Alright I get it now. One of the most valuable lessons a child can be taught-and more importantly, taught to remember-is that we are blessed with 2 ears and 1 mouth. That means shut up and listen. I have spent months, years, whatever spewing about whatever I think. And while some of it is humorous, some of it is bullshit and some of it is just to hear myself talk and make sure I’m alive. That whole phrase about deafening silence? Yup, I understand it. As hard and as thick as my skull is, I get it, now more than ever.
I said that it would be discussed later. Well, now is later. I just finished reading ‘Sh*t My Dad Says’, and while it’s a hysterical read, I cannot get one passage out of my head. I won’t ruin it for you, but it got me thinking about how I’ve been running my life and if it would be any different if my Pops were still alive. I don’t think it would. Maybe I would have a better rudder around to guide me when I wade into the shit, but for the most part, I’ve learned to get out of it on my own. It would be less painful if I didn’t wade out there too long as I tend to do, and my old man would slap me back into reality faster than I currently do for myself, but still, I get out of it eventually.
So why is now later? Simple, really. I’ve come to the realization that while any one of us may want something really bad, that doesn’t mean we get to have it. Go figure, my own phrase biting me in the ass. I have a truly sickening feeling that this crap is going to keep happening. My older friends telling me that I’m too damn smart for my own good may have foreshadowed a reckoning that even I didn’t realize was possible. Awesome….
I knew something was up in June. The night of June 4th, or morning of June 5th-either way, my little ticker broke into a thousand little pieces and then dust. I haven’t shaken that much since (no, not when I landed and my brother and Ma decided to show some true colors) I was a kid. When I was 5 I had a severe flu/illness that forced me into a hospital and I couldn’t get warm. Why do I remember that? I have no idea. I just know that I was scared (again, I’m 5 here) and I remember Ma being worried and my Pops actually driving me to the hospital at like 3 AM. Anyways, I knew something wasn’t right, with me. No, it wasn’t the Chinese food-even if we both hated those dumplings (nasty), nor was it the wine. I should have left. Instead I chose to torture myself. Or cause myself more harm than was necessary.
So I write this knowing full well some of the backlash or ass-ripping I could get. But I have always strived to be the genuine article. And I told you all before, I don’t keep it real, I keep it right. Well, what’s right is right. This isn’t the post that I am certain will get me called names. Well, if it does it will only be by one person and not by multiple people. But I write this also knowing that if I don’t, I could be keeping some things in that are toxic. And toxic=bad, last I checked.
Now, I could sit here and piss & moan about the conversation, the food, the blahblahblah, but that is all ancillary and matters not. That’s window dressing to the crux of the main event. You don’t bitch about the ring apron when the fighters are in the ring, do you? I didn’t think so. There’s a huge reason this hurts more than almost anything I’ve ever dealt with-since my last serious relationship, I swore I would be a selfish prick and never ever ever let anyone know how much they meant to me. It would be very ‘Pops-like’ for me. Well, fate had other ideas, as well as the timing of my stupid existence. I happened upon this woman and I wasn’t looking for (think ‘SMACK’ right now) while trying to smarten up by reading. And I found this book that I knew couldn’t hurt, ‘The Modern Gentleman’, and I devoured it in 3 days. Note-I don’t read that fast. The internet? Hells yes, I read that fast. A book? Oh no, it takes a while. Moving on-I practically ran into this woman, and I wanted to know more. She gave shit as good as she took it. I tried more than once to get that 1st date. It took awhile, but in my genius ways I decided to take the queen of hockey to a baseball game (Pass along the following info to those in the dating pool-find out if she remotely likes what you’re planning on doing) and 2 very pasty white people tried to enjoy a baseball game on the 1st base side on a Sunday. Yeah, it was a bit warm and we didn’t stay long. But we did enjoy each other’s company. And in hanging out with her I thought I was lucky enough to have turned a corner on a bunch of other bullshit in my life. No, I’m putting her as the reason that I thought things were turning said corner, but it was nice not to have to deal with my roommate (at the time, Money Mike), my living situation, my job (seeing her like once a week at my office was a fucking bonus), and my finances. It just seemed like things were finally clicking into place and I could be a semi-adult. Whatever happened, happened, it’s in the past, and I’m really not wanting to discuss what happened damn near 5 years ago.
Let’s just say we reconnected and those feelings for her were still there. But as usual, I was kept at a distance. And for good reason. Don’t worry, I’ll wrap this crap up with a nice little bow and you’ll all nod and think I know what I’m talking about.
Back to that Friday night in June. We talked about all sorts of stuff. There were things that were funny, and there were things I wanted an explanation about. Mostly because a lot of the things that were up in the air were done via text message. You can’t get inflection and tone in a text. Well, maybe you can, but I’m not smart enough to-and the more you try to read into a text message, the more susceptible you are to stating something completely stupid or getting into a very unnecessary argument. Tell me that hasn’t happened to you…right.
Things that were great to talk about-how jacked up both our families are. My ‘lovely’ first two days in town and what I was trying to accomplish. Her long day, the living situation, the dog, all that stuff. Things not to like-I can’t handle her ‘crazyness’ (I never got the opportunity), why she’d tell me I’m marriage material and then let it go into the wind (uh, it ain’t like telling me ‘nice shirt’, I’m just sayin’) and honestly the serious tone the whole conversation took. I take responsibility for that. Mostly nerves. No one ever called me smooth.
Whatever, when it came time to sleep, I took the futon mattress on the floor instead of the couch (in hindsight, should have either taken the couch or left-hindsight is a lovely 20/20 vision, ain’t it?) but I had to get my lounge wear out of the trunk of the rental car. And make sure that the dog took care of his business. Changed in the bathroom, and that’s where the shaking started. I had to tell myself to calm the hell down. But why was I shaking. So it was time for the self diagnostic. Can I breathe? Yup. Feet cold? Nope. Stomach flipping? Sinus issue? Headache? No, no and no. Last check, how’s the ticker? In one word, “Bingo”. Oh, and it’s about start pouring outside. Thunder and lightning, coming up!
I am warned that the dog may curl up against me (not a problem, I like the pooch, and he ‘tolerates’ me, or so I think), and as soon as I lay down on the futon mattress, he does exactly that. Only one problem-I can’t tell who is shaking more-me for the heartbreak, or him for the fear of thunder and lightning. Doesn’t really matter, I figured if I could take deep breaths I would calm down and the dog would, in turn, do the same. Not so much, because I couldn’t calm my heart/stomach from calming down and that dog was shivering. Good times. At some point in time, there was this huge bolt of lightning that I swear was right over me, and I could hear my Pops (yes, I hear him sometimes, you don’t have to believe it, my blog, my story) telling me ‘get the fuck outta there, are you stupid?!’ but I told him to cram it. Great, I tell the spirit of my Pops to shut up. I’m a dick even to the afterlife.
I think I got 3 hours of sleep, put shorts on and sat on the couch. It felt like an eternity, but one of her roommates came home. After a 5 minute dissertation on why shots are wonderful (I don’t care) he tells me that I can wake her up and leave. I asked if he was sure. He said it wasn’t a problem. Nice to meet ya, have fun sleeping off the hangover. Woke her up, one arm hug, kiss on the forehead and she said she’d call me later, after she was going to meet some of her girls for lunch (yup, that means there was going to be a discussion about me-even I’m not that naïve, I know y’all girls talk).
Well, I didn’t hear from her until after I sent her a text message only to find out that it seemed like her girls ran her thru the ringer and when she got home someone she had been seeing/dating/I have no idea/none of my damn business was waiting (that’s how I remember it, I might be off a little) and she was spent. From my perspective, no parentheses-Are you freaking kidding me?!! What cruel twist of bullshit fate do I get here…the woman I’m nuts about has to have her friends tell her (probably) that she sucks for some reason-be it to do with me or that other dude and then the other dude is at her door after that…and after hanging out with me the whole night before?!! Oh come on!! Cut me a mofuckin’ break, will you please. Regarding the other dude, I said before I’ll state it again, none of my damn business. Dead serious. But I knew he knew about me, and I knew about him. And I’ll reiterate something else I’ve stated-step your game up, fella. Who knows, maybe he was smarter than me, but I don’t look at it like a competition. She’s a human being, not a damn trophy fish. I don’t ‘hook’ anyone.
And that’s that. The post script to that Saturday afternoon was the joy of not only my back being out of whack (welcome to being over 30, dummy) but my rental car got the shit scratched out of it. Yes, that was solved with rubbing compound (not bad for a guy who doesn’t know anything about cars), but still-heartbreak, back out of whack and a scratched rental car? Dude, WTF?!!
There were a couple of texts between that day and before I left after my Pops golf tournament. We were going to try and meet up, and I had it in my head of what might be said. But that meet up didn’t happen, due to circumstances out of both of our controls. Here’s where you know I’m in way over my head, and why this hurts so much-she called me after I saw my Godson (I’m biased, but what a cute kid) at the beginning of the 3rd quarter of Game 3 of the Finals. Read that again-I took a phone call from a woman over watching the game…ME! I did that shit. Yup, I may have been holding onto the dust that was my feelings, but I wasn’t going to just give up, I’m WAY too stupid to walk away.
Well the summer went by and she decided to come out to Colorado to visit last month. No, not to see me, I’m a part of the ‘people’ umbrella. We made plans, plans that got broken, for legit reasons. Twice. But I won’t lie, my feelings were hurt. And part of me wanted to be a dick, just to prove a point. But that shit is childish, and I’m 34. When we did get to meet up, it wasn’t all that fun (I don’t think she’d disagree). I said something that would probably paint me as an asshole, and for that-I’m sorry if you feel that way. You don’t have to look at it from my side. I can’t make you do that, nor can I implore you to. The only thing I can say is that I said what I said, and it was from the heart, and from someone that felt hurt and brushed aside, and after being told about bullshit people acting like assclowns. It hurts when someone you care about is sitting across from you telling you about dumbasses and how your time was kind of wasted and that it wasn’t a good trip…meanwhile a man that cares so much for you is sitting across a table from you in utter disbelief. Disbelief because I have nothing but free time and would do anything to hang out. Not meant to be.
After I got in my car, I felt like a dick for like 5 seconds. That feeling went away, kinda. Then on my way home I stopped in the grocery store for a couple of things. When I was walking towards the door, that feeling was still nagging at me-and there it was-the double rainbow. I took it as my sign that while I may have been a bit of a prick, eventually a person has to stand up for themselves if they feel they’ve been wronged. And I was hurt by what I thought was being ‘squeezed in’. Call it bullshit if you want, but a person’s feelings are their truth. I grasp that all sorts of things were going on, I really do. But what’s done is done, and I can’t change the past.
So that’s it. Later has turned to now, like I stated earlier. Why haven’t I posted a bunch of stuff? Now you know. My heart hurts. Why? Simple, I put someone before me and it didn’t work. I kinda forgot about that whole ‘not working’ thing. I only thought of the ‘working out’ stuff, not the other side to that coin, which is equal.
I will put all of this in my book when it comes to it. I will tell other guys out there that there is a difference between being a chump and being interested. I truly do think that this woman had some inkling of a feeling for me. Like a soda burp, it passed. For whatever reason. But you can’t make someone love you. You just can’t. And one person can’t love for two. Yeah, I said it, put it in print. Tell me I’m dumb, I won’t disagree. I’ll nod in agreement. Because it makes you do dumbass things. And boy did I do some dumb things. Best part? I wouldn’t change a damn thing that I tried.
All I can say is this…to Her-I’m sorry I didn’t realize this earlier, and if I ever made you uncomfortable, my sincerest apologies. The heart wants what it wants, and you can’t fault a guy for trying, no matter how foolish it may be. To the rest of you reading this-mock me if you want, hug me, hate me I don’t give a damn. Most of you wouldn’t ever have the stones to do any of this shit, let alone write about it. I’m all about Front St., hell I own my condo right on the middle of the block. Are you my neighbor?
Here’s to your own madness, like I said before. Who needs a drink?
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Now playing: Brother Ali - You Say (Puppy Love)
via FoxyTunes
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