I love having this many folks give me their opinions on what I should be doing. This makes me laugh and get agitated all at the same time. I appreciate all the unsolicited advice, but in all honesty, it's my life, I'll do as I deem fit.
This past Friday I found out that I'll be jobless by the middle of July, and then I'll be homeless by the end of July. The homeless thing is a temporary situation, I have places to go, so don't worry. My Ma isn't that worried.
Now, what will I do? I honestly have no idea. But if people keep asking me, that only puts off the inevitable. So far, the plan that seems to make sense and isn't freaking me out is to sell pretty much everything, put the rest in a storage area/someone's garage, and get in my car and go. I'd hang out for a day or two in Chicago, and then head on home to hang out with the family. What? It's only 2000 miles, give or take a few. Big whoop.
I'd be back for the christening of my Godson (which I ain't missing come hell or high water), maybe a bachelor party, and I'd get to take care of my Ma and brother helping them unpack and help them gather some things and make their new place all nice and neat. What else am I going to do? Job hunt?
Puh-lease. I've been doing that. I'm still doing it. I'm firing off about a resume a day. Heck, I'm supposed to be working right now.
So, why this idea over anything else? It seems to make sense to me, that's why. I'm looking for jobs here in Denver and back there. That's pretty much it.
And don't even think about going down a certain road. Just don't. This has got to do with me and my family and what I'm thinking I want to do, nothing more, nothing less.
You never know what happens, I could end up with an awesome offer from a company in Seattle tomorrow, I have no clue. But until that happens and I have to think about it, this seems like a decent plan.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Keep 'em crossed
Your fingers, I mean.
I just got off the phone with a recruiter in Chicago for a sales role in Boston. This could very well be everything I'm looking for, as far as opportunities are concerned. I should be having another conversation tomorrow, so put out some positive vibes for me! You know I do it for you!!
Thanks
I just got off the phone with a recruiter in Chicago for a sales role in Boston. This could very well be everything I'm looking for, as far as opportunities are concerned. I should be having another conversation tomorrow, so put out some positive vibes for me! You know I do it for you!!
Thanks
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Stupid that is Bureaucracy
So I'm sure that if you've hung around me long enough you'd have heard me utter the following statement: "when I'm elected President/Governor/Mayor, mine will be the fastest inauguration speech in history-'thank you for electing me, and you're all fired', it'll be that damn quick."
Well, we can add another 'helpful' department to this list. Here's what happened, and my reaction.
On February 7, a month after I was laid off, I applied for unemployment. Yes, I know what you're thinking and/or asking-why didn't I apply the day after I got laid off? Because there was still a potential for me to keep my job, and I was holding out hope that I could keep that job and stay in Denver.
Now, after applying on-line, I started to receive things in the mail about my claim. I was told how much money I'd be getting. Let's just say not only would it not cover me, but what they were giving me would last a grand total of 10 weeks. So I made the conscious decision to not file every other week. Well, that and I honestly didn't know when I should be filing, what weeks should I be on the phone/internet. I did manage to set up direct deposit, however, after I got a debit card in the mail. How the hell am I supposed to pay my bills with a debit card? Oh, and if you try and take money out like an ATM, the penalties are a bit more than 50 cents. How is this advantageous to those out of work and looking for it?
Well, I ended up working in March, and then started this job in April. All the while, I was trying to contact the Colorado Unemployment office, to no avail. All I wanted to do was cancel my claim, delete it or get every dime I had coming to me. You can't get thru. I think they only have 5-7 phone lines, and with unemployment in this state hovering around 7% (7.6% as of Friday), best of luck.
So why am I fired up? Because I've been trying on my lunch break since I got this contracting job to 'kill' my claim. Well lo and behold, on Friday I discovered that I could delete my claim. So last night, that's just what I did. The site asks for my Name, Social Security #, Date of Birth, email, phone number and then click 'submit'. Done. Then the next screen pops up and asks why you want your claim deleted, going so far as to tell you that if you delete your claim it will be as though it never existed. Perfect, this is what I want! I give my justification that I never called in for the funds, don't need them, tried to call to cancel but couldn't get thru, and that I'm currently working. This all seems very reasonable in my head. After clicking 'submit' again, I am told my claim will be reviewed because it has passed the 12 day law period of deleting a claim.
I have a side question, who the hell came up with 12 days? Doesn't that seem a bit arbitrary? It's not a round number like 10 business days or 2 weeks...how come it's 12 days?
Now comes the fun. I got a call today!!! Like 30 minutes ago. Let me be painfully clear. I have been trying almost daily since 4/15 to get thru to these people to discuss deleting my claim, they finally have the option online (believe me, I looked but did not see this back then). I am being called to let me know that since I am outside of the 12 day period, I haven't shown enough cause to delete my claim. Wait a sec, why is this an option online then? What is the cause I need to show to delete this? Silence. I was told then that it was due to me deleting it outside of 6 months after my initial claim and that was why. Hold up here!! Can anyone do simple math. Today is June 22nd. My claim was filed February 7th. February, March, April, May and June. That's 5 months! Well, it's the law. What law?
So now my claim is considered dormant. On file until February 7th next year, but dormant. I would have to call in to reactivate it once I am again unemployed. I would not be eligible for any more money on my claim, but after that money runs out I could apply for emergency benefits. Mind you, I told this very nice woman that part of the frustration is that I've been trying to call and explain this situation to someone to get some direction, but the line is always busy. Yet, not even 24 hours after I file a deletion request my phone rings. Gee, that seems weird.
Here is why I hate bureaucracy-First, I was fibbed to on two different occassions. Second, I never buy the "that's the law" routine. Only ignorant people fall for that. People like me track that stuff down (hello, Monday night project). Third, I'm trying not to use the money! I don't want it! Keep it, give it to someone else. Fourth, I know that if this were to go thru and I had to apply all over again in a month, I'd be eligible for more funds.
Please, this isn't a woe-is-me tale. This just follows no path of logic whatsoever. They just seem to care about a broke system as opposed to a person trying to do the right thing. And I'll pay for it in the end. No wonder I've had discussions about starting up my own business, cash only, of course. Why do we as a people continue to fund a broke system? Because we think it's better than the alternative? What are my options. Because this was one of the most frustrating circular conversations I've ever had in my life...and I used to bartend!!
I think I'll be writing my representatives tonight as well, hoping to get some clarification and some help for that poor woman that had to call me. I know she's getting her butt kicked on a day to day basis, but only because the message makes absolutely no sense at all. That's government and why this country is so fouled up. It starts at the local level and goes all the way up to DC.
Let's just say I'll be putting this in the 'Cons' column for Colorado and if I should stay or go.
Well, we can add another 'helpful' department to this list. Here's what happened, and my reaction.
On February 7, a month after I was laid off, I applied for unemployment. Yes, I know what you're thinking and/or asking-why didn't I apply the day after I got laid off? Because there was still a potential for me to keep my job, and I was holding out hope that I could keep that job and stay in Denver.
Now, after applying on-line, I started to receive things in the mail about my claim. I was told how much money I'd be getting. Let's just say not only would it not cover me, but what they were giving me would last a grand total of 10 weeks. So I made the conscious decision to not file every other week. Well, that and I honestly didn't know when I should be filing, what weeks should I be on the phone/internet. I did manage to set up direct deposit, however, after I got a debit card in the mail. How the hell am I supposed to pay my bills with a debit card? Oh, and if you try and take money out like an ATM, the penalties are a bit more than 50 cents. How is this advantageous to those out of work and looking for it?
Well, I ended up working in March, and then started this job in April. All the while, I was trying to contact the Colorado Unemployment office, to no avail. All I wanted to do was cancel my claim, delete it or get every dime I had coming to me. You can't get thru. I think they only have 5-7 phone lines, and with unemployment in this state hovering around 7% (7.6% as of Friday), best of luck.
So why am I fired up? Because I've been trying on my lunch break since I got this contracting job to 'kill' my claim. Well lo and behold, on Friday I discovered that I could delete my claim. So last night, that's just what I did. The site asks for my Name, Social Security #, Date of Birth, email, phone number and then click 'submit'. Done. Then the next screen pops up and asks why you want your claim deleted, going so far as to tell you that if you delete your claim it will be as though it never existed. Perfect, this is what I want! I give my justification that I never called in for the funds, don't need them, tried to call to cancel but couldn't get thru, and that I'm currently working. This all seems very reasonable in my head. After clicking 'submit' again, I am told my claim will be reviewed because it has passed the 12 day law period of deleting a claim.
I have a side question, who the hell came up with 12 days? Doesn't that seem a bit arbitrary? It's not a round number like 10 business days or 2 weeks...how come it's 12 days?
Now comes the fun. I got a call today!!! Like 30 minutes ago. Let me be painfully clear. I have been trying almost daily since 4/15 to get thru to these people to discuss deleting my claim, they finally have the option online (believe me, I looked but did not see this back then). I am being called to let me know that since I am outside of the 12 day period, I haven't shown enough cause to delete my claim. Wait a sec, why is this an option online then? What is the cause I need to show to delete this? Silence. I was told then that it was due to me deleting it outside of 6 months after my initial claim and that was why. Hold up here!! Can anyone do simple math. Today is June 22nd. My claim was filed February 7th. February, March, April, May and June. That's 5 months! Well, it's the law. What law?
So now my claim is considered dormant. On file until February 7th next year, but dormant. I would have to call in to reactivate it once I am again unemployed. I would not be eligible for any more money on my claim, but after that money runs out I could apply for emergency benefits. Mind you, I told this very nice woman that part of the frustration is that I've been trying to call and explain this situation to someone to get some direction, but the line is always busy. Yet, not even 24 hours after I file a deletion request my phone rings. Gee, that seems weird.
Here is why I hate bureaucracy-First, I was fibbed to on two different occassions. Second, I never buy the "that's the law" routine. Only ignorant people fall for that. People like me track that stuff down (hello, Monday night project). Third, I'm trying not to use the money! I don't want it! Keep it, give it to someone else. Fourth, I know that if this were to go thru and I had to apply all over again in a month, I'd be eligible for more funds.
Please, this isn't a woe-is-me tale. This just follows no path of logic whatsoever. They just seem to care about a broke system as opposed to a person trying to do the right thing. And I'll pay for it in the end. No wonder I've had discussions about starting up my own business, cash only, of course. Why do we as a people continue to fund a broke system? Because we think it's better than the alternative? What are my options. Because this was one of the most frustrating circular conversations I've ever had in my life...and I used to bartend!!
I think I'll be writing my representatives tonight as well, hoping to get some clarification and some help for that poor woman that had to call me. I know she's getting her butt kicked on a day to day basis, but only because the message makes absolutely no sense at all. That's government and why this country is so fouled up. It starts at the local level and goes all the way up to DC.
Let's just say I'll be putting this in the 'Cons' column for Colorado and if I should stay or go.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Crap Salad
Just when you think you're almost out of the woods....
So I just got out of a meeting a few minutes ago and it looks as though my contract will be up soon. And here it was two weeks ago that I thought I'd be there until the end of September. I'll hopefully string this out until the end of July, and then who knows what will happen.
So I just got out of a meeting a few minutes ago and it looks as though my contract will be up soon. And here it was two weeks ago that I thought I'd be there until the end of September. I'll hopefully string this out until the end of July, and then who knows what will happen.
Monday, June 15, 2009
pitching out old bills, a mind reset
So here's some stuff that's been on my mind lately, and I just want to clear up some of the clutter in my head:
Deficit Spending: No, this will not be a ranting and raving about politics, this is more personal. How can people not understand this basic economic principle?? It's no wonder damn near everyone is broke and can't make ends meet. Apparently this isn't being taught, not at school, and not on the home front, either. Which shocks me. You can't spend more than you take in. Seems pretty simple, doesn't it? Then why is no one doing this? Look, I know, things come up. Everyone has this happen from time to time. But eventually you have to pay the piper. And if you wait too long, that means nasty credit card interest rates. And one of their greatest tricks is making you pay every 28 days, meaning they don't get a monthly payment from you, because if you do the basic math, that's 13 payments in a year, not one a month. Please, do yourself the favor and start looking at your bills, see how long it would take you to pay certain things off, first and foremost credit cards. Then maybe your car. The last thing should be student loans. The only reason I say to please do this is because there was a time a few years ago when I was in steep debt, and forgot some very basic principles, and it drove me bonkers. It affected my sleeping pattern, and I'd freak out every 2-3 months. Now I'm back to having a little bit of debt after not having a credit card for 5 years (ah, the joy of paying with cash), but only for one reason-you have to have a little debt to prove that you can pay things, like for a house. This makes absolutely no rational sense to me. A few years ago I went and got a new car, and the guy told me that since I had no debt, which I thought would be a good thing, that in the finance world they didn't know if I could make a monthly payment. Huh? I had like no bills, other than the every monthly stuff like rent, utilities, cell phone and a student loan. I thought I'd be a prime candidate, but I was a bit off. Now, got a very manageable debt, one that I could pay off in a month if I had to, but come on already. I would hope that going forward that I'd be the guy with no debt who gets looked at favorably.
So as of right now, I'm heading back east in a few weeks. Not sure when, but if I get to be Godfather to that cute lil' kid, I'm in!
The Fakers win the title, and now everyone blows Kobe. Lucky us. Everyone bow down to the king of nothing. He says nothing. He's more Jordan than Jordan. I know, he's a great player, but he's no one I'd like to be teammates with. Now we can all turn our attention to who else hasn't won a title. It's my least favorite topic on every sport. Some guys just don't get to win a title. Guarantee all the discussion will be focused on LeBron. I would also like to say thanks to some Fakers fans in LA, for flipping cars and burning buildings. I've never understood this about cities that win championships. I don't remember this happening in Boston, other than a drunk guy running someone over and a cop hitting a girl in the eye with a beanbag that proved fatal. But I don't remember overturned cars and businesses getting ransacked after 'your team' wins a championship. Seems real dumb. I don't remember hearing anything Saturday about Pittsburgh burning down after the Penguins won the Cup on Friday, but maybe it's just me.
So, a reliever no one outside of New York City has ever heard of (except people who like baseball) talks smack about a crosstown rival who just happens to own the saves record. Hmm, whatever could happen? In case you missed it, NYY reliever Brian Bruney called NY Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez 'a tired act'. K-Rod countered with the great comeback-'say it to my face'. And yesterday before their matchup, hilarity ensued. I could care less about either player or team, but I will say that in this case I agree with K-Rod. Bruney, you're right there, man up and tell him to his face. Don't play pattycake via the print media. So yesterday when both teams were warming up, K-Rod got nose to nose with Bruney. We will have no idea what was said, but my guess is K-Rod telling him to get 3 career saves and never speak his name again until he's done so. Otherwise, zip it. I wish we the people were more like that. But in today's technologically advanced society, God forbid we call anyone. Way too much he said/she said dumbass interpreting going on. Yes, I absolutely hate it when I get asked, "What do you think they meant by that?" I don't know! Ask them. All they can do is answer the question. Sheesh, stop be so scared.
I have a busy week ahead. Not too busy to catch up with all sorts of people or answer my phone, but busy by my standards, nonetheless. I have dinner plans the next 3 nights with different people. It will be nice to catch up with each and every one of them. Thursday night could be open mic night, if I'm up for it. Frankly, practice makes perfect and I have not been practicing. Friday night will be catching up with other folks, and Saturday will be a meeting with an old boss to catch up and listen to his pitch on his new business venture. He's extremely creative and driven, so I'm always interested in what he has to say. Maybe some of the ideas will inspire me in a direction I'm thinking about and give that some vitality.
So the $64,ooo question I've been asked a bunch since I got back from my 'vacation' is this-am I staying or am I going? Is it time to move and/or move on? My honest reaction is I don't know. I know that I'm thinking about expanding my options. Just thinking about it. Maybe Denver nor Boston is the place for me going forward. So I could be expanding my working options to Seattle, Austin, Chicago and Charlotte. I really doubt Chicago. I really don't like it to be that damn cold and can only deal with so many corrupt politicians. I know, I know. Like Boston doesn't have it's corrupt political hacks? True, but at least I already know them. Chicago would be a last ditch effort, and I really don't see a whole lot there on a business track for what I want to do. Besides, I'd have to deal with insufferable Cubs fans. Face facts, that team stinks. And I don't like deep dish pizza all that much, either. As for Boston, we shall see. While Ma would love to have me back in the area, and I know my boys would love it, too, I'm just not sure. I'm a firm believer in go big or go home. And right now, while home is where Ma is, I haven't been feeling it lately. I've been turned down for a lot of roles lately, many that I feel I'd fit greatly and be energized and could bring a ton of good things to, but because I'm in Denver, those hiring aren't hearing me when I tell them I am NOT looking for a relocation package. I can take care of that all on my own. All I'm looking for is a shot. If I fail, I can live with that. But I don't think I'm an idiot, I've managed to pick up a lot of stuff everywhere I've worked.
Now, as for moving on--look I really do appreciate all the concern over my emotional and romantic well being. Really, I do. But let it be for a bit. It's my deal, and I just want it to breathe for awhile. I'm not in the mood to date anyone else at the moment. I like her, and that's that. I'm not waiting for her, but I'm also not in any 'space' to deal with someone new and whatever lame drama they have. I was out most of this weekend and couldn't believe the amount of garbage people were putting out there. I'm good. Really. Let me concentrate on my next venture and everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I'll leave it up to fate, the winds, time, the sun-moon-stars, God, Allah, lucky rabbits foot, a horseshoe or whatever other crap is out there for a belief system. Just let it lie, folks. And since I know she reads this, I hope she's doing well and that she has a blast on her next few trips. For the rest of you, it's not like I'm going to stop communicating with her, I ain't mad at her or anything like that. Whatever happens, happens. You know you can't force anything, that will only blow up in your face. And since you know me, you know I don't play games. I won't play coy or cool, or be crude and rude. I'll be me. It's worked out well and good for me so far in 33 years, why change it up now?
Now, for albums that suck. I downloaded a bunch of stuff last week after I got back, and I have to say, some of the albums and tracks are awful. Nothing worse than waiting for a band or an artist to come up with new stuff, and it's like they threw something together in a week. But with some bad comes a little good, too.
My busy weekend. Seriously, I don't like being a social butterfly. I love my alone time. And after being 'On' all last weekend, I was kind of looking to a bit of it. Well, life would have none of that. Friday I left work at 3 and got home at midnight. I was at a bar by my lonesome for most of the evening watching hockey (and perfectly comfortable), when a buddy and one of his work folk showed up. I love my boy, but he needs to keep the work guy away from me. He's a downer. His last name is Pratt, and I've now nicknamed him SnuffaPrattacus. If you don't get the reference, start watching Sesame Street again. Went and grabbed a bite to eat, and my buddy switched seats with me so that SnuffaPrattacus and I could talk about cancer, since that's how I lost my Dad and he lost his best friend. Uh, is this how I want to spend my Friday night? Talking cancer to someone I don't know? Really? Uh, how 'bout with go with "NO" for $100!!?? I appreciate what I think my boy was trying to do, but come on. It's Friday night, and I really don't want to have an in-depth conversation with someone that isn't a friend about something so personal. Let's just call it a total buzzkill. That and I felt a little 'passed off', like it was too serious for my boy, but that will be addressed with him later.
Saturday was spent doing laundry and trying to clean up (I seriously need to focus on that this coming weekend) and then off to a baseball game. I met up with my boy, the same one from Friday night, and we met up with other guys...when SnuffaPrattacus showed up. DAMN! And there went the fun. My boy's boss showed up, too, and he was alright. I ended up meeting another one of my boys' employees who was cool, so that kind of brought the fun back up to regular level, but I neglected to notice my boy getting tipsy. After the game, went to another bar, ran into people I haven't seen in forever, made plans to hang, and then had to find my boy, who still didn't look too bad, until our cabride home. Of course, the cab driver weaving all over the place didn't help. Yesterday? I finally didn't do a damn thing, but I did catch the original 'Taking of Pelham 123', not a horrible flick. But I can already tell how Travolta and Denzel will screw it up.
I'm beered out. Yup, I said it. I hit maximum capacity on hops for awhile. So, no boozing for this week, until maybe Saturday. Hey, it's a business proposal. Maybe it'll be cocktails instead.
Here's something not so novel-when do we go back to judging others on character? I think that we need to go back and make that the old 'new' style. I barely see anyone keep their word anymore, and it bugs me. The lack of honesty I see on a day to day basis troubles me, but not for me, mostly for others. I'm certain my integrity is intact, so I can sleep well at night (when I sleep) knowing I haven't harmed anyone intentionally. But for others that question why people are shady, I wonder if they look in the mirror much-and ask themselves if they've been shady, sneaky or flat out dishonest. I'm just a firm believer that the world works everything out one way or the other. You don't have to agree with that last sentence, just a thought that's been recurring thru my mind a lot lately.
So I found this cool internet radio thing, and it's free, called Pandora. It's even introduced me to some artists I may never have known about, so that's really great. But, for some unknown reason, they keep pushing Coldplay and The Fray on me. Uh, I think they both suck, and can't deal with the whining. I have no clue how those two bands get on my Kings Of Leon station. One band is awesome, and the other two suck donkeynuts. And they don't necessarily rock, either. I just hope I don't have to write a strongly worded letter, I'm just sayin'.
And lastly for today, Fathers Day is coming up on Sunday. I haven't decided on whether or not I'm going to type something up, not sure I'm ready to unload that type of stuff just yet. Who knows, it might be a relief to do something like that. Stay tuned....
Deficit Spending: No, this will not be a ranting and raving about politics, this is more personal. How can people not understand this basic economic principle?? It's no wonder damn near everyone is broke and can't make ends meet. Apparently this isn't being taught, not at school, and not on the home front, either. Which shocks me. You can't spend more than you take in. Seems pretty simple, doesn't it? Then why is no one doing this? Look, I know, things come up. Everyone has this happen from time to time. But eventually you have to pay the piper. And if you wait too long, that means nasty credit card interest rates. And one of their greatest tricks is making you pay every 28 days, meaning they don't get a monthly payment from you, because if you do the basic math, that's 13 payments in a year, not one a month. Please, do yourself the favor and start looking at your bills, see how long it would take you to pay certain things off, first and foremost credit cards. Then maybe your car. The last thing should be student loans. The only reason I say to please do this is because there was a time a few years ago when I was in steep debt, and forgot some very basic principles, and it drove me bonkers. It affected my sleeping pattern, and I'd freak out every 2-3 months. Now I'm back to having a little bit of debt after not having a credit card for 5 years (ah, the joy of paying with cash), but only for one reason-you have to have a little debt to prove that you can pay things, like for a house. This makes absolutely no rational sense to me. A few years ago I went and got a new car, and the guy told me that since I had no debt, which I thought would be a good thing, that in the finance world they didn't know if I could make a monthly payment. Huh? I had like no bills, other than the every monthly stuff like rent, utilities, cell phone and a student loan. I thought I'd be a prime candidate, but I was a bit off. Now, got a very manageable debt, one that I could pay off in a month if I had to, but come on already. I would hope that going forward that I'd be the guy with no debt who gets looked at favorably.
So as of right now, I'm heading back east in a few weeks. Not sure when, but if I get to be Godfather to that cute lil' kid, I'm in!
The Fakers win the title, and now everyone blows Kobe. Lucky us. Everyone bow down to the king of nothing. He says nothing. He's more Jordan than Jordan. I know, he's a great player, but he's no one I'd like to be teammates with. Now we can all turn our attention to who else hasn't won a title. It's my least favorite topic on every sport. Some guys just don't get to win a title. Guarantee all the discussion will be focused on LeBron. I would also like to say thanks to some Fakers fans in LA, for flipping cars and burning buildings. I've never understood this about cities that win championships. I don't remember this happening in Boston, other than a drunk guy running someone over and a cop hitting a girl in the eye with a beanbag that proved fatal. But I don't remember overturned cars and businesses getting ransacked after 'your team' wins a championship. Seems real dumb. I don't remember hearing anything Saturday about Pittsburgh burning down after the Penguins won the Cup on Friday, but maybe it's just me.
So, a reliever no one outside of New York City has ever heard of (except people who like baseball) talks smack about a crosstown rival who just happens to own the saves record. Hmm, whatever could happen? In case you missed it, NYY reliever Brian Bruney called NY Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez 'a tired act'. K-Rod countered with the great comeback-'say it to my face'. And yesterday before their matchup, hilarity ensued. I could care less about either player or team, but I will say that in this case I agree with K-Rod. Bruney, you're right there, man up and tell him to his face. Don't play pattycake via the print media. So yesterday when both teams were warming up, K-Rod got nose to nose with Bruney. We will have no idea what was said, but my guess is K-Rod telling him to get 3 career saves and never speak his name again until he's done so. Otherwise, zip it. I wish we the people were more like that. But in today's technologically advanced society, God forbid we call anyone. Way too much he said/she said dumbass interpreting going on. Yes, I absolutely hate it when I get asked, "What do you think they meant by that?" I don't know! Ask them. All they can do is answer the question. Sheesh, stop be so scared.
I have a busy week ahead. Not too busy to catch up with all sorts of people or answer my phone, but busy by my standards, nonetheless. I have dinner plans the next 3 nights with different people. It will be nice to catch up with each and every one of them. Thursday night could be open mic night, if I'm up for it. Frankly, practice makes perfect and I have not been practicing. Friday night will be catching up with other folks, and Saturday will be a meeting with an old boss to catch up and listen to his pitch on his new business venture. He's extremely creative and driven, so I'm always interested in what he has to say. Maybe some of the ideas will inspire me in a direction I'm thinking about and give that some vitality.
So the $64,ooo question I've been asked a bunch since I got back from my 'vacation' is this-am I staying or am I going? Is it time to move and/or move on? My honest reaction is I don't know. I know that I'm thinking about expanding my options. Just thinking about it. Maybe Denver nor Boston is the place for me going forward. So I could be expanding my working options to Seattle, Austin, Chicago and Charlotte. I really doubt Chicago. I really don't like it to be that damn cold and can only deal with so many corrupt politicians. I know, I know. Like Boston doesn't have it's corrupt political hacks? True, but at least I already know them. Chicago would be a last ditch effort, and I really don't see a whole lot there on a business track for what I want to do. Besides, I'd have to deal with insufferable Cubs fans. Face facts, that team stinks. And I don't like deep dish pizza all that much, either. As for Boston, we shall see. While Ma would love to have me back in the area, and I know my boys would love it, too, I'm just not sure. I'm a firm believer in go big or go home. And right now, while home is where Ma is, I haven't been feeling it lately. I've been turned down for a lot of roles lately, many that I feel I'd fit greatly and be energized and could bring a ton of good things to, but because I'm in Denver, those hiring aren't hearing me when I tell them I am NOT looking for a relocation package. I can take care of that all on my own. All I'm looking for is a shot. If I fail, I can live with that. But I don't think I'm an idiot, I've managed to pick up a lot of stuff everywhere I've worked.
Now, as for moving on--look I really do appreciate all the concern over my emotional and romantic well being. Really, I do. But let it be for a bit. It's my deal, and I just want it to breathe for awhile. I'm not in the mood to date anyone else at the moment. I like her, and that's that. I'm not waiting for her, but I'm also not in any 'space' to deal with someone new and whatever lame drama they have. I was out most of this weekend and couldn't believe the amount of garbage people were putting out there. I'm good. Really. Let me concentrate on my next venture and everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I'll leave it up to fate, the winds, time, the sun-moon-stars, God, Allah, lucky rabbits foot, a horseshoe or whatever other crap is out there for a belief system. Just let it lie, folks. And since I know she reads this, I hope she's doing well and that she has a blast on her next few trips. For the rest of you, it's not like I'm going to stop communicating with her, I ain't mad at her or anything like that. Whatever happens, happens. You know you can't force anything, that will only blow up in your face. And since you know me, you know I don't play games. I won't play coy or cool, or be crude and rude. I'll be me. It's worked out well and good for me so far in 33 years, why change it up now?
Now, for albums that suck. I downloaded a bunch of stuff last week after I got back, and I have to say, some of the albums and tracks are awful. Nothing worse than waiting for a band or an artist to come up with new stuff, and it's like they threw something together in a week. But with some bad comes a little good, too.
My busy weekend. Seriously, I don't like being a social butterfly. I love my alone time. And after being 'On' all last weekend, I was kind of looking to a bit of it. Well, life would have none of that. Friday I left work at 3 and got home at midnight. I was at a bar by my lonesome for most of the evening watching hockey (and perfectly comfortable), when a buddy and one of his work folk showed up. I love my boy, but he needs to keep the work guy away from me. He's a downer. His last name is Pratt, and I've now nicknamed him SnuffaPrattacus. If you don't get the reference, start watching Sesame Street again. Went and grabbed a bite to eat, and my buddy switched seats with me so that SnuffaPrattacus and I could talk about cancer, since that's how I lost my Dad and he lost his best friend. Uh, is this how I want to spend my Friday night? Talking cancer to someone I don't know? Really? Uh, how 'bout with go with "NO" for $100!!?? I appreciate what I think my boy was trying to do, but come on. It's Friday night, and I really don't want to have an in-depth conversation with someone that isn't a friend about something so personal. Let's just call it a total buzzkill. That and I felt a little 'passed off', like it was too serious for my boy, but that will be addressed with him later.
Saturday was spent doing laundry and trying to clean up (I seriously need to focus on that this coming weekend) and then off to a baseball game. I met up with my boy, the same one from Friday night, and we met up with other guys...when SnuffaPrattacus showed up. DAMN! And there went the fun. My boy's boss showed up, too, and he was alright. I ended up meeting another one of my boys' employees who was cool, so that kind of brought the fun back up to regular level, but I neglected to notice my boy getting tipsy. After the game, went to another bar, ran into people I haven't seen in forever, made plans to hang, and then had to find my boy, who still didn't look too bad, until our cabride home. Of course, the cab driver weaving all over the place didn't help. Yesterday? I finally didn't do a damn thing, but I did catch the original 'Taking of Pelham 123', not a horrible flick. But I can already tell how Travolta and Denzel will screw it up.
I'm beered out. Yup, I said it. I hit maximum capacity on hops for awhile. So, no boozing for this week, until maybe Saturday. Hey, it's a business proposal. Maybe it'll be cocktails instead.
Here's something not so novel-when do we go back to judging others on character? I think that we need to go back and make that the old 'new' style. I barely see anyone keep their word anymore, and it bugs me. The lack of honesty I see on a day to day basis troubles me, but not for me, mostly for others. I'm certain my integrity is intact, so I can sleep well at night (when I sleep) knowing I haven't harmed anyone intentionally. But for others that question why people are shady, I wonder if they look in the mirror much-and ask themselves if they've been shady, sneaky or flat out dishonest. I'm just a firm believer that the world works everything out one way or the other. You don't have to agree with that last sentence, just a thought that's been recurring thru my mind a lot lately.
So I found this cool internet radio thing, and it's free, called Pandora. It's even introduced me to some artists I may never have known about, so that's really great. But, for some unknown reason, they keep pushing Coldplay and The Fray on me. Uh, I think they both suck, and can't deal with the whining. I have no clue how those two bands get on my Kings Of Leon station. One band is awesome, and the other two suck donkeynuts. And they don't necessarily rock, either. I just hope I don't have to write a strongly worded letter, I'm just sayin'.
And lastly for today, Fathers Day is coming up on Sunday. I haven't decided on whether or not I'm going to type something up, not sure I'm ready to unload that type of stuff just yet. Who knows, it might be a relief to do something like that. Stay tuned....
Friday, June 12, 2009
some follow up to my last diatribe
Best comment so far was an email from my buddy John, "Good Lord Tolstoy.... I had to cut down a tree to print this thing out". Now that's funny. Can't wait to see him next week for dinner. I've got dinner plans with 3 different people on 3 nights in a row....how the heck did I become so stinkin' popular?
Now, for some follow up to my last long-winded blog. I'm still a bit tired, but it's from caring about a few people. Mostly, honestly, is Ma. I worry about her financial situation, her mental health, how she's doing day to day, and how her heart is. Not in the medical, cardiovascular sense, but in the way of the love of her life being gone now for 8 months and how she's dealing/coping/managing. I've heard and read way too many stories in my life about people dying of a broken heart. I'd hate for that to happen to her, but I would also understand, very much so. She was with Pops for 40 years, something completely unfathomable in today's world. Most people wouldn't stick around for that long. I've just noticed a lot of people in their relationships that when the going gets tough, it's too hard and they leave. Like a marriage is a BlockBuster card, you can just walk away from it. Clearly, that's not how I was brought up.
I worry about my brother, like ridiculously. Why? He's a maniac, sometimes in the funny way, other times in the way of he needs a valium and therapy or he will harm someone. He goes from zero to pissed in a nanosecond. I know, I used to be like that a long time ago, too. But I started to calm down in my mid-20's. He's 27, soon to be 28. You can't wake up mad at the world, the world doesn't owe him anything. And he hasn't put his best foot forward. He's done some great things, but sometimes I get the feeling that he's afraid to try. That worries and saddens me. If you live like that, eventually you end up bitter and wondering 'what if?' all the time. Sorry, I'm not saying I'm better, but I am saying that I can look back and for the most part say I don't have regrets.
And that brings me to my 'special guest'. Why have I coined her with that term? Easy, it's in reference to Melrose Place-or don't you remember the credits that always had Heather Locklear as a special guest? It was a running joke. It's still funny. It's like knowing someone forever, being friends with them and calling them an acquaintance.
So, why is she on my mind? I'll leave that answer out there for the winds to answer. I have no idea. Well, I have an idea, but I'm not saying. I always want to make sure she's alright. Well, within my powers at least. I know she's surprised that she can have that kind of effect on someone (how?-she told me, duh). I'm also pretty sure she doesn't want that kind of 'pull' or power, but it's not for her to have that control. It's my head, it's my heart. So there (now imagine a first-grader sticking their tongue out at you. I know, very mature argument).
So the other thing that I can't believe I forgot to mention was last Friday night, we went out, and I got boob. Yup, that's what I told her I'd write, and I can't believe I forgot it!! How can a guy who hasn't gotten boobage in like (you know what, let's not talk about that-it's depressing)-how could I have forgotten? Easy, really. I didn't really get it. I knicked it. With my elbow. And I was hoping she wouldn't notice. Right, like I wouldn't notice someone grazing a nad with their elbow? Such an idiot. Really, I'm normally fine until I get around a girl I like and then I'm a complete klutz. Want another example? Fine, 5th grade. I was invited to the cool kids table and immediately spilled a whole bottle of grape juice on that girl. 5th grade relationship over before my ass could even hit the seat. Yes, I am that damn gifted. It hasn't gotten much better than that in the 23 years since. Apparently, I got boob (now try and NOT chuckle at that whole scenario, realize it's me, and put down any liquid you may be thinking of consuming in the next 5 seconds, so as for you not to spit it out.)
I've got a boatload of torturous dating/romance/fumbling/drunk/random stories, and in all seriousness, they all have some version of me spilling grape juice. It's a metaphor, you'll figure it out. Want to make yourself look like a dummy in front of a woman you're interested in, give me a shout, I'm pretty sure I can come up with something.
Alright, enough about that stuff. I'm barely going to touch on the NBA Finals, other than to say I stopped watching halfway thru Game 2 after listening to commentators tell me how much Kobe Bryant wants it. Really? I thought he didn't care at all. What, the other guys on his team don't? Wait a minute, do you mean to tell me that the 15 guys and the coaches on the Orlando Magic are just thankful to be here? No? Then shut up already. Oh, and note to Kobe, whatever that new face you have made up for the playoffs is creepy-it's the face I kind of imagine you made that fateful night a few years ago in Eagle, Colorado. It's scary, but not in that campy cheesy horror movie kind of way. Just stop, please. You're not from the 'hood, you have no street cred, just let it pass you by. Seriously, your Lakers win this title and you'll be in the top 10 discussion for greatest players ever. That ought to be enough for awhile. Freak.
The Boston Red Sox are now 8-0 this season against the NYY. Let that sink in while I go laugh out loud at the money they spent on Sabathia and Burnett. Hey Yankees fans, how's that bullpen coming? Oh wait, your favorite team doesn't have one. And that, dear folks, is why they won't make the playoffs. Pitching and defense win titles. Always have, always will. And for those that want to know why I haven't mentioned the Teixeira signing, it's really easy. Yes, he's a really good player. I won't go so far to say great. But he's basically replacing the offense of Bobby Abreu with a little more pop. His defense is so much better than Giambi's last year that it is making a difference on ERA's and other stats, but at the plate, he's pretty much replacing someone's numbers. Oh, and the Yankees are old. Cano and Cabrera are the only young guys on that team. Yes, Teixeira and ARoid are barely 30, but look at the rest of that team. Lastly, how's that 4 year deal Posada signed two winters ago looking now? I hate to say I told you so (Okay, I love it), but I think if you go thru the archives, you'll see I was correct in my reasoning.
Lastly, watch hockey tonight! Root for the Penguins, even if you don't like Crosby. Why? I'll give you two reasons as a sports fan-1)The Red Wings are kind of like the New York Yankees to me. There's no joy in them winning. Where's the fun in that? And 2)Marian Hossa. He left Pittsburgh after last season so he could go play for a championship. Uh, buddy, you're playing Pittsburgh, how's that working out?
And please, don't go giving me that whole 'the city of Detroit needs it' crap. The city of Detroit is in shambles after 30 plus years of voting for all sorts of stupid things and letting unions ravage it's most important businesses. Just google their last mayor, he only got some strippers killed, no biggie. I love people from Detroit, they are a tough minded group, but that city sucks. I've been there. It's the only place I've ever really been afraid of walking across a street. East St. Louis didn't freak me out nearly as much. Besides, the Red Wings won the Cup last year, and the Tigers won the AL in 2006. They've got plenty of sports to be happy about, not including Michigan State being in the NCAA championship game 2 months ago.
And if you don't like those reasons, here's the lame one everyone gives me when they root against the Red Sox and Patriots-'I want someone new to win it, they win all the time'. Morons. I don't like Detroit or their teams, so I'm rooting for Pittsburgh tonight. There, I said it.
Happy Friday
Now, for some follow up to my last long-winded blog. I'm still a bit tired, but it's from caring about a few people. Mostly, honestly, is Ma. I worry about her financial situation, her mental health, how she's doing day to day, and how her heart is. Not in the medical, cardiovascular sense, but in the way of the love of her life being gone now for 8 months and how she's dealing/coping/managing. I've heard and read way too many stories in my life about people dying of a broken heart. I'd hate for that to happen to her, but I would also understand, very much so. She was with Pops for 40 years, something completely unfathomable in today's world. Most people wouldn't stick around for that long. I've just noticed a lot of people in their relationships that when the going gets tough, it's too hard and they leave. Like a marriage is a BlockBuster card, you can just walk away from it. Clearly, that's not how I was brought up.
I worry about my brother, like ridiculously. Why? He's a maniac, sometimes in the funny way, other times in the way of he needs a valium and therapy or he will harm someone. He goes from zero to pissed in a nanosecond. I know, I used to be like that a long time ago, too. But I started to calm down in my mid-20's. He's 27, soon to be 28. You can't wake up mad at the world, the world doesn't owe him anything. And he hasn't put his best foot forward. He's done some great things, but sometimes I get the feeling that he's afraid to try. That worries and saddens me. If you live like that, eventually you end up bitter and wondering 'what if?' all the time. Sorry, I'm not saying I'm better, but I am saying that I can look back and for the most part say I don't have regrets.
And that brings me to my 'special guest'. Why have I coined her with that term? Easy, it's in reference to Melrose Place-or don't you remember the credits that always had Heather Locklear as a special guest? It was a running joke. It's still funny. It's like knowing someone forever, being friends with them and calling them an acquaintance.
So, why is she on my mind? I'll leave that answer out there for the winds to answer. I have no idea. Well, I have an idea, but I'm not saying. I always want to make sure she's alright. Well, within my powers at least. I know she's surprised that she can have that kind of effect on someone (how?-she told me, duh). I'm also pretty sure she doesn't want that kind of 'pull' or power, but it's not for her to have that control. It's my head, it's my heart. So there (now imagine a first-grader sticking their tongue out at you. I know, very mature argument).
So the other thing that I can't believe I forgot to mention was last Friday night, we went out, and I got boob. Yup, that's what I told her I'd write, and I can't believe I forgot it!! How can a guy who hasn't gotten boobage in like (you know what, let's not talk about that-it's depressing)-how could I have forgotten? Easy, really. I didn't really get it. I knicked it. With my elbow. And I was hoping she wouldn't notice. Right, like I wouldn't notice someone grazing a nad with their elbow? Such an idiot. Really, I'm normally fine until I get around a girl I like and then I'm a complete klutz. Want another example? Fine, 5th grade. I was invited to the cool kids table and immediately spilled a whole bottle of grape juice on that girl. 5th grade relationship over before my ass could even hit the seat. Yes, I am that damn gifted. It hasn't gotten much better than that in the 23 years since. Apparently, I got boob (now try and NOT chuckle at that whole scenario, realize it's me, and put down any liquid you may be thinking of consuming in the next 5 seconds, so as for you not to spit it out.)
I've got a boatload of torturous dating/romance/fumbling/drunk/random stories, and in all seriousness, they all have some version of me spilling grape juice. It's a metaphor, you'll figure it out. Want to make yourself look like a dummy in front of a woman you're interested in, give me a shout, I'm pretty sure I can come up with something.
Alright, enough about that stuff. I'm barely going to touch on the NBA Finals, other than to say I stopped watching halfway thru Game 2 after listening to commentators tell me how much Kobe Bryant wants it. Really? I thought he didn't care at all. What, the other guys on his team don't? Wait a minute, do you mean to tell me that the 15 guys and the coaches on the Orlando Magic are just thankful to be here? No? Then shut up already. Oh, and note to Kobe, whatever that new face you have made up for the playoffs is creepy-it's the face I kind of imagine you made that fateful night a few years ago in Eagle, Colorado. It's scary, but not in that campy cheesy horror movie kind of way. Just stop, please. You're not from the 'hood, you have no street cred, just let it pass you by. Seriously, your Lakers win this title and you'll be in the top 10 discussion for greatest players ever. That ought to be enough for awhile. Freak.
The Boston Red Sox are now 8-0 this season against the NYY. Let that sink in while I go laugh out loud at the money they spent on Sabathia and Burnett. Hey Yankees fans, how's that bullpen coming? Oh wait, your favorite team doesn't have one. And that, dear folks, is why they won't make the playoffs. Pitching and defense win titles. Always have, always will. And for those that want to know why I haven't mentioned the Teixeira signing, it's really easy. Yes, he's a really good player. I won't go so far to say great. But he's basically replacing the offense of Bobby Abreu with a little more pop. His defense is so much better than Giambi's last year that it is making a difference on ERA's and other stats, but at the plate, he's pretty much replacing someone's numbers. Oh, and the Yankees are old. Cano and Cabrera are the only young guys on that team. Yes, Teixeira and ARoid are barely 30, but look at the rest of that team. Lastly, how's that 4 year deal Posada signed two winters ago looking now? I hate to say I told you so (Okay, I love it), but I think if you go thru the archives, you'll see I was correct in my reasoning.
Lastly, watch hockey tonight! Root for the Penguins, even if you don't like Crosby. Why? I'll give you two reasons as a sports fan-1)The Red Wings are kind of like the New York Yankees to me. There's no joy in them winning. Where's the fun in that? And 2)Marian Hossa. He left Pittsburgh after last season so he could go play for a championship. Uh, buddy, you're playing Pittsburgh, how's that working out?
And please, don't go giving me that whole 'the city of Detroit needs it' crap. The city of Detroit is in shambles after 30 plus years of voting for all sorts of stupid things and letting unions ravage it's most important businesses. Just google their last mayor, he only got some strippers killed, no biggie. I love people from Detroit, they are a tough minded group, but that city sucks. I've been there. It's the only place I've ever really been afraid of walking across a street. East St. Louis didn't freak me out nearly as much. Besides, the Red Wings won the Cup last year, and the Tigers won the AL in 2006. They've got plenty of sports to be happy about, not including Michigan State being in the NCAA championship game 2 months ago.
And if you don't like those reasons, here's the lame one everyone gives me when they root against the Red Sox and Patriots-'I want someone new to win it, they win all the time'. Morons. I don't like Detroit or their teams, so I'm rooting for Pittsburgh tonight. There, I said it.
Happy Friday
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
and now I'm back....
and I won't lie, I'm a little bummed. It was a very tiring trip. A good trip, with some great moments, but a lot of mental exhaustion, as far as I'm concerned. So here goes my recollection as best as I can remember and will tell it:
6/4-Thursday: Made my mad scramble to pack (it's what I do), and managed to overpack by a day. Still not sure how that happened, but that seems to happen WAY too much. Oh well, I didn't have to check my bag, so United didn't get to bleed me for another $20. Bunch of savages. I will say that the woman I spoke with while waiting for the shuttle bus, well-I've been where she was, and boy how much I don't miss those turnaround days. What's a turnaround day? It's when you land at the airport one night and have to be back the next day. Poor woman only had 10 hours between landing, going home, and then coming back. Yuck, I'll pass.
My flight was very uneventful, even got the joy of having the aisle seat with no one in the middle between me and a girl who was going to Boston for the first time for a friends graduation from MIT. My advice was to have fun and watch for weird guys buying you shots-actually, that's good advice all you ladies. Some of you are smart enough to know that, others, well....not so much.
My Baby bro came and picked me up, it's always good to see him, but I do worry how freakin' fem he's becoming. Tanning? Waxing of eyebrows? Come on. I will say he looked good healthy and calm, and I won't be able to say that the rest of this blog. Someone needs therapy, a good book, a slap, a hug and a journal.
And then I got to see my favorite woman in the world. My Ma. My Ma and brother are in the process of moving from the old condo to an apartment. I like the new place a little bit more, I like the layout better, and the kitchen is so much bigger. More room to work and walk around in. I'm also very happy that my Ma has finally bought some brand new, nice furniture for herself. I think she'll be happy.
Well, my brother left and that left Ma and I to talk. Oh, how she loves these times. Me, well, sometimes it feels like an inquisition, and other times it's fun. I got to ask her how she was doing, and not in that passingyouinahallwayIdon'treallycarehowyou'redoingI'mjustbeingpolite kind of way, either. I worry about her, probably in ways other people don't. I worry about her financially, emotionally, I know her health is iffy at the moment. And then it came to the big question-how was her heart? This is a woman who doted on my Pops for 40 years, she looks lost at times. How do you lose your best friend and just move on? After that amount of time? Really think about that, more than 2/3 of your life was spent living, laughing, loving, arguing, raising kids, hoping for grandkids, wanting to grow old together. How do you move from that? And how long does that process take, if it takes hold, like, ever? I asked that one question, how was her heart, and the floodgates opened. No one has asked her. The phone calls have stopped. She says it's like no one cares. It's not that no one cares. It's that we're all too damned selfish and wrapped up in our stupid little existences to give a crap about our fellow man. Well, I have been thinking this long before my Father passed, but while I firmly believe in that previous sentence, the turnout for his memorial golf tournament gives me a flicker of hope for some people. But my people, those from a certain part of the country, aren't exactly known as touchy-feely. We push pain either down or away, or don't think about it. We move along with our lives as though nothing effects us, when the truth is that the impact is massive. I'll explain this a little better when talking about Monday, but I will say that my greeting to my boy Mike B. was a little bit longer than it was for others. We are brothers because we lost our fathers so very young, and now all eyes are upon us to be the family spokesman. It's not an easy mantle to carry, but one I know we'll both do with honor and dignity to make our fathers proud.
6/5-Friday: If I tell you I wasn't nervous, I'd be a liar. Like, the biggest liar ever. She had called in the morning, and we were to meet at some point in time later in the afternoon or early in the evening. She'd call and let me know when she woke up from her nap and errand-running. I'm excited to see her. How could I not be? I was going to come out and visit her in March. Yes I was going to see my family and my boys, but it really was mainly all about hanging out with her. So yeah, a little bit nervous-how was this going to go? What would we talk about since we just spoke like 3 nights ago and said so much? Would it be awkward? Should I have made plans?
And then I took 3 deep breaths and said the hell with it. Whatever happens, happens. I will not be putting pressure on anything or anyone for this evening. Just go out and have fun and be yourself. Besides, I like me, so it's pretty easy.
In the meantime, baby brother needed some assistance, because he's a wee bit afraid of technology. The new place for him and my Ma will need a printer and a wireless router that will make sure he can get online to play PS3. Oh, did I mention I got them both laptops? Yup, my family is wired now! So cool that I get to help them out, and they won't fight over computer time. So off to Best Buy we went. And he's not all bad, he got me a coffee from D&D (that's Dunkin' Donuts-not Dungeons and Dragons, so we're clear)--delicious. Add that to the list of things I miss. At Best Buy I helped my brother pick out a printer, a wireless router and I picked up an external hard drive for him for music-320GB for $75, not too shabby. Oh, little tip if you live in Taxachusetts---shop in NH, there's no sales tax. I think it took us a grand total of 15 minutes and we were done with that excursion. Then it was off to get me my rental car. Nothing better than 3 days for $50.
I went to the grocery store to pick up lunch, and I forget things about New Hampshire--they sell beer and wine at the grocery store, booze at the state liquor store. So, knowing I had to meet her later and I don't show up empty handed, a good bottle of wine along with lunch for Ma and me was on the docket. I inhaled half of it and got ready.
By the time I was done getting ready my brother had shown back up. Now, I love the kid and all, but he needs friends. Badly. He's got his ladyfriend and that's about it. I'm all for alone time, but when he sees me he has so much to say and it's so fast you want him to slow down. And he was a little antsy, the kind where a small argument could happen. It was my time to leave, even though I hadn't heard from her on when to show up. I know where my old joints are, I can make a stop and hangout for a bit. So that's what I did.
There are still people at my old bar!!! I left there over 12 years ago, and I ran into someone who is still working her Friday night shift in that bar. It was fun to catch up for a bit. I got my text message, and decided to go to the bookstore right next door to the restaurant. She called, we will meet, I'll give her time to clean up, thinking that it's only about 20 minutes away, if that. Well, it is, if there's no traffic or it isn't rush hour.
I forgot. Look, if anyone is ever in Burlington, MA at 6:00 on a Friday trying to get on Rt. 128, here's some advice...don't do it. Just make other plans. It took me an hour to get to her house. Which was fine, I managed to get thru another Black Keys album (you have to look at the positives of traffic, it ain't all bad, and there's nothing I could have done about it).
What, you want details? I could put this on the nunya list, I could be extremely vague (which certain people hate) and tell you we had a good time(and that would be extremely misleading and allow you to think less of her-ain't happening). So what do I tell you, my faithful reader(s)?
I tell you that it was great to see her, that while I thought maybe my feelings for her were waning, as soon as I saw her that flicker became a strong light. I tell you that my initial hug with her could have lasted forever, that I didn't want to let go, that I had to tell myself to 'breathe damnit', that she showed me how she decorated the whole apartment, I loved her kitchen and how open it was, especially the hanging pans. Face it, I love kitchens, that's where everything happens, at least in my opinion.
And that she wanted to drive, and we drove around, saw my old college town, and I don't think I'd been back there since graduation day (12 years ago!), and it crossed my mind that I should've made reservations, but it would have seemed like I was trying to damn hard. Remember, no pressure and have some fun. This is fun! We pulled over to figure out where we going to eat. Hopefully she learned a new route to get thru the area (like a giant freakin' circle), but while we were stopped I got more info of why she is where she is in her head. And I get it. And we ate. Now, for something a little personal-I always order the same drink. Yes, I like it. Absolut, on the rocks, no fruit. Why? Well, I like it...and it's also a nod to Pops. The conversation? That's personal, and if I'm not willing to discuss my feelings on my Pops just yet than I damn sure won't share her stuff with you either. I'm protective like that. It's my story, not yours. You ain't gots to like it, but I think you'll keep reading it. I will say that when we walked back to her car, she wondered why I had to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, closest to traffic. Old habit. Something I learned very, very young. And being a gentleman will never go out of style. I'll leave treating a woman you care about like crap to those that get shown on Cops, made fun of in sitcoms and at your local Walmart. You can call me old-fashioned, I prefer old school. Everyone else can plow over giving a crap and building something worthwhile, be it a friendship or more, but that's not how I live my life.
I told her in the car that 'shit got deep', and it was a deep conversation, but I wanted to make sure it was fun, that we were both having a good time. I'm a goofball, so I can have fun doing either. So can she. It's one of her best qualities, honestly. I could put her in a room of my bestest, smartest and dumbest friends and they'd think she was awesome. She carries no heirs about her. She was having fun (a relief, you have no idea). Off to a bar to have a drink.
What else did I learn? I will tell you one funny ancilary thing-and that's there is someone sniffing around (isn't there always?), and I don't look at it like a competition. But he's apparently intimidated by me. The guy doesn't know me from a hole in the wall. I can only tell you what I'd tell him. Kind sir, if you find me a threat to how you treat this woman, seek guidance. More importantly, step up and best of luck. I don't treat her as something to 'win', at least I don't think so. She and I will be friends no matter what happens. If something were to happen and it didn't work, I would have to be distant for a bit of time (no, not a decade), but I will always care about her and wish her nothing but health and happiness. Other than that, best of luck. Oh, and one more thing to this guy-dude, you get face time, zip it. I'm across the country. All I do is give a crap that she's doing alright.
Maybe our evening ended short, maybe it didn't, but her roommate needed a lift from Fenway (who forgets their license and wallet?) and that was that. I got home before midnight and my Ma was still up, asking/stating "Wow, you're home early" (Ouch, good shot, Ma). She asked how my night went and I said it was good, but I'm too tired to talk, off to bed.
Saturday-6/6: I got to wait for the Comcast guy!!!! Woohoo! (Cue the sarcasm)-look the guy showed up in his 8-12 window just fine, being there at 11. My issue is that the planning wasn't so great. Oh, and that they are moving into this old house where the homeowner did the wiring so it was a little messy. The good part was that I got to make a copy of all my music for my brother. So I had that going for me, or him, I guess, which was nice. The poor cable guy was there for 3 hours!!! I felt bad for him, really. Two cable boxes, sparking a line, and a phone/internet setup shouldn't have taken that long. But when you can't find all the splitters and the signal is jacked up, you have to be the one to figure it out. Add that to a list of jobs I don't want. By the time he was gone in this new place my Ma showed up and wanted to know if I wanted to go to a late lunch. Couldn't-had plans. And I'd been home for two days with nothing home cooked, what's the deal? A kid flies out to see his family and there's no grub, come on! (I was giving her crap, and it worked...just wait to read Sunday).
I was off to see my buddy Emersom. That's not his real name. But that's what I call him. He calls me Heywood. If you don't know the jokes, feel free to ask, but they're extremely juvenile. Emersom is kind of like an older brother. He's come out to Denver to visit with my Ma and Pops years ago. My Pops took a shine to him, and his Dad is kind of a putz, so it works out. Also, Emersom put together this whole Memorial golf tournament for my Pops, a visit was definitely in order. I went to his house, ate too much, drank too much Summer Sam (yummy), laughed a bunch, and got introduced to some good people. The kind of people who might help me out in a month or two.
Then it was off to my boy Jay's. I had yet to see the baby, who is now 11 weeks old. Other than seeing that girl in Boston and the tournament, this was high up on the list of stuff I was doing, come hell or high water. So I saw him. He's so little, and so damn cute. I got to hold him, and naturally, he cried. What can I say, it's a gift. When he's 2 he'll be crawling on me like a jungle gym, mostly because his Dad will tell him it's okay. And it will be. It was awesome seeing Jay and his wife Jen, as it always is, we catch up on all sorts of stuff in a matter of minutes. I will say that the Lil' Man does love the Sox on TV, it's calming. Oh, to be a kid now. The Sox being a calming influence when I was a kid was not an option. We ate pizza, drank more beer (again, Summer Sam, simply delicious). And then off to home again.
Sunday-6/7: So, what did my busting of Ma's chops get me? My favorite homemade breakfast ever, chocolate chip pancakes. Of course, Ma had packed the spatula and it was at the new apartment, so I had to run down to the store to get a new one. Welcome to my world, people. After eating pancakes, some guys Ma had called from a consignment store/dump. Let's just say I was happy I was there, I would not have been comfortable with Ma alone with these mean looking mugs. They were about the same size as me, and I knew no funny stuff would happen (yes, I'm very protective of Ma, she's just a little thing). And then some logistics got screwed up and we had to call my brother, who proceeded to lose his marbles. Not a fun conversation-I tried to calm him down but he just wanted to vent. Sometimes an executive decision has to be made, so when I knew these guys were walking back up the stairs, I asked one question--"If I give you another $20, will you make this go away?"....Yup, you can now love how I do business. Everyone has a price, this guy's was $20, problem solved. Ma was amazed, like she still doesn't know how I gained certain skills. I had to remind her how I got thru college and then I used to drive limos around Denver-shady characters are all the rage in those lines of 'work'.
Then it was off to set up both laptops and the wireless router at the new place. I love when folks are scared of technology. Ma thinks she'll break the computer if she taps the 'CTRL' key. Come on, that's funny. It took like 15 minutes to set that thing up. Then my brother showed up and it was time for his computer lesson. I taught him how to use the internet, cool sites, some of the neat features of Mozilla (I hate IE), and then it was on to the music, which is what he was all keyed up for. I plugged in his fresh new external hard drive with all my music, and it was off to the races. From there, another deep conversation. I am worried about him. His temper is ridiculous. Everyone's an idiot, and he's rarely wrong. He wanted to know how I got to where I was. My reply was two-fold, that there's nothing wrong with being afraid of what might happen, but you do it anyways, and that you can try almost anything, within the legal limits. And my other nugget was that you define your own success. Not so it's easy to abtain, but why would you ever judge yourself based on someone else's definition? He asked me if I was a success. In many ways yes, in many ways no. But I've had to change my way of thinking. I grew up thinking the destination was end goal to keep in mind. Oh, how wrong that was. It's about the ride. If you're not enjoying the ride, find a new ride. Life isn't always about fun and goofing off, but it certainly isn't about being mad and frustrated. That leads to an early grave or a life of misery. I'll pass, thanks. Oh, and in case you were curious, we're up to about 4 deep conversations in 4 days. I'm not a therapist, but 3 of those 4 kind of felt like it. KV, you're the exception in there in case you were curious.
Here's my concern with my brother-we went out to dinner and he was recollecting a story of when he told someone off when he was a cook-and the pure joy and pride he had in telling this story was scary. No one should be this excited to reminisce about telling someone off. I told him he needs a role model, or a hug, or something.
Monday-6/8: And now for the big show. My brother met me at the rental car place bright and early, as I had to drop it off before the tournament started. Then off to D&D, and then to listen to the madman drive. We don't have GPS, so the directions he wrote down weren't great. But we weren't golfing, so it didn't matter when we showed up, so long as it was before 8 AM. We got there at 7:45. I got to say hi to people, dragged my brother with me, and she called right before the kickoff to the tourney. I know you're reading this, so if you felt rushed off the phone, I'm apologizing now. All my boys were looking forward to meeting you, as was Ma, and it stinks that you got stuck with crap to do that you couldn't come up. Please, know that I'm not mad at you, at all.
Emersom was making the kickoff speech, and I was walking up to say thanks to everyone, and he was kind of welling up. He misses Pops almost as much as I do. Like I said before, he's kind of like an older brother, and then the rascal decided to get a round of applause for me because I came all the way out from Denver---like I wasn't showing up for this thing??? So my brother and I ended up with our own cart to tool around in. And he kept talking....and talking....and talking. Good grief man. Take a breath already. I love him, but it's before 10, how 'bout some quiet time? He was kind of at my hip all day, and I think that's why what happened later happened.
After a couple of hours of shaking hands and thanking people for coming out, reminiscing about Pops, golf was wrapping up. And I finally got to see my boys, who I couldn't manage to keep up with all day. Jay texted me on his next to last hole wondering if my 'special guest' had shown. I told him no due to extenuating circumstances, and he then told me that she doesn't exist, I made her up. Yup, these are my friends. After everything was done, we were in the clubhouse where I got the obligatory 'when did you get in?'
Thursday night
'Thanks for the call, ass!'--This is how we talk to each other, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Oh, and they laid into my brother, too. Why? He wanted to hang out, welcome to the gang, pal.
Next was to get back to the Elks Lodge for lunch...ah, wood paneling. I rode with Jay, mostly because I needed a break from my brother. I love him, but I don't need to be with him side by side for the whole day. We haven't always been close, so I knew the powderkeg would bust soon. Well in my travels with Jay he said, "So we got a question for you."
You and the fellas?
"No, dummy, Jen and I"
Shoot
"How would you think about being his Godfather?"
I'd be honored. That's right, I'm going to be that kid's Godfather. Suh-weet.
Then we get to the Elks and Ma showed up, on time, too (I swear, it's a record, she wasn't even late). I get to drink with my boys, shoot the breeze, catch up, answer whether I'm coming back or not (my reply was 'I'm trying'), all in all great to see them.
The raffles and prizes get handed out, and just in case you were curious about that nod to Pops with his cocktail of choice, and now mine, too-the prize for best team was a giant bottle of Absolut that was engraved and a plaque.
Then the boys left, the party's over, and my Ma, brother and I were hanging out. I said something and my brother lost it. He made a spectacle of himself. He swore like an idiot. I definitely wanted to knock him out, because he was being unbelievably rude, and because I know that no one has ever stepped up to him. It was something small, trivial and stupid. He stormed out. I got asked what happened, and I honestly right now typing this have no idea. Lovely.
Well, I still had the printer to set up, so Ma and I went to the new place, where I set up the printer wirelessly for both laptops and my brother left. Apparently we weren't speaking. Fine by me, I can cut anyone out of my life in a heartbeat if I get mad enough. I was insulted, honestly. And it hurt that I try very hard to do a lot for my family to get treated like that. Once that was done Ma and I went to dinner, as my brother had already come back from dinner and fell asleep. Wasn't exactly in the mood to break bread with him, so we let him sleep.
Ma was upset, and rightfully so. She's seen that look in my eye before. She told me she was worried I was never going to speak to my brother again (a possibility, but a remote one at that) or that I just wouldn't entertain the idea of moving back anymore. Look, if a potential relationship isn't going to sway me, neither is a dumb one-sided argument with my blood. Ma got a little emotional, and I told her if that's the way the kid wants it, come see me in 10 years and tell me how not having a brother like me in his life would be. And right then and there I stopped. Why? Because in the last few weeks I've had more than one person tell me that they are terrified of me and how I could cut them down. And I caught myself. Yup, I can be mean as a snake if I want, as a matter of fact it got me thru most of my childhood and college. To those that stuck with me, I can't thank you enough.
Well, once I told Ma that I'll deal with it in my own way, the night got a whole lot better. She's busting my chops on why I don't hold a serious relationship or I've never been close to marriage (I was once, but that kind of blew up-chalk it up as a serious learning experience about two people wanting very different things, me wanting her and her wanting someone and something else). So I told her how I gave my 'special guest' the freedom to ask any questions and I'll answer, so should Ma. I went on to tell her of my two girlfriends in high school, two in college and the first one out here, and after that, her response was, "God, no wonder you're single at 33!" So that pressure's gone.
I sent my brother a text message to the effect that we could be douches to each other forever or get over this little spat (I still don't think I did anything wrong, but I'll take some of the hit).
Ma and I got home, and at some point during all this rambling I mentioned the letter I may have written to someone a couple weeks ago. She managed to remember that but doesn't know where her car keys are....I swear it's uncanny. Ma wanted to read it. So I let her. I also got to teach her again about 'Page Down' or how the touchpad mouses down. She said it was beautiful, and I asked her if she was shocked that it could come from a dummy like me.
"Wait a minute....YOU wrote that?"
Yup.
"Holy crap!" (sidenote, Ma rarely, and I mean like 4 times in my 33 years, rarely swears)
"it's like out of a movie. Your Father never wrote anything like that to me." Yup, even in death my old man was apparently not much of a hopeless romantic/idiot...who knew?
And off to bed.
Tuesday 6/9: Well, I got a text from baby brother who was now over our little tiff. Ma had to go to work, but she had the afternoon shift, so we got to hang out, and I got the Little Guinea (yes, she's Italian, making me half, so I can get in that ethnic jab) bear hug. She weighs like 108 lbs and she tries to squeeze the life out of me so I won't go. She told me she loved me and that she would love it if I moved back. And off to work she went.
I got ready, packed my crap up, realized I had overpacked by a day (what in the hell!), and my brother showed up to wisk me away to lovely Logan International Airport. We laughed the whole way down, but mostly toward the very end in the tunnel. I found out why he never played soccer. He was playing in an indoor league when he was 8 or 9 and took the ball off the face like 4 possessions in a row, and that was that for soccer. You try picturing that and not laughing, I couldn't do it. He parked, got out, gave me a Lil' Brother hug (its one of those when you come in for the real thing and let the big bear get his paws on ya), and I was at the airport to try and catch an earlier flight. I got on standby for the 2:45 flight instead of the 5:30 flight, got me a middle seat next to a COO and a gypsy and we left around 3:15. But there was weather in Chicago, so I left 2 hours early to land an hour earlier than my original flight. Oh well. I'm back now, right?
So where does this leave things? Well, when she called me on Monday she said she had fun and was glad it was just her and I hanging out. I couldn't agree more. It's the main reason I didn't come out for her house-warming event. I either would have had barely any time with her, or I would have commandeered her thereby making all other jealous or upset (yes, this has happened in the past). When it comes to moving back, I'd love to. I miss a lot of things. I miss my friends. I miss that little old lady I call Ma. I even miss my baby brother. As for the 'special guest'? I don't know. That's my honest answer. Want to know why? The in-flight movie. No, I'm not kidding. It's a movie that just came out on DVD, huge cast. Wanna guess the title?
Look, I could sit here and lie or be vague to protect everyone's feelings, especially my own. The fact of the matter is that I care about her, a lot. And she knows it. And the last thing she wants to do with regards to me is hurt me. I get it and respect it. You know what else? There's nothing I can do with that other than respect it and comprehend it. What am I supposed to do, curse it? Why? That's dumb. Be mad at her for being honest? Nope, can't do that, either. Not in this case, as it would be a wasted emotion. Curse her position and be mad about her situation? Now that is something I can be mad at. But it's like cursing the wind, it's pointless. So, I give a crap about someone. That's my deal, not yours. I will do my best not to really 'burden' my friends with how goofy the matters of my heart and mind.
Want to know what I'm thinking? Read this blog. Feel free to comment. I will only be picking up the phone for a few folks the next few days. Why?
I'm exhausted caring about and worrying about certain people. I'm emotionally burnt out. I got off the plane and felt like sleeping for a week. Can't do that, I'm a contractor. No work, no money. So you suck it up, get some rest, pray for a dinner cancellation (which was granted this afternoon), go home, do laundry, catch up on some DVR stuff and hit the pillows early.
Tomorrow? I email and call some folks to start the next push for Boston. I'm too dumb and too damn stubborn to just give up. It's not my style.
I'll leave you with this-after Ma read my note to the 'special guest', I asked her if I was in trouble. She said, "Nope-you're something else and I'm leaving it at that." So much for parental advisory, huh?
Happy Wednesday....sometime this week I'll get to sports, I swear.
6/4-Thursday: Made my mad scramble to pack (it's what I do), and managed to overpack by a day. Still not sure how that happened, but that seems to happen WAY too much. Oh well, I didn't have to check my bag, so United didn't get to bleed me for another $20. Bunch of savages. I will say that the woman I spoke with while waiting for the shuttle bus, well-I've been where she was, and boy how much I don't miss those turnaround days. What's a turnaround day? It's when you land at the airport one night and have to be back the next day. Poor woman only had 10 hours between landing, going home, and then coming back. Yuck, I'll pass.
My flight was very uneventful, even got the joy of having the aisle seat with no one in the middle between me and a girl who was going to Boston for the first time for a friends graduation from MIT. My advice was to have fun and watch for weird guys buying you shots-actually, that's good advice all you ladies. Some of you are smart enough to know that, others, well....not so much.
My Baby bro came and picked me up, it's always good to see him, but I do worry how freakin' fem he's becoming. Tanning? Waxing of eyebrows? Come on. I will say he looked good healthy and calm, and I won't be able to say that the rest of this blog. Someone needs therapy, a good book, a slap, a hug and a journal.
And then I got to see my favorite woman in the world. My Ma. My Ma and brother are in the process of moving from the old condo to an apartment. I like the new place a little bit more, I like the layout better, and the kitchen is so much bigger. More room to work and walk around in. I'm also very happy that my Ma has finally bought some brand new, nice furniture for herself. I think she'll be happy.
Well, my brother left and that left Ma and I to talk. Oh, how she loves these times. Me, well, sometimes it feels like an inquisition, and other times it's fun. I got to ask her how she was doing, and not in that passingyouinahallwayIdon'treallycarehowyou'redoingI'mjustbeingpolite kind of way, either. I worry about her, probably in ways other people don't. I worry about her financially, emotionally, I know her health is iffy at the moment. And then it came to the big question-how was her heart? This is a woman who doted on my Pops for 40 years, she looks lost at times. How do you lose your best friend and just move on? After that amount of time? Really think about that, more than 2/3 of your life was spent living, laughing, loving, arguing, raising kids, hoping for grandkids, wanting to grow old together. How do you move from that? And how long does that process take, if it takes hold, like, ever? I asked that one question, how was her heart, and the floodgates opened. No one has asked her. The phone calls have stopped. She says it's like no one cares. It's not that no one cares. It's that we're all too damned selfish and wrapped up in our stupid little existences to give a crap about our fellow man. Well, I have been thinking this long before my Father passed, but while I firmly believe in that previous sentence, the turnout for his memorial golf tournament gives me a flicker of hope for some people. But my people, those from a certain part of the country, aren't exactly known as touchy-feely. We push pain either down or away, or don't think about it. We move along with our lives as though nothing effects us, when the truth is that the impact is massive. I'll explain this a little better when talking about Monday, but I will say that my greeting to my boy Mike B. was a little bit longer than it was for others. We are brothers because we lost our fathers so very young, and now all eyes are upon us to be the family spokesman. It's not an easy mantle to carry, but one I know we'll both do with honor and dignity to make our fathers proud.
6/5-Friday: If I tell you I wasn't nervous, I'd be a liar. Like, the biggest liar ever. She had called in the morning, and we were to meet at some point in time later in the afternoon or early in the evening. She'd call and let me know when she woke up from her nap and errand-running. I'm excited to see her. How could I not be? I was going to come out and visit her in March. Yes I was going to see my family and my boys, but it really was mainly all about hanging out with her. So yeah, a little bit nervous-how was this going to go? What would we talk about since we just spoke like 3 nights ago and said so much? Would it be awkward? Should I have made plans?
And then I took 3 deep breaths and said the hell with it. Whatever happens, happens. I will not be putting pressure on anything or anyone for this evening. Just go out and have fun and be yourself. Besides, I like me, so it's pretty easy.
In the meantime, baby brother needed some assistance, because he's a wee bit afraid of technology. The new place for him and my Ma will need a printer and a wireless router that will make sure he can get online to play PS3. Oh, did I mention I got them both laptops? Yup, my family is wired now! So cool that I get to help them out, and they won't fight over computer time. So off to Best Buy we went. And he's not all bad, he got me a coffee from D&D (that's Dunkin' Donuts-not Dungeons and Dragons, so we're clear)--delicious. Add that to the list of things I miss. At Best Buy I helped my brother pick out a printer, a wireless router and I picked up an external hard drive for him for music-320GB for $75, not too shabby. Oh, little tip if you live in Taxachusetts---shop in NH, there's no sales tax. I think it took us a grand total of 15 minutes and we were done with that excursion. Then it was off to get me my rental car. Nothing better than 3 days for $50.
I went to the grocery store to pick up lunch, and I forget things about New Hampshire--they sell beer and wine at the grocery store, booze at the state liquor store. So, knowing I had to meet her later and I don't show up empty handed, a good bottle of wine along with lunch for Ma and me was on the docket. I inhaled half of it and got ready.
By the time I was done getting ready my brother had shown back up. Now, I love the kid and all, but he needs friends. Badly. He's got his ladyfriend and that's about it. I'm all for alone time, but when he sees me he has so much to say and it's so fast you want him to slow down. And he was a little antsy, the kind where a small argument could happen. It was my time to leave, even though I hadn't heard from her on when to show up. I know where my old joints are, I can make a stop and hangout for a bit. So that's what I did.
There are still people at my old bar!!! I left there over 12 years ago, and I ran into someone who is still working her Friday night shift in that bar. It was fun to catch up for a bit. I got my text message, and decided to go to the bookstore right next door to the restaurant. She called, we will meet, I'll give her time to clean up, thinking that it's only about 20 minutes away, if that. Well, it is, if there's no traffic or it isn't rush hour.
I forgot. Look, if anyone is ever in Burlington, MA at 6:00 on a Friday trying to get on Rt. 128, here's some advice...don't do it. Just make other plans. It took me an hour to get to her house. Which was fine, I managed to get thru another Black Keys album (you have to look at the positives of traffic, it ain't all bad, and there's nothing I could have done about it).
What, you want details? I could put this on the nunya list, I could be extremely vague (which certain people hate) and tell you we had a good time(and that would be extremely misleading and allow you to think less of her-ain't happening). So what do I tell you, my faithful reader(s)?
I tell you that it was great to see her, that while I thought maybe my feelings for her were waning, as soon as I saw her that flicker became a strong light. I tell you that my initial hug with her could have lasted forever, that I didn't want to let go, that I had to tell myself to 'breathe damnit', that she showed me how she decorated the whole apartment, I loved her kitchen and how open it was, especially the hanging pans. Face it, I love kitchens, that's where everything happens, at least in my opinion.
And that she wanted to drive, and we drove around, saw my old college town, and I don't think I'd been back there since graduation day (12 years ago!), and it crossed my mind that I should've made reservations, but it would have seemed like I was trying to damn hard. Remember, no pressure and have some fun. This is fun! We pulled over to figure out where we going to eat. Hopefully she learned a new route to get thru the area (like a giant freakin' circle), but while we were stopped I got more info of why she is where she is in her head. And I get it. And we ate. Now, for something a little personal-I always order the same drink. Yes, I like it. Absolut, on the rocks, no fruit. Why? Well, I like it...and it's also a nod to Pops. The conversation? That's personal, and if I'm not willing to discuss my feelings on my Pops just yet than I damn sure won't share her stuff with you either. I'm protective like that. It's my story, not yours. You ain't gots to like it, but I think you'll keep reading it. I will say that when we walked back to her car, she wondered why I had to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, closest to traffic. Old habit. Something I learned very, very young. And being a gentleman will never go out of style. I'll leave treating a woman you care about like crap to those that get shown on Cops, made fun of in sitcoms and at your local Walmart. You can call me old-fashioned, I prefer old school. Everyone else can plow over giving a crap and building something worthwhile, be it a friendship or more, but that's not how I live my life.
I told her in the car that 'shit got deep', and it was a deep conversation, but I wanted to make sure it was fun, that we were both having a good time. I'm a goofball, so I can have fun doing either. So can she. It's one of her best qualities, honestly. I could put her in a room of my bestest, smartest and dumbest friends and they'd think she was awesome. She carries no heirs about her. She was having fun (a relief, you have no idea). Off to a bar to have a drink.
What else did I learn? I will tell you one funny ancilary thing-and that's there is someone sniffing around (isn't there always?), and I don't look at it like a competition. But he's apparently intimidated by me. The guy doesn't know me from a hole in the wall. I can only tell you what I'd tell him. Kind sir, if you find me a threat to how you treat this woman, seek guidance. More importantly, step up and best of luck. I don't treat her as something to 'win', at least I don't think so. She and I will be friends no matter what happens. If something were to happen and it didn't work, I would have to be distant for a bit of time (no, not a decade), but I will always care about her and wish her nothing but health and happiness. Other than that, best of luck. Oh, and one more thing to this guy-dude, you get face time, zip it. I'm across the country. All I do is give a crap that she's doing alright.
Maybe our evening ended short, maybe it didn't, but her roommate needed a lift from Fenway (who forgets their license and wallet?) and that was that. I got home before midnight and my Ma was still up, asking/stating "Wow, you're home early" (Ouch, good shot, Ma). She asked how my night went and I said it was good, but I'm too tired to talk, off to bed.
Saturday-6/6: I got to wait for the Comcast guy!!!! Woohoo! (Cue the sarcasm)-look the guy showed up in his 8-12 window just fine, being there at 11. My issue is that the planning wasn't so great. Oh, and that they are moving into this old house where the homeowner did the wiring so it was a little messy. The good part was that I got to make a copy of all my music for my brother. So I had that going for me, or him, I guess, which was nice. The poor cable guy was there for 3 hours!!! I felt bad for him, really. Two cable boxes, sparking a line, and a phone/internet setup shouldn't have taken that long. But when you can't find all the splitters and the signal is jacked up, you have to be the one to figure it out. Add that to a list of jobs I don't want. By the time he was gone in this new place my Ma showed up and wanted to know if I wanted to go to a late lunch. Couldn't-had plans. And I'd been home for two days with nothing home cooked, what's the deal? A kid flies out to see his family and there's no grub, come on! (I was giving her crap, and it worked...just wait to read Sunday).
I was off to see my buddy Emersom. That's not his real name. But that's what I call him. He calls me Heywood. If you don't know the jokes, feel free to ask, but they're extremely juvenile. Emersom is kind of like an older brother. He's come out to Denver to visit with my Ma and Pops years ago. My Pops took a shine to him, and his Dad is kind of a putz, so it works out. Also, Emersom put together this whole Memorial golf tournament for my Pops, a visit was definitely in order. I went to his house, ate too much, drank too much Summer Sam (yummy), laughed a bunch, and got introduced to some good people. The kind of people who might help me out in a month or two.
Then it was off to my boy Jay's. I had yet to see the baby, who is now 11 weeks old. Other than seeing that girl in Boston and the tournament, this was high up on the list of stuff I was doing, come hell or high water. So I saw him. He's so little, and so damn cute. I got to hold him, and naturally, he cried. What can I say, it's a gift. When he's 2 he'll be crawling on me like a jungle gym, mostly because his Dad will tell him it's okay. And it will be. It was awesome seeing Jay and his wife Jen, as it always is, we catch up on all sorts of stuff in a matter of minutes. I will say that the Lil' Man does love the Sox on TV, it's calming. Oh, to be a kid now. The Sox being a calming influence when I was a kid was not an option. We ate pizza, drank more beer (again, Summer Sam, simply delicious). And then off to home again.
Sunday-6/7: So, what did my busting of Ma's chops get me? My favorite homemade breakfast ever, chocolate chip pancakes. Of course, Ma had packed the spatula and it was at the new apartment, so I had to run down to the store to get a new one. Welcome to my world, people. After eating pancakes, some guys Ma had called from a consignment store/dump. Let's just say I was happy I was there, I would not have been comfortable with Ma alone with these mean looking mugs. They were about the same size as me, and I knew no funny stuff would happen (yes, I'm very protective of Ma, she's just a little thing). And then some logistics got screwed up and we had to call my brother, who proceeded to lose his marbles. Not a fun conversation-I tried to calm him down but he just wanted to vent. Sometimes an executive decision has to be made, so when I knew these guys were walking back up the stairs, I asked one question--"If I give you another $20, will you make this go away?"....Yup, you can now love how I do business. Everyone has a price, this guy's was $20, problem solved. Ma was amazed, like she still doesn't know how I gained certain skills. I had to remind her how I got thru college and then I used to drive limos around Denver-shady characters are all the rage in those lines of 'work'.
Then it was off to set up both laptops and the wireless router at the new place. I love when folks are scared of technology. Ma thinks she'll break the computer if she taps the 'CTRL' key. Come on, that's funny. It took like 15 minutes to set that thing up. Then my brother showed up and it was time for his computer lesson. I taught him how to use the internet, cool sites, some of the neat features of Mozilla (I hate IE), and then it was on to the music, which is what he was all keyed up for. I plugged in his fresh new external hard drive with all my music, and it was off to the races. From there, another deep conversation. I am worried about him. His temper is ridiculous. Everyone's an idiot, and he's rarely wrong. He wanted to know how I got to where I was. My reply was two-fold, that there's nothing wrong with being afraid of what might happen, but you do it anyways, and that you can try almost anything, within the legal limits. And my other nugget was that you define your own success. Not so it's easy to abtain, but why would you ever judge yourself based on someone else's definition? He asked me if I was a success. In many ways yes, in many ways no. But I've had to change my way of thinking. I grew up thinking the destination was end goal to keep in mind. Oh, how wrong that was. It's about the ride. If you're not enjoying the ride, find a new ride. Life isn't always about fun and goofing off, but it certainly isn't about being mad and frustrated. That leads to an early grave or a life of misery. I'll pass, thanks. Oh, and in case you were curious, we're up to about 4 deep conversations in 4 days. I'm not a therapist, but 3 of those 4 kind of felt like it. KV, you're the exception in there in case you were curious.
Here's my concern with my brother-we went out to dinner and he was recollecting a story of when he told someone off when he was a cook-and the pure joy and pride he had in telling this story was scary. No one should be this excited to reminisce about telling someone off. I told him he needs a role model, or a hug, or something.
Monday-6/8: And now for the big show. My brother met me at the rental car place bright and early, as I had to drop it off before the tournament started. Then off to D&D, and then to listen to the madman drive. We don't have GPS, so the directions he wrote down weren't great. But we weren't golfing, so it didn't matter when we showed up, so long as it was before 8 AM. We got there at 7:45. I got to say hi to people, dragged my brother with me, and she called right before the kickoff to the tourney. I know you're reading this, so if you felt rushed off the phone, I'm apologizing now. All my boys were looking forward to meeting you, as was Ma, and it stinks that you got stuck with crap to do that you couldn't come up. Please, know that I'm not mad at you, at all.
Emersom was making the kickoff speech, and I was walking up to say thanks to everyone, and he was kind of welling up. He misses Pops almost as much as I do. Like I said before, he's kind of like an older brother, and then the rascal decided to get a round of applause for me because I came all the way out from Denver---like I wasn't showing up for this thing??? So my brother and I ended up with our own cart to tool around in. And he kept talking....and talking....and talking. Good grief man. Take a breath already. I love him, but it's before 10, how 'bout some quiet time? He was kind of at my hip all day, and I think that's why what happened later happened.
After a couple of hours of shaking hands and thanking people for coming out, reminiscing about Pops, golf was wrapping up. And I finally got to see my boys, who I couldn't manage to keep up with all day. Jay texted me on his next to last hole wondering if my 'special guest' had shown. I told him no due to extenuating circumstances, and he then told me that she doesn't exist, I made her up. Yup, these are my friends. After everything was done, we were in the clubhouse where I got the obligatory 'when did you get in?'
Thursday night
'Thanks for the call, ass!'--This is how we talk to each other, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Oh, and they laid into my brother, too. Why? He wanted to hang out, welcome to the gang, pal.
Next was to get back to the Elks Lodge for lunch...ah, wood paneling. I rode with Jay, mostly because I needed a break from my brother. I love him, but I don't need to be with him side by side for the whole day. We haven't always been close, so I knew the powderkeg would bust soon. Well in my travels with Jay he said, "So we got a question for you."
You and the fellas?
"No, dummy, Jen and I"
Shoot
"How would you think about being his Godfather?"
I'd be honored. That's right, I'm going to be that kid's Godfather. Suh-weet.
Then we get to the Elks and Ma showed up, on time, too (I swear, it's a record, she wasn't even late). I get to drink with my boys, shoot the breeze, catch up, answer whether I'm coming back or not (my reply was 'I'm trying'), all in all great to see them.
The raffles and prizes get handed out, and just in case you were curious about that nod to Pops with his cocktail of choice, and now mine, too-the prize for best team was a giant bottle of Absolut that was engraved and a plaque.
Then the boys left, the party's over, and my Ma, brother and I were hanging out. I said something and my brother lost it. He made a spectacle of himself. He swore like an idiot. I definitely wanted to knock him out, because he was being unbelievably rude, and because I know that no one has ever stepped up to him. It was something small, trivial and stupid. He stormed out. I got asked what happened, and I honestly right now typing this have no idea. Lovely.
Well, I still had the printer to set up, so Ma and I went to the new place, where I set up the printer wirelessly for both laptops and my brother left. Apparently we weren't speaking. Fine by me, I can cut anyone out of my life in a heartbeat if I get mad enough. I was insulted, honestly. And it hurt that I try very hard to do a lot for my family to get treated like that. Once that was done Ma and I went to dinner, as my brother had already come back from dinner and fell asleep. Wasn't exactly in the mood to break bread with him, so we let him sleep.
Ma was upset, and rightfully so. She's seen that look in my eye before. She told me she was worried I was never going to speak to my brother again (a possibility, but a remote one at that) or that I just wouldn't entertain the idea of moving back anymore. Look, if a potential relationship isn't going to sway me, neither is a dumb one-sided argument with my blood. Ma got a little emotional, and I told her if that's the way the kid wants it, come see me in 10 years and tell me how not having a brother like me in his life would be. And right then and there I stopped. Why? Because in the last few weeks I've had more than one person tell me that they are terrified of me and how I could cut them down. And I caught myself. Yup, I can be mean as a snake if I want, as a matter of fact it got me thru most of my childhood and college. To those that stuck with me, I can't thank you enough.
Well, once I told Ma that I'll deal with it in my own way, the night got a whole lot better. She's busting my chops on why I don't hold a serious relationship or I've never been close to marriage (I was once, but that kind of blew up-chalk it up as a serious learning experience about two people wanting very different things, me wanting her and her wanting someone and something else). So I told her how I gave my 'special guest' the freedom to ask any questions and I'll answer, so should Ma. I went on to tell her of my two girlfriends in high school, two in college and the first one out here, and after that, her response was, "God, no wonder you're single at 33!" So that pressure's gone.
I sent my brother a text message to the effect that we could be douches to each other forever or get over this little spat (I still don't think I did anything wrong, but I'll take some of the hit).
Ma and I got home, and at some point during all this rambling I mentioned the letter I may have written to someone a couple weeks ago. She managed to remember that but doesn't know where her car keys are....I swear it's uncanny. Ma wanted to read it. So I let her. I also got to teach her again about 'Page Down' or how the touchpad mouses down. She said it was beautiful, and I asked her if she was shocked that it could come from a dummy like me.
"Wait a minute....YOU wrote that?"
Yup.
"Holy crap!" (sidenote, Ma rarely, and I mean like 4 times in my 33 years, rarely swears)
"it's like out of a movie. Your Father never wrote anything like that to me." Yup, even in death my old man was apparently not much of a hopeless romantic/idiot...who knew?
And off to bed.
Tuesday 6/9: Well, I got a text from baby brother who was now over our little tiff. Ma had to go to work, but she had the afternoon shift, so we got to hang out, and I got the Little Guinea (yes, she's Italian, making me half, so I can get in that ethnic jab) bear hug. She weighs like 108 lbs and she tries to squeeze the life out of me so I won't go. She told me she loved me and that she would love it if I moved back. And off to work she went.
I got ready, packed my crap up, realized I had overpacked by a day (what in the hell!), and my brother showed up to wisk me away to lovely Logan International Airport. We laughed the whole way down, but mostly toward the very end in the tunnel. I found out why he never played soccer. He was playing in an indoor league when he was 8 or 9 and took the ball off the face like 4 possessions in a row, and that was that for soccer. You try picturing that and not laughing, I couldn't do it. He parked, got out, gave me a Lil' Brother hug (its one of those when you come in for the real thing and let the big bear get his paws on ya), and I was at the airport to try and catch an earlier flight. I got on standby for the 2:45 flight instead of the 5:30 flight, got me a middle seat next to a COO and a gypsy and we left around 3:15. But there was weather in Chicago, so I left 2 hours early to land an hour earlier than my original flight. Oh well. I'm back now, right?
So where does this leave things? Well, when she called me on Monday she said she had fun and was glad it was just her and I hanging out. I couldn't agree more. It's the main reason I didn't come out for her house-warming event. I either would have had barely any time with her, or I would have commandeered her thereby making all other jealous or upset (yes, this has happened in the past). When it comes to moving back, I'd love to. I miss a lot of things. I miss my friends. I miss that little old lady I call Ma. I even miss my baby brother. As for the 'special guest'? I don't know. That's my honest answer. Want to know why? The in-flight movie. No, I'm not kidding. It's a movie that just came out on DVD, huge cast. Wanna guess the title?
Look, I could sit here and lie or be vague to protect everyone's feelings, especially my own. The fact of the matter is that I care about her, a lot. And she knows it. And the last thing she wants to do with regards to me is hurt me. I get it and respect it. You know what else? There's nothing I can do with that other than respect it and comprehend it. What am I supposed to do, curse it? Why? That's dumb. Be mad at her for being honest? Nope, can't do that, either. Not in this case, as it would be a wasted emotion. Curse her position and be mad about her situation? Now that is something I can be mad at. But it's like cursing the wind, it's pointless. So, I give a crap about someone. That's my deal, not yours. I will do my best not to really 'burden' my friends with how goofy the matters of my heart and mind.
Want to know what I'm thinking? Read this blog. Feel free to comment. I will only be picking up the phone for a few folks the next few days. Why?
I'm exhausted caring about and worrying about certain people. I'm emotionally burnt out. I got off the plane and felt like sleeping for a week. Can't do that, I'm a contractor. No work, no money. So you suck it up, get some rest, pray for a dinner cancellation (which was granted this afternoon), go home, do laundry, catch up on some DVR stuff and hit the pillows early.
Tomorrow? I email and call some folks to start the next push for Boston. I'm too dumb and too damn stubborn to just give up. It's not my style.
I'll leave you with this-after Ma read my note to the 'special guest', I asked her if I was in trouble. She said, "Nope-you're something else and I'm leaving it at that." So much for parental advisory, huh?
Happy Wednesday....sometime this week I'll get to sports, I swear.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
and the hits just keep on comin'
Not sure if you remember that line from 'A Few Good Men', but it seems very, very appropriate at this point in time. This is not about my personal life, but more on the professional side of things.
In the last 24 hours, I've been rejected 4 times. 4!!! That's got to be some kind of record. Here's the funny part, I'm not mad, sad or feeling rejected. I'm honestly laughing about it. This is funny. When you've been in and out of work as much as I have the last 5 years, this is funny. How could it not be?
The best part about all of this is that everyone is impressed with my cover letter skills and my resume. But they either have no openings or I'm two degrees off from being the perfect candidate. Who knows what perfect is? I certainly don't.
I told 3 people yesterday that I'm getting this feeling that Boston just isn't where I'm supposed to be. Now I'm giggling at that statement. Either this is affirmation of that statement, or I will need to push a little bit more to get back 'home'. Guess I better start pushing again, huh?
Happy Wednesday!
In the last 24 hours, I've been rejected 4 times. 4!!! That's got to be some kind of record. Here's the funny part, I'm not mad, sad or feeling rejected. I'm honestly laughing about it. This is funny. When you've been in and out of work as much as I have the last 5 years, this is funny. How could it not be?
The best part about all of this is that everyone is impressed with my cover letter skills and my resume. But they either have no openings or I'm two degrees off from being the perfect candidate. Who knows what perfect is? I certainly don't.
I told 3 people yesterday that I'm getting this feeling that Boston just isn't where I'm supposed to be. Now I'm giggling at that statement. Either this is affirmation of that statement, or I will need to push a little bit more to get back 'home'. Guess I better start pushing again, huh?
Happy Wednesday!
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