So I know I stated I'd write more. I apologize, I just haven't felt like it. Ever look around and see some good things but not feel so great? That's where I am at this moment. All sorts of good things going on, but I feel sluggish, unhappy, and melancholy. A general malaise if you will.
And again...there's really good things happening in my life, in my friends life, all around me. "Meh".
This all stems from my job and how I'm treated. I know this. I also recognize that I'm the one that stated 'if you don't like something, change it.' So that's what I'm working on. I'm on the (shhhhhhh) hunt for a new job. This current one has drug me down into the dumps. I've allowed that to happen. I'm taking the active part in knowing that this isn't the place for me and to find something and some place that is better suited to me.
So what's going on there? I know, I know. This qualifies as white people problems. But when you spend 9-10 hours a day on something, it can eat at you. If, and I stress that, if you let it. Now it's time to make the choice to not let it. Because they aren't worth it. Here's the deal:
1. No go-to market strategy. It's apparently being made up as it goes. No one is driving this car. I tried to take the wheel about 6 weeks ago, and got yelled at. No one came to my defense and told my colleague that was not okay. Should've been a giant red flag. Oh, it was.
2. We don't know what kind of company we want to be. Think of it this way-say your told you need to sell software. Then 2 weeks later it's services that you're told to sell. When you ask for what services against what products, you get a blank stare. "We'll figure that out." Really, when? Because I just asked you.
3. You have a parent company that has a large amount of customers in their database, but I can't touch them. Can't talk to them, can't email them. They are in a completely different line of business.
4. You ask your executive mgmt team for help-be it with reseller pricing, sales modeling, lead generation. Nothing. Example-I gave my big executive a list of 50 companies I want to talk to and asked if he knew anyone at these places. I've yet to get a response.
5. The subtle racism, passive-aggressive behavior and bullying. You remember when that Jonathan Martin thing came out last football season? I was living it. I got hired and put into a room all by myself. No training. No discussion of sales process-so I made my own up. Now they hate it. The powers that be hate my way because they bought into a product that won't move because it's overpriced. That's what the market has told us. That's what a 'secret' memo told my executive team by an outside consultant. Why didn't I see the memo? I know why-because it would only prove what I'm saying is correct.
You think I'm kidding about the bullying and the racism? Try all the snide Jewish jokes you can think of. Even when I've told them, I'm a confirmed Catholic, shown them the cross around my neck, and practically begged to be left alone, it always shows up once a week. The last one? "Happy Passover".
6. 7 months for a website. Think about that one for a minute. 7 months. I have friends that have started companies and had websites up in less than a month. Mine? Took 7. And the public that I talk to is not impressed. Oh, one more thing-I'm the leading meeting getter without any marketing help or a website that means anything. So am I mad? Hurt? Upset? Yes, to all of them.
7. And it's due to the new mandate. "You are to make ## calls and ## emails per day. You and I will meet every Friday to go over your call sheet." Read that again. I wasn't involved in the sales process discussion. Uh, I'm the sales guy. I'm also business development, partner manager, product placement and marketing (regardless of what is said-I built the slide deck/presentation, prettied up the corporate imaging), along with brand manager, lead generator and inside sales rep. I'm all these things-yet I can't even get invited to the meeting to discuss what's working and what isn't. Oh, the cherry on top? "No more networking. That's just a bunch of sales people hanging out." The one skill I truly can hang my hat on, and now it's being dictated that I no longer do it.
8. The bullying? You may think a guy my size can't be bullied, but these folks are extremely passive aggressive. I rarely get spoken to. I grew up being verbally and physically slapped around, so I know how that works. I've also been praised. Not here, but it's happened. These folks? They 'nothing' me. That's the worst, in my opinion. To feel ignored and put on an island is about the worst thing I've felt in my career. I've done a ton of self-analysis to see if this is my fault. I'll own some of it-but you put me in a fucking oversized closet and 'nothinged' me for months. I got meetings, and when the initial product offering came back with a bunch of "No Thank You" based entirely on pricing, I found other things to try and sell-not a thank you, not a planning session, nothing.
Here's the thing-if my Nissan didn't die on me, if I didn't have a car payment, I think I would've have quit on the spot. Until Friday afternoon on my way home, I truly thought all of this is my fault. Sorry, but it's my nature. If it doesn't work, it's on me. A good friend pointed out to me that this is the classic, text book definition of no win. "What happens when you do sell, what will they say?" I know the answer to this. 'Took you long enough'. Those new mandates? They're managing me out. I know this. I could tell this was coming. It's okay-they think they know me. What they have failed to realize is things-1) I'm way more stubborn than they could imagine. 2) Yeah, you're going to have to let me go, I don't quit. 3) Fuck you, pay me. And 4) do you really think I'm going to stick around for this crap?
So, new goal for this week-I'll make your calls and your emails, right up to the number you want. Heck, I may do 1 more than the limit. Just to be a prick. But that's it. No more ideas, no more extra mile, no more late nights, no more building presentations-because that's a marketing thing, isn't it? All they had to do was involve me, talk to me, be slightly uplifting. I bought it, hook, line and sinker during my interview process. Lesson learned.
I had a phone interview this afternoon (yeah, that's right, on a Sunday), and I thought the guy was a douche. "End of month end of quarter is serious push time around here. We don't take vacations end of quarter. I work 60 hours a week. And I've got a family. I scheduled my wedding around work." Gee, what a romantic. Bet his wife must love their life. And that's the thing-I don't want to be that guy. And I don't want to be any of the people I work for. They're not people you emulate. Or aspire to be like or around.
The BBQ test works, again. Don't know what the BBQ test is? Here it is-would you invite them to your home for a cookout? If the answer is 'no', well then, you've got something to deal with, now don't you?
The real problem is I feel like I've lost part of myself. I feel like my edge has been dulled. The everyday grind is winning-it's like I lost my funny, or better yet I just don't feel like being funny. That's kind of sad, don't you think? Especially since that's what I like being, my friends seem to like it, too. It's why I don't go out much. I get shit news on a Friday and let it ruin my weekend. Well friends, guess what?
I've got 2 phone interviews tomorrow.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
a few notes
so, went out and bought a new laptop. This is the last post from the old laptop, as it is about to head out to NH to hang out with Ma Dukes.
I was asked by a good friend to write more, and was complemented. I think he was drunk. With that in mind, here are a few little notes for folks:
When's the best time to look for a job? When you have one.
But do that search quietly. Seriously, shut up about it and go on about your business.
That hack from Target? Could help us in the long run (it just brings security to the forefront, which will help all of us and get a lot of eyes turned to various verticals). And could help me in my job.
Seriously...lock down the bookface already.
And lastly for the night, a note on sports. Specifically the NCAA-and how it should go fist itself.
Tomorrow, from the new toolshed? We talk about the ladies. More specifically-the art of the Woo, and if it's worth it anymore.
I was asked by a good friend to write more, and was complemented. I think he was drunk. With that in mind, here are a few little notes for folks:
When's the best time to look for a job? When you have one.
But do that search quietly. Seriously, shut up about it and go on about your business.
That hack from Target? Could help us in the long run (it just brings security to the forefront, which will help all of us and get a lot of eyes turned to various verticals). And could help me in my job.
Seriously...lock down the bookface already.
And lastly for the night, a note on sports. Specifically the NCAA-and how it should go fist itself.
Tomorrow, from the new toolshed? We talk about the ladies. More specifically-the art of the Woo, and if it's worth it anymore.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
I don't want to be awake
so after my awesome last post, I thought I'd get a good night's sleep and wake up refreshed. The sleep part? That happened. That whole 'feeling refreshed' thing? Yeah, not so much.
And here I sit this morning, awake, with Daylight Savings Time beckoning, and I have barely slept. I wish my brain would knock it off. There are times to shut it down, and this was a perfect time. Instead, this little nugget popped into my head:
"So let me get this straight-I can't present in front of 4 people, but 30+ people is a-okay?" Really, brain? Cut it out. Quit being negative. Look at this for the opportunity that it is. I get the chance to rock 30 people's minds later this week, with a presentation that I pretty much put together. Not such a bad thing.
Okay, I'm going to try and sleep before I attempt something stupid, like cutting a bagel. We all know when you're sleep-deprived that's just a bad idea.
More good news later, I promise.
And here I sit this morning, awake, with Daylight Savings Time beckoning, and I have barely slept. I wish my brain would knock it off. There are times to shut it down, and this was a perfect time. Instead, this little nugget popped into my head:
"So let me get this straight-I can't present in front of 4 people, but 30+ people is a-okay?" Really, brain? Cut it out. Quit being negative. Look at this for the opportunity that it is. I get the chance to rock 30 people's minds later this week, with a presentation that I pretty much put together. Not such a bad thing.
Okay, I'm going to try and sleep before I attempt something stupid, like cutting a bagel. We all know when you're sleep-deprived that's just a bad idea.
More good news later, I promise.
Friday, March 7, 2014
from the tip of the melon
According to a multitude of therapists, coaches and random strangers, writing can be helpful. So I'm going to make an effort to write a few times a week. My brain needs the space to work out a couple of different ideas that are rambling. But first:
Fuck George Lopez
Dude, 52 shots? And you invoke the 'Bieber Clause'? You're a grown man. With a genetic kidney condition. So bad that a couple of years ago your wife (now ex-wife) gave you one of hers. And this is how you use that gift? I have a serious issue with this guy's anger issues and comedy, but this one set me off earlier this week. Dirtbag. Ain't no other way to say it.
The Oscars? Really?
No, I don't watch that Hollywood chugfest. I don't like the holier than thou attitude. Not when they all treat their friendships and relationships like toilet paper. So they don't get my time. I see 2 movies a year, tops. I think I saw 3 last year, and one was when Ma Dukes came to visit. I'm done with Affleck and his ilk. You don't like conservatives but you like their money? Bite me. And please remember, every time you hear someone fawning over 'Brangelina' *gag*, these are two people who are celebrated after cheating on someone. You celebrate infidelity and dishonesty, I'll tout my friends that stick it out thru all sorts of crap day in and day out. Posers.
Arizona is Anti-Gay?
Uh, what? How did this narrative happen? I swear George Costanza is teaching Journalism 101 now-"It's not a lie if you don't believe it". Follow along..
Why, if you're gay, would you want someone who disagrees with your life, to bake you a cake for the most specialist day in the whole wide world? If you were white and marrying a different race (say a black person, for this instance), would you go to a KKK meeting looking for who makes the most darling cupcakes? We need a common sense judge in this country, and fast. Last example-what would you say if you heard of a story where a gay baker had a customer from that crazy-ass Westboro Baptist Church that wanted a cake with 'God Hates Fags' written on it? And they refused to service said customer?
At first, you'd probably cheer. And then I'd call you a hypocrite.
This whole thing stinks, folks. I have no care in the world which way you swing. Quite frankly, I'm a capitalist. If gay people want my cake, awesome. If my milkshake's brings all the boys to the yard, so be it. There are things I fail to comprehend. I'm not making the right/wrong judgement here. I'm asking the question. If you knew a restaurant didn't like kids running around, would you bring them there for a family dinner with a 3 year old? Not more than once you wouldn't. Quit making people believe what you believe. A long time ago the world was flat. Oops. I have no care of gay/straight/trans/bi whatever. I'm saying that if I were straight and gay don't bother me and there's a gay dude that makes the best damn wedding cake, cool. Because it doesn't bother me. If my future wife wanted a kosher cake, then off to the Jewish baker we go. If I were gay I'd probably look for the gay baker, not the stodgy 'Christian' and then force him to make me a cake. Why? Say you're that baker. What are the odds you 'accidentally' mix up sugar and salt? I'd say 100%. But only after you had the law tell me to make you the cake. Why not give the gay baker the business? I want to know what happened to freedom of choice? What happened to 'we reserve the right to refuse service'? Why does one group get preferential treatment? When did we stop being the land of the free and become the land of the 'I'm offended, sue them'? How about we all take a giant step back and think? Then maybe try and educate? Instead, bend to my will? That's not acceptance, that's forceful tolerance.
The main reason for writing-my job
What happens to the dog when they catch the car? A little over a year ago I called Ma Dukes. I was close to hysterical. I had had enough of my cubicle farm job. I had put in for 100's of jobs. Done countless interviews. Sent out resumes, had conversations, done the informal job search, countless networking events. You name it, I did it. Coaching sessions? You know it. I had to ask my own Mother, 'what in the world is wrong with me? Is my east coast attitude the thing that's preventing me from finding a fit?' That awesome lady had no answers, other than for me to keep being me and keep trying, because I'm not a quitter. That's what great Mom's do, I'm telling you. Mine, yeah, I vote her for the bestest.
Then after asking 2 very good friends for any potential leads and a few interviews, I found this job. And I though my prayers were answered. I really did. But I was the dog that caught the car. Now what? I really thought I hit the lottery. Here was a company building up a new division from the ground up, would be mine to shape, mold, direct. Oh, and there was that little thing about getting paid. On paper, everything I could ever want. I was told I'd have management support, marketing support, and most importantly-I lined up with the message given to me by upper management, the morals and values of the company.
Lies. Damn Lies. All a bunch of crap. I have asked my boss the following question on multiple occassions:
"Do you want to be successful or just have the appearance of success?"
It's a defining question. I know a ton of people who look successful. And once you get behind the curtain of illusion, they're full of crap. Sure, they may make sales, but their home life is in shambles. Or they've neglected their family. Or their health sucks. Is that really success? Well, I believe we determine our own.
My job has started to impact my health. Mostly my mental well being. There's been a long hazing period. I've put that in the past. All that support I was assured of? None of that came true. Again, another thing I put in the rear view. The constant jockeying of my role has got me twisted in knots.
Look, y'all may think none of this is a big deal. Some of you have something or someone to go home to. Me? I'm alone. I may play like I like it that way, but if you truly knew me, that's crap. I can't even bring myself to get a dog, I'm afraid I won't have the time to hang out with the pooch. That'd kill me. Even more than the job. So what is the tipping point? I'm not an inside sales rep. Let me explain:
My bosses boss has it in his head that it's 1986. That we're a big company, and by me pounding the phones we'll get that big deal. I don't know about you, but I don't know of anyone spending 50k on a phone call. And if you do, can you send them my way? Pretty please? I'll buy you a steak dinner.
Back to the story-no one knows who we are. Any of the brand recognition is based on me going out to networking event and attending conferences. I've managed to get into some very large companies based on this skillset. NOT from the phone cold-calling. I live in Denver, a small but powerful IT community. You are 2 degrees of separation, and I mean it. If you're a dogshit human being, it's known. My rep, and my soul, are intact. I don't sell out. I'm not a pushy sales manager. My job entails me to do business development, partner development, presentation building, brand recognition and some marketing. Oh yeah, and try to sell things. So the CEO has a friend that keeps telling him that cold-calling is the way. Based on what I have no idea. Oh wait-this guy's company just so happens to cold-call for companies and passes those strong leads along. What a co-in-ky-dink! As I've passed along, this guy has no stake in my division nor company. Yet because he's a friend, he gets the CEO's ear. As I told my boss, "I have friends, none are making my car payment". And you know I'm right. You read this, we're friends, right? Wanna make my car payment? Didn't think so. Know what else? I'm not really asking, I don't like charity, I give to charity. So with this background, here are my last 4 weeks:
2/7: In my monthly company meeting, I gave my big presentation to my whole company, all 3 divisions. A little background, I've been working with a presentation coach. She's awesome-even if I'm not always open to suggestion (yes, I'm stubborn at times). I killed that presentation. It could have been better, I know this, but I was psyched. My CEO even spoke to me and said 'good job'. A minor freaking miracle. And I was on cloud 9. We are a reseller, and later in the day the VP of the channel partner came in and presented. I had 3 coworkers tell me my presentation was better. I head into the weekend feeling pretty good about myself.
2/10: This 'friend of the CEO' comes up again as I'm about to leave for the day. My boss tells me we need to work on a weekly cadence. Uh, what just happened? You saw my presentation, I'm the #1 meeting setter for this product in the western half of the country. Me. Read that last line again. I didn't have a website to reference until the last week of 2013, and I'm the guy that's killing it compared to other companies who are chucking massive resources at this thing. Well apparently the CEO had a conversation with his friend and now there's talk of me making 20 calls/day. I cannot stress this enough throughout this post and in general: cold-calling is dead. It does not work. Okay, maybe it works for cable, home security and the local paper, but in major IT security? No. I've asked multiple organizations, they think this is nuts. And a huge waste of my talent. My boss and I chuckle and I think it's funny, I leave for the day.
2/11: I walk into my office and turn on my laptop. Shit just got real. The cadence changed. Overnight. Now it's a mandate. 25 calls/10 emails. Now I'm fired up. What the fuck just happened? Why is this a mandate? I admit, I sit there and wonder what I've done wrong. I'm hurt. My ego is completely bruised. I feel like a kid who was told I can't play little league. For no reason other than someone said I couldn't. I'm not an inside sales rep. That's not what I was hired for. Nowhere is it in my job description. More importantly, I had to ask, why would you put someone who isn't afraid of a soul in person on the phone which they hate? I asked my boss why the change? Why the change in the numbers from 14 hours ago? In which we both laughed at? I get no answer other than that's what someone wants. My feeling? So much for having my back. And then in my sales meeting, when I didn't agree immediately with potentially feuding with our partner I was told, "You'll care when your job is on the line". Yes, this happened.
2/12: I don't like this and I know it won't work. It starts next week, I'm not doing this mid-week.
2/17: company holiday
2/18: It starts. And I hate it. Every fiber of my being is on fire because this is so stupid and I know it won't work. Also, I'm a grown man, you got something to say, say it. Don't hide behind a title and a door. It's cowardly. One more thing-you've done nothing to open up your big bad rolodex, or introduced me to any part of your network, CEO. None. Nothing. If anything, you've made every effort to ignore me. I appreciate the check every 2 weeks, but I'm working. With none of that support I was assured of.
2/21: After getting thru 25 calls before lunch, I decide I can meet a couple of buddies to catch a few minutes of Team Canada vs. Team USA men's hockey. I tell my boss (in what I think is a tone that is self-congratulatory), "Hey, I finished all my calls, I'm heading out to lunch." The reply I got was:
'You really need to knock that shit off, it's getting fucking old.'
WHOA...."uh, what do you mean? I was just being happy to get thru it."
'Well, it's not going unnoticed that you're unhappy with this arrangement.'
"I didn't sign up for this arrangement, nor did I agree to it. I was told to do it and my job was threatened in a prior sales meeting to 'get in line' with the management."
'This is just what you need to do for right now.'
"Yup, I'm off to lunch." And what a lovely lunch it was. #sarcasm I have no idea at this point WTF is going on, or why I'm being singled out. It could be that my execs were sold a bill of goods on this product that I'm pushing, that originally they were told it's a 4 month sales cycle when really it's more like 11 months. Could be that an exec is bucking for a bonus? And squeezing his employees in the process? Hmmmmm, that's a valid question. Either way, I have no clue what I did to get that reaction.
2/24: I'm officially over this, and I spent way too much time over the weekend on this process. I averaged about 5 hours a day on this. Half of my workday? On something I hate? I know, you may think 25 calls shouldn't take that long. And you'd be right. However, I had to find the lead. Look up the lead, find any corresponding material, get a phone number and an email, then make the call. Oh, then I get to log the lead info and call info into our CRM. All me, all the time. No admin help. I've mentioned that I'm a sales manager, right? Again, I'll stress this-had this been up front when I was hired almost a year ago, I'd have no place to complain. I'd have signed up for it. And agreed to it. None of that is the case.
So on this day, I did 10 calls, and felt fine about it.
2/25-2/28: I'm off to a conference in California. Where not only is it great to be away from my office (for many reasons), but it's awesome to see what else is out there in terms of potential partnerships. It's what I like doing for my job. It was great to see a buddy from college while I was out there. Great to see some extended family, too. But to the level of work, funny for me to see how young of a company we are. And how half-assed we've been. Those aren't my words. Those are the words of my engineer who came with me to California. It was great to see how much he and I lined up. We have the same end game in mind, but different ways of getting there. And that's okay. Because we agree on a ton. And we'll question each other, but politely, constructively. Truthfully it's one of the best working relationships I've ever had. He's a good dude. This trip gave me a different perspective. Maybe I was going at my job wrong in certain ways. It hit me that maybe I should be humble and squash this thing with my boss. Maybe he's getting pressure from his boss. And maybe he's got stuff at home. What happens when you put a balloon in a vice? Well, pressure from both sides means it's going to pop, right?
I just wanted to get home and sleep in my own bed. Don't look at work for the weekend, try to absorb all the things I saw.
3/2: Of course not. You know damn good and well that I got an email asking for my call report, "for Monday and Tuesday last week". Dude, you know I was on a plane Tuesday morning and went from the airport to the hotel to the conference. Our calendars are synced up. So I spend 90 minutes pulling that thing together. And I write down some notes, after taking a deep breath. "Hat in hand. Put the past behind us. We need to move forward to a common goal, and fix what's broken. The calls don't work, and it's a time-suck." And I told myself, 'Be Humble'.
3/3: Walked into work, and my boss and I agreed that we should catch up before he has his morning catch up with his boss (see a shit pattern developing here). And I start off with, "I come hat in hand, I don't want to fight, and whatever this beef is between us I want it to go away. What we're doing collectively isn't working, and I want to make it work. We have a great opportunity here, but we need to 'crawl, walk, run', not 'birth, sprint', it is not going well." And I went into the things about how we're very young division, and our parent company seems to have the expectations of a company as old as them. That's a setup for failure. We're doing well if you look at it from a different perspective. It will come.
And then the calls came up. "I'm willing to do 10, that's a good number." My boss tells me that a new cadence was decided while I was out of the office-25 calls/25 emails a day. So let me see if I get this straight-you want me to keep doing more of the things that don't work? And you make this call while I'm nowhere near the conversation? And it's about me? You can keep pumping gas into a diesel engine, but please don't complain when the motor won't turn over. I stood firm at 10. My boss asked me, "so you're going to quit if we say it's 25?"
'No, I'm not quitting. I'm saying it doesn't work, and I have 110 phone calls in 5 days, my phone has not been called back, there are no voicemails, there are no email replies. It's not what you hired me to do. If you want an inside sales rep, you should look into that.' I wasn't a smart ass, this is business talk. I'd like to think that he was pleasantly surprised. He told me we don't have a beef, and I finally figured it out-he's being directed to tell me all this stuff.
Meanwhile, his boss is the same distance from my office. Come on over, talk to me, like grown folk do it.
My boss had his catch up with his boss, and it came down, 10 calls/10 emails. I was shocked. Pleasantly surprised. But in my gut I didn't trust it. And then I got sick, went home early. Made my 10 calls.
3/4: had a meeting that went long, went into my office, and once my boss heard me speak told me to get out of the office. "Don't get everyone sick." Mad respect for that, really.
3/5: My boss was out of town, and I was sick, so I worked from home. Sorry, but with a sinus cold, I am not making phone calls.
Yesterday: I had a potential customer meeting, that I will be quoting. Then I had a meeting at my office for 2 hours and then it was time to get ready for a huge networking event. 1300 people. This is also an event that my CEO was supposed to go with me, but after accepting my invitation, he magically declined the same meeting invite for no reason. So I ask, how's it look? Does it look like you want to help build the business when you decline an invite to go to one of the biggest IT high exec level networking events in the state? I have mentioned this before, but when he canceled on me I was extremely disappointed and took it as a sign. So, fighting a sinus cold (you know when you sound worse than you feel? Yeah, that was me) I went, with 21 business cards. Why 21? Winner in blackjack, and this is a huge gamble! You don't know who you'll meet. I just wanted to get rid of my business cards and make some contacts. And I did that. And I was told that me in that environment is way more natural than me in front of my bosses'. Telling sign (again, there's that pattern), don't you think? And I feel more natural when I know my product and can talk to people. That and since I haven't been to a bunch of events in the last 2 months, I had some folks asking me where I'd been. Apparently I've been missed, which is kinda nice.
Today: I'm trying to put together an email campaign, after being thrown under the bus during our company meeting. 'Give us a review of the conference.' Seriously? It's a conference. Big displays, and we're working on new partnerships. Believe me, this happens with no one else in the company. We're the new kids, so how about treating us like we could do something, rather than a burden? If we're a burden, shut it down, I'll find other things to do.
And then, right before I leave, my boss shows me an email from his boss: "Grow the business or fill out daily call reports" is what it said. 3 friggin' days. That's what I get.
You know when it's time to go at the bar? Or when you've been dating someone for awhile and you know in your heart of hearts that it just isn't going to happen? I've been accused in the past of pulling the ripcord too early on many a relationship opportunity, but I know. I just know it in my gut if it's going to be anything. Or quite frankly, if I see a 'win' for myself. I know, it's selfish, but it's also true. How many times in your life can you say you'd honestly look out for another person without expecting anything in return, other than the same feeling? Go'head, I'll wait. It's rare, and at times even fleeting. This job? I've known for months that it's not a good fit. I had a good friend ask me if I would ever look to emulate my executive team. If I'm being truthful with myself, the answer is, flat out, 'No'. I could go on and disparage them and paint them in a worse light, but what I've typed above is all real. Not a sense of reality. Other people have been in the room and asked me "what was that??" Which in one way is kinda nice but in another sense makes me wonder why this is accepted behavior?
I find myself questioning the reason for a lot of things. I'm involved in none of the decisions that impacts my day to day life, and I'm supposed to go along with it. I suppose if I agreed with those decisions I would go along. But when 30 year old methods have been dead and buried, my job gets threatened, and things that were promised aren't delivered, what is my alternative?
And here's the thing-I ask my friends this question:
"Is the juice worth the squeeze?" In this case, I know the answer. It's a flat 'No'. I'm not even mad right now. I'm kind of sad. I thought I had a chance to build something. The type of thing that made me excited, because I'm not money-driven. And if I were money-driven it would be to do things like help Ma Dukes move out here. And get my brother the help he needs. And buy my nieces and nephews awesome toys and big wheels. I don't really need anything. Maybe a vacation on a beach. But I'd take care of all that other stuff mentioned first, because that's who I am.
I know the answer, kids. The answer is to go find another sandbox to play in. Do this job to the best of my ability without getting into any more confrontations while updating my resume and finding a role & company that fits me in the truest sense. I have a better sense now. I caught the car. Wrong car. I thought it was a BMW and turned out to be a Daewoo. Oh well. I have a few victories. I was able to do some things-lost 30 lbs, got back on the dating horse (for better or worse), got my chair, got a car when mine crapped out and didn't have to flinch. Most importantly, I got to fly Ma Dukes out to visit for a week and hang out with her. She met most of my awesome friends out here, saw Rocky Mountain National Park, and laughed. I'll always be thankful for that chance. Now I guess it's time to go find something else.
Fuck George Lopez
Dude, 52 shots? And you invoke the 'Bieber Clause'? You're a grown man. With a genetic kidney condition. So bad that a couple of years ago your wife (now ex-wife) gave you one of hers. And this is how you use that gift? I have a serious issue with this guy's anger issues and comedy, but this one set me off earlier this week. Dirtbag. Ain't no other way to say it.
The Oscars? Really?
No, I don't watch that Hollywood chugfest. I don't like the holier than thou attitude. Not when they all treat their friendships and relationships like toilet paper. So they don't get my time. I see 2 movies a year, tops. I think I saw 3 last year, and one was when Ma Dukes came to visit. I'm done with Affleck and his ilk. You don't like conservatives but you like their money? Bite me. And please remember, every time you hear someone fawning over 'Brangelina' *gag*, these are two people who are celebrated after cheating on someone. You celebrate infidelity and dishonesty, I'll tout my friends that stick it out thru all sorts of crap day in and day out. Posers.
Arizona is Anti-Gay?
Uh, what? How did this narrative happen? I swear George Costanza is teaching Journalism 101 now-"It's not a lie if you don't believe it". Follow along..
Why, if you're gay, would you want someone who disagrees with your life, to bake you a cake for the most specialist day in the whole wide world? If you were white and marrying a different race (say a black person, for this instance), would you go to a KKK meeting looking for who makes the most darling cupcakes? We need a common sense judge in this country, and fast. Last example-what would you say if you heard of a story where a gay baker had a customer from that crazy-ass Westboro Baptist Church that wanted a cake with 'God Hates Fags' written on it? And they refused to service said customer?
At first, you'd probably cheer. And then I'd call you a hypocrite.
This whole thing stinks, folks. I have no care in the world which way you swing. Quite frankly, I'm a capitalist. If gay people want my cake, awesome. If my milkshake's brings all the boys to the yard, so be it. There are things I fail to comprehend. I'm not making the right/wrong judgement here. I'm asking the question. If you knew a restaurant didn't like kids running around, would you bring them there for a family dinner with a 3 year old? Not more than once you wouldn't. Quit making people believe what you believe. A long time ago the world was flat. Oops. I have no care of gay/straight/trans/bi whatever. I'm saying that if I were straight and gay don't bother me and there's a gay dude that makes the best damn wedding cake, cool. Because it doesn't bother me. If my future wife wanted a kosher cake, then off to the Jewish baker we go. If I were gay I'd probably look for the gay baker, not the stodgy 'Christian' and then force him to make me a cake. Why? Say you're that baker. What are the odds you 'accidentally' mix up sugar and salt? I'd say 100%. But only after you had the law tell me to make you the cake. Why not give the gay baker the business? I want to know what happened to freedom of choice? What happened to 'we reserve the right to refuse service'? Why does one group get preferential treatment? When did we stop being the land of the free and become the land of the 'I'm offended, sue them'? How about we all take a giant step back and think? Then maybe try and educate? Instead, bend to my will? That's not acceptance, that's forceful tolerance.
The main reason for writing-my job
What happens to the dog when they catch the car? A little over a year ago I called Ma Dukes. I was close to hysterical. I had had enough of my cubicle farm job. I had put in for 100's of jobs. Done countless interviews. Sent out resumes, had conversations, done the informal job search, countless networking events. You name it, I did it. Coaching sessions? You know it. I had to ask my own Mother, 'what in the world is wrong with me? Is my east coast attitude the thing that's preventing me from finding a fit?' That awesome lady had no answers, other than for me to keep being me and keep trying, because I'm not a quitter. That's what great Mom's do, I'm telling you. Mine, yeah, I vote her for the bestest.
Then after asking 2 very good friends for any potential leads and a few interviews, I found this job. And I though my prayers were answered. I really did. But I was the dog that caught the car. Now what? I really thought I hit the lottery. Here was a company building up a new division from the ground up, would be mine to shape, mold, direct. Oh, and there was that little thing about getting paid. On paper, everything I could ever want. I was told I'd have management support, marketing support, and most importantly-I lined up with the message given to me by upper management, the morals and values of the company.
Lies. Damn Lies. All a bunch of crap. I have asked my boss the following question on multiple occassions:
"Do you want to be successful or just have the appearance of success?"
It's a defining question. I know a ton of people who look successful. And once you get behind the curtain of illusion, they're full of crap. Sure, they may make sales, but their home life is in shambles. Or they've neglected their family. Or their health sucks. Is that really success? Well, I believe we determine our own.
My job has started to impact my health. Mostly my mental well being. There's been a long hazing period. I've put that in the past. All that support I was assured of? None of that came true. Again, another thing I put in the rear view. The constant jockeying of my role has got me twisted in knots.
Look, y'all may think none of this is a big deal. Some of you have something or someone to go home to. Me? I'm alone. I may play like I like it that way, but if you truly knew me, that's crap. I can't even bring myself to get a dog, I'm afraid I won't have the time to hang out with the pooch. That'd kill me. Even more than the job. So what is the tipping point? I'm not an inside sales rep. Let me explain:
My bosses boss has it in his head that it's 1986. That we're a big company, and by me pounding the phones we'll get that big deal. I don't know about you, but I don't know of anyone spending 50k on a phone call. And if you do, can you send them my way? Pretty please? I'll buy you a steak dinner.
Back to the story-no one knows who we are. Any of the brand recognition is based on me going out to networking event and attending conferences. I've managed to get into some very large companies based on this skillset. NOT from the phone cold-calling. I live in Denver, a small but powerful IT community. You are 2 degrees of separation, and I mean it. If you're a dogshit human being, it's known. My rep, and my soul, are intact. I don't sell out. I'm not a pushy sales manager. My job entails me to do business development, partner development, presentation building, brand recognition and some marketing. Oh yeah, and try to sell things. So the CEO has a friend that keeps telling him that cold-calling is the way. Based on what I have no idea. Oh wait-this guy's company just so happens to cold-call for companies and passes those strong leads along. What a co-in-ky-dink! As I've passed along, this guy has no stake in my division nor company. Yet because he's a friend, he gets the CEO's ear. As I told my boss, "I have friends, none are making my car payment". And you know I'm right. You read this, we're friends, right? Wanna make my car payment? Didn't think so. Know what else? I'm not really asking, I don't like charity, I give to charity. So with this background, here are my last 4 weeks:
2/7: In my monthly company meeting, I gave my big presentation to my whole company, all 3 divisions. A little background, I've been working with a presentation coach. She's awesome-even if I'm not always open to suggestion (yes, I'm stubborn at times). I killed that presentation. It could have been better, I know this, but I was psyched. My CEO even spoke to me and said 'good job'. A minor freaking miracle. And I was on cloud 9. We are a reseller, and later in the day the VP of the channel partner came in and presented. I had 3 coworkers tell me my presentation was better. I head into the weekend feeling pretty good about myself.
2/10: This 'friend of the CEO' comes up again as I'm about to leave for the day. My boss tells me we need to work on a weekly cadence. Uh, what just happened? You saw my presentation, I'm the #1 meeting setter for this product in the western half of the country. Me. Read that last line again. I didn't have a website to reference until the last week of 2013, and I'm the guy that's killing it compared to other companies who are chucking massive resources at this thing. Well apparently the CEO had a conversation with his friend and now there's talk of me making 20 calls/day. I cannot stress this enough throughout this post and in general: cold-calling is dead. It does not work. Okay, maybe it works for cable, home security and the local paper, but in major IT security? No. I've asked multiple organizations, they think this is nuts. And a huge waste of my talent. My boss and I chuckle and I think it's funny, I leave for the day.
2/11: I walk into my office and turn on my laptop. Shit just got real. The cadence changed. Overnight. Now it's a mandate. 25 calls/10 emails. Now I'm fired up. What the fuck just happened? Why is this a mandate? I admit, I sit there and wonder what I've done wrong. I'm hurt. My ego is completely bruised. I feel like a kid who was told I can't play little league. For no reason other than someone said I couldn't. I'm not an inside sales rep. That's not what I was hired for. Nowhere is it in my job description. More importantly, I had to ask, why would you put someone who isn't afraid of a soul in person on the phone which they hate? I asked my boss why the change? Why the change in the numbers from 14 hours ago? In which we both laughed at? I get no answer other than that's what someone wants. My feeling? So much for having my back. And then in my sales meeting, when I didn't agree immediately with potentially feuding with our partner I was told, "You'll care when your job is on the line". Yes, this happened.
2/12: I don't like this and I know it won't work. It starts next week, I'm not doing this mid-week.
2/17: company holiday
2/18: It starts. And I hate it. Every fiber of my being is on fire because this is so stupid and I know it won't work. Also, I'm a grown man, you got something to say, say it. Don't hide behind a title and a door. It's cowardly. One more thing-you've done nothing to open up your big bad rolodex, or introduced me to any part of your network, CEO. None. Nothing. If anything, you've made every effort to ignore me. I appreciate the check every 2 weeks, but I'm working. With none of that support I was assured of.
2/21: After getting thru 25 calls before lunch, I decide I can meet a couple of buddies to catch a few minutes of Team Canada vs. Team USA men's hockey. I tell my boss (in what I think is a tone that is self-congratulatory), "Hey, I finished all my calls, I'm heading out to lunch." The reply I got was:
'You really need to knock that shit off, it's getting fucking old.'
WHOA...."uh, what do you mean? I was just being happy to get thru it."
'Well, it's not going unnoticed that you're unhappy with this arrangement.'
"I didn't sign up for this arrangement, nor did I agree to it. I was told to do it and my job was threatened in a prior sales meeting to 'get in line' with the management."
'This is just what you need to do for right now.'
"Yup, I'm off to lunch." And what a lovely lunch it was. #sarcasm I have no idea at this point WTF is going on, or why I'm being singled out. It could be that my execs were sold a bill of goods on this product that I'm pushing, that originally they were told it's a 4 month sales cycle when really it's more like 11 months. Could be that an exec is bucking for a bonus? And squeezing his employees in the process? Hmmmmm, that's a valid question. Either way, I have no clue what I did to get that reaction.
2/24: I'm officially over this, and I spent way too much time over the weekend on this process. I averaged about 5 hours a day on this. Half of my workday? On something I hate? I know, you may think 25 calls shouldn't take that long. And you'd be right. However, I had to find the lead. Look up the lead, find any corresponding material, get a phone number and an email, then make the call. Oh, then I get to log the lead info and call info into our CRM. All me, all the time. No admin help. I've mentioned that I'm a sales manager, right? Again, I'll stress this-had this been up front when I was hired almost a year ago, I'd have no place to complain. I'd have signed up for it. And agreed to it. None of that is the case.
So on this day, I did 10 calls, and felt fine about it.
2/25-2/28: I'm off to a conference in California. Where not only is it great to be away from my office (for many reasons), but it's awesome to see what else is out there in terms of potential partnerships. It's what I like doing for my job. It was great to see a buddy from college while I was out there. Great to see some extended family, too. But to the level of work, funny for me to see how young of a company we are. And how half-assed we've been. Those aren't my words. Those are the words of my engineer who came with me to California. It was great to see how much he and I lined up. We have the same end game in mind, but different ways of getting there. And that's okay. Because we agree on a ton. And we'll question each other, but politely, constructively. Truthfully it's one of the best working relationships I've ever had. He's a good dude. This trip gave me a different perspective. Maybe I was going at my job wrong in certain ways. It hit me that maybe I should be humble and squash this thing with my boss. Maybe he's getting pressure from his boss. And maybe he's got stuff at home. What happens when you put a balloon in a vice? Well, pressure from both sides means it's going to pop, right?
I just wanted to get home and sleep in my own bed. Don't look at work for the weekend, try to absorb all the things I saw.
3/2: Of course not. You know damn good and well that I got an email asking for my call report, "for Monday and Tuesday last week". Dude, you know I was on a plane Tuesday morning and went from the airport to the hotel to the conference. Our calendars are synced up. So I spend 90 minutes pulling that thing together. And I write down some notes, after taking a deep breath. "Hat in hand. Put the past behind us. We need to move forward to a common goal, and fix what's broken. The calls don't work, and it's a time-suck." And I told myself, 'Be Humble'.
3/3: Walked into work, and my boss and I agreed that we should catch up before he has his morning catch up with his boss (see a shit pattern developing here). And I start off with, "I come hat in hand, I don't want to fight, and whatever this beef is between us I want it to go away. What we're doing collectively isn't working, and I want to make it work. We have a great opportunity here, but we need to 'crawl, walk, run', not 'birth, sprint', it is not going well." And I went into the things about how we're very young division, and our parent company seems to have the expectations of a company as old as them. That's a setup for failure. We're doing well if you look at it from a different perspective. It will come.
And then the calls came up. "I'm willing to do 10, that's a good number." My boss tells me that a new cadence was decided while I was out of the office-25 calls/25 emails a day. So let me see if I get this straight-you want me to keep doing more of the things that don't work? And you make this call while I'm nowhere near the conversation? And it's about me? You can keep pumping gas into a diesel engine, but please don't complain when the motor won't turn over. I stood firm at 10. My boss asked me, "so you're going to quit if we say it's 25?"
'No, I'm not quitting. I'm saying it doesn't work, and I have 110 phone calls in 5 days, my phone has not been called back, there are no voicemails, there are no email replies. It's not what you hired me to do. If you want an inside sales rep, you should look into that.' I wasn't a smart ass, this is business talk. I'd like to think that he was pleasantly surprised. He told me we don't have a beef, and I finally figured it out-he's being directed to tell me all this stuff.
Meanwhile, his boss is the same distance from my office. Come on over, talk to me, like grown folk do it.
My boss had his catch up with his boss, and it came down, 10 calls/10 emails. I was shocked. Pleasantly surprised. But in my gut I didn't trust it. And then I got sick, went home early. Made my 10 calls.
3/4: had a meeting that went long, went into my office, and once my boss heard me speak told me to get out of the office. "Don't get everyone sick." Mad respect for that, really.
3/5: My boss was out of town, and I was sick, so I worked from home. Sorry, but with a sinus cold, I am not making phone calls.
Yesterday: I had a potential customer meeting, that I will be quoting. Then I had a meeting at my office for 2 hours and then it was time to get ready for a huge networking event. 1300 people. This is also an event that my CEO was supposed to go with me, but after accepting my invitation, he magically declined the same meeting invite for no reason. So I ask, how's it look? Does it look like you want to help build the business when you decline an invite to go to one of the biggest IT high exec level networking events in the state? I have mentioned this before, but when he canceled on me I was extremely disappointed and took it as a sign. So, fighting a sinus cold (you know when you sound worse than you feel? Yeah, that was me) I went, with 21 business cards. Why 21? Winner in blackjack, and this is a huge gamble! You don't know who you'll meet. I just wanted to get rid of my business cards and make some contacts. And I did that. And I was told that me in that environment is way more natural than me in front of my bosses'. Telling sign (again, there's that pattern), don't you think? And I feel more natural when I know my product and can talk to people. That and since I haven't been to a bunch of events in the last 2 months, I had some folks asking me where I'd been. Apparently I've been missed, which is kinda nice.
Today: I'm trying to put together an email campaign, after being thrown under the bus during our company meeting. 'Give us a review of the conference.' Seriously? It's a conference. Big displays, and we're working on new partnerships. Believe me, this happens with no one else in the company. We're the new kids, so how about treating us like we could do something, rather than a burden? If we're a burden, shut it down, I'll find other things to do.
And then, right before I leave, my boss shows me an email from his boss: "Grow the business or fill out daily call reports" is what it said. 3 friggin' days. That's what I get.
You know when it's time to go at the bar? Or when you've been dating someone for awhile and you know in your heart of hearts that it just isn't going to happen? I've been accused in the past of pulling the ripcord too early on many a relationship opportunity, but I know. I just know it in my gut if it's going to be anything. Or quite frankly, if I see a 'win' for myself. I know, it's selfish, but it's also true. How many times in your life can you say you'd honestly look out for another person without expecting anything in return, other than the same feeling? Go'head, I'll wait. It's rare, and at times even fleeting. This job? I've known for months that it's not a good fit. I had a good friend ask me if I would ever look to emulate my executive team. If I'm being truthful with myself, the answer is, flat out, 'No'. I could go on and disparage them and paint them in a worse light, but what I've typed above is all real. Not a sense of reality. Other people have been in the room and asked me "what was that??" Which in one way is kinda nice but in another sense makes me wonder why this is accepted behavior?
I find myself questioning the reason for a lot of things. I'm involved in none of the decisions that impacts my day to day life, and I'm supposed to go along with it. I suppose if I agreed with those decisions I would go along. But when 30 year old methods have been dead and buried, my job gets threatened, and things that were promised aren't delivered, what is my alternative?
And here's the thing-I ask my friends this question:
"Is the juice worth the squeeze?" In this case, I know the answer. It's a flat 'No'. I'm not even mad right now. I'm kind of sad. I thought I had a chance to build something. The type of thing that made me excited, because I'm not money-driven. And if I were money-driven it would be to do things like help Ma Dukes move out here. And get my brother the help he needs. And buy my nieces and nephews awesome toys and big wheels. I don't really need anything. Maybe a vacation on a beach. But I'd take care of all that other stuff mentioned first, because that's who I am.
I know the answer, kids. The answer is to go find another sandbox to play in. Do this job to the best of my ability without getting into any more confrontations while updating my resume and finding a role & company that fits me in the truest sense. I have a better sense now. I caught the car. Wrong car. I thought it was a BMW and turned out to be a Daewoo. Oh well. I have a few victories. I was able to do some things-lost 30 lbs, got back on the dating horse (for better or worse), got my chair, got a car when mine crapped out and didn't have to flinch. Most importantly, I got to fly Ma Dukes out to visit for a week and hang out with her. She met most of my awesome friends out here, saw Rocky Mountain National Park, and laughed. I'll always be thankful for that chance. Now I guess it's time to go find something else.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Clean It Up
So for the first time in my whole career in the corporate world, I have Presidents Day off. Yes, I'm on my work laptop, but I'm not doing work. I've got a ton of links that I've wanted to share with my friends that read this blog. I know, calling me sporadic would be putting it politely, but I do plan on writing more in the future.
Writing is therapeutic, and with my current role in limbo, it could be helpful to write and sort things out. I don't want to talk much about it, other than the following-I firmly believe that the culture is doomed to fail, I've been bullied (no joke), and last week I went from "it's yours to run" to "You need to make 125 calls and 50 emails a week, your job depends on it". In the span of a weekend, I went from someone who is running a division to an inside sales rep. While there is nothing in and of those job titles, that's a wild swing in role and responsibilities. The one thing I look for in the work space is consistency. Not in the job itself, but in the things around me. Totally not happening.
So what do I do? I'm back to working with my career coach, updating the resume and seeing (quietly) what else may be out there. I was asked if I would relocate, and I would. Pacific Northwest, Texas, Arizona, Nevada, that's about it. No real want to go back east. Besides, folks there are buried in snow. No thank you.
Now, to the links:
I get the president of PayPal's message, but dude, tone it down.
If you want to know what I do for a living, here's part of it...protect your info as best you can, people!
Some legit Resolutions you should try (I'm working on #'s 9 &11).
I'm getting tired of patient information breaches....(sigh)
Ted Talk-The Power of Authenticity. A true motivator for me the last 9 months.
Oh insurance companies...why you suck (and this was before the ACA kicked in!)
I'm being forced to 'get on the phone', but if they'd have asked me I wouldn't care. Oh, but I'm not in advertising, and I don't know anyone who spends 100k from a phone call. Whatevs.
I eon't want to be in a political debate about healthcare. I do want to debate the rules. If you write the law, and put things in the law so that they cannot be changed, and then you change them, then you broke the law.
I get it, all our information could be breached. Hacked. Stolen. You know what happens when you screw up? Be accountable! So damn difficult for technology screw ups these days. And why be accountable? Because we the consumer remember this crap!
I could sit here and mock the Future Feminists of the world, but it's too easy. The bastion of education can't have people be offended by 'art'. Why use quotation marks? Easy-what is art to one isn't too another. It's all subjective. I'm sure some folks think Woody Allen is a fantastic artist in the genre of film. I choose to never ever see any of his films because I think he's a dirtbag. Feminists, like most other causes, went too far. In its origination, there were great ideas and ideals. Now? Read this one, laugh along with me, and mock them. The future of all countries/nations/futures is about to shit the bed. For one simple reason. "You do not have the right to be unoffended. Get over yourself." The tribe has spoken!
I'm done for now, but as always, Damn The Man. Think, while it's still legal.
Writing is therapeutic, and with my current role in limbo, it could be helpful to write and sort things out. I don't want to talk much about it, other than the following-I firmly believe that the culture is doomed to fail, I've been bullied (no joke), and last week I went from "it's yours to run" to "You need to make 125 calls and 50 emails a week, your job depends on it". In the span of a weekend, I went from someone who is running a division to an inside sales rep. While there is nothing in and of those job titles, that's a wild swing in role and responsibilities. The one thing I look for in the work space is consistency. Not in the job itself, but in the things around me. Totally not happening.
So what do I do? I'm back to working with my career coach, updating the resume and seeing (quietly) what else may be out there. I was asked if I would relocate, and I would. Pacific Northwest, Texas, Arizona, Nevada, that's about it. No real want to go back east. Besides, folks there are buried in snow. No thank you.
Now, to the links:
I get the president of PayPal's message, but dude, tone it down.
If you want to know what I do for a living, here's part of it...protect your info as best you can, people!
Some legit Resolutions you should try (I'm working on #'s 9 &11).
I'm getting tired of patient information breaches....(sigh)
Ted Talk-The Power of Authenticity. A true motivator for me the last 9 months.
Oh insurance companies...why you suck (and this was before the ACA kicked in!)
I'm being forced to 'get on the phone', but if they'd have asked me I wouldn't care. Oh, but I'm not in advertising, and I don't know anyone who spends 100k from a phone call. Whatevs.
I eon't want to be in a political debate about healthcare. I do want to debate the rules. If you write the law, and put things in the law so that they cannot be changed, and then you change them, then you broke the law.
I get it, all our information could be breached. Hacked. Stolen. You know what happens when you screw up? Be accountable! So damn difficult for technology screw ups these days. And why be accountable? Because we the consumer remember this crap!
I could sit here and mock the Future Feminists of the world, but it's too easy. The bastion of education can't have people be offended by 'art'. Why use quotation marks? Easy-what is art to one isn't too another. It's all subjective. I'm sure some folks think Woody Allen is a fantastic artist in the genre of film. I choose to never ever see any of his films because I think he's a dirtbag. Feminists, like most other causes, went too far. In its origination, there were great ideas and ideals. Now? Read this one, laugh along with me, and mock them. The future of all countries/nations/futures is about to shit the bed. For one simple reason. "You do not have the right to be unoffended. Get over yourself." The tribe has spoken!
I'm done for now, but as always, Damn The Man. Think, while it's still legal.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
My 'Big Game' post
I'm jumping right into this....
I want Seattle to win. There, it's out there now. Why? Here's the laundry list:
"You Live in Denver now"
This has been said to me so many stinking times that the Monday after the Broncos handed it to the Patriots I had had enough. My A/P gal said this to me. Finally I had to retort:
"If I lived in Afghanistan I wouldn't root for Al-Quida". Who cares where I live? Know where I'm from? Any clue of who I rooted for up until 1995? I'll never root for Denver. And I'll for damn sure never root for Peyton Manning. So many bandwagon fans-'because I live here', is the dumbest sports fan copout I can come up with. I loved Carmelo Anthony his 1 year at Syracuse. Was stoked when he was drafted by the Nuggets. Then his true colors showed, and he forced a trade to the New York Knicks. So? Fuck him. That's what's 'So'.
Broncos fans
Again, a bunch of bandwagon hoppers. So many non-Tebow fans now. Funny, a couple of years ago I remember his Broncos #15 everywhere I went. And it being the #1 overall selling jersey. Now? Don't remember that guy. Now it's all about Peyton Manning, or that Champ Bailey deserves this. What a bunch of shit. No one deserves anything-go out and earn it.
More importantly, Broncos fans are trash. Not my line, that one gets credited to my buddy's wife. Even a seasoned CEO turns into someone who sounds like they're from the Vatos gang out in LA. I have friends that are Broncos fans that I'm cool with. They are the exception, not the rule. The rule? Turn on sports radio. Morons. More importantly, that stupid 'In-Com-Plete' chant. God I can't stand these people. Rest assured, I have rival fans, but none of them (combined) come close to the dickishness displayed around here.
United in Orange
You're ruining Syracuse for me, knock it off! The fact that in 1998 this Denver organization changed from primarily Orange and Royal Blue to Navy Blue and Orange infuriates me. I have no explanation, other than my own wardrobe. People look at me and think for a split second I'm a donkeys fan. Yuck. Fuck John Elway and the whole stinkin' narrative I've had forced down my throat for 2 weeks. Go find something else to do, like ski.
The McDaniels factor
When does this guy get his due? People in Denver shit all over Josh McDaniels, mostly for drafting Tebow. Fine, that's a loser, except for that one division title and playoff game he won. How are his draft picks compared to his predecessor? Look it up, you'll be impressed. Here's a hint-the starting RB and 2 WRs on the outside. Yeah, that's who he drafted. Quite honestly, Josh McDaniels may have a future as a GM moreso than an OC.
It's the Stoner Bowl
Great, haven't heard this one a billion too many times. We get it, it's the two states that legalized weed. Until you remember that weed is still illegal under federal law and that banks won't touch their financing. Good thing we'll get all that tax money....oh wait, no we won't.
But what about the other drugs?
There are few that mention it, but there's no way Von Miller should've played at all this season. And then he somehow, miraculously managed to tack on 16 lbs to his frame while he was suspended. Add to it that Peyton Manning had 4 neck surgeries and is somehow still able to throw a football 20 yards on a rope. Yup, you're right, nothing to see here. Oh, don't look in disdain, Seahawks fans. Your squad has a serious problems, too. They rhyme with Adderall
PFM vs. PMF
T-shirts all around this town of Denver in the shape of the NFL shield with PFM in them. Meaning? "Peyton Fuckin' Manning". How original. What's PMF? Peyton Manning Face. I know it well. It's the face he last gave against San Diego in week 15. He gave it a ton of times vs. New England in the playoffs when he was in Indy. He gave it a year ago when beaten by Baltimore. I'm not overly impressed with Peyton Manning. I never have been. I'm also really not impressed with bowing down this town has done for him. He plays QB in the NFL, not the second coming of Christ. And I know, I know. I cheer for a guy named Big Papi.
The Legacy
Since Manning decided he needed to keep throwing 4 yard TD passes, he crushed the single season TD and single season passing yardage marks. Whoop-di-damn-doo. If he wins this apparently he's the greatest QB of all time. Really? Winning 2 rings in 3 tries makes you the best? I'll take Joe Montana and that Brady fella all day, every day over him. I know the GOAT discussion will never be settled, but I'd like to see Manning and his fanboys knocked down a peg.
I'm questioning the run-up
I've asked the question out loud twice this week, and can't get an answer. So I'll put it out to the internet: Why is it that when Tom Brady was chucking 50 TD passes he was running up the score, but when Manning throws 5 more we hear nothing about it? Why? I want to know. If it's that the national media hates Bill Belichick, fine. If it's that they hate Tom Brady and his smokin' hot wife and life, fine. But it's time to cop to it. No one is mentioning that the Broncos played one of the easiest schedules known to exist. Yes, you must be a little lucky, but I've grown weary of all the accolades. Here's the thing-I have no issue with the TD passes. None. The defense's job is to stop you. They couldn't. But I remember what I heard a few years ago. The Patriots were jerks. Manning throws 7 TDs in the first game of the season and it's awesome. Chucked another 4 vs Tennessee to prove "I can too win in the cold". And it's no biggie. Fine, but you can't have it both ways. I'm throwing this out to you-the now 5 time MVP chokes a ton more than he's won. Sure, you can lose some games, but I remember Peyton's last Super Bowl, the one with the pick-6. And then how that throw was Reggie Wayne's fault, and not Manning's. And Manning never taking the blame for it. I think he's a weasel. And I loathe that the national media constantly fawn over him. He's a shit teammate, it's just y'all fell for that 'aw shucks' Southern drawl when he slings Buicks and Pizzas.
The Dick Pick
I'm a huge Richard Sherman fan. Well, Richard Sherman the player. The guy? I have a hard time after hearing that if someone called him a thug that they meant to call him 'the N-word'. Really? You want shock & awe and you won't say the damn word? Richard, allow me to introduce myself. I'm a white guy. Brought up white. To like everyone. To judge a person on their interactions with me and the world. You know, that whole content of character vs. color of skin thing. I didn't call you a Thug. I called you Awesome. I also said after your phenomenal interview "that it ain't cocky if you can back it up". Please don't lump me with people.
As for football, you're the best. Stats don't lie. When the ball is thrown to your guy, QBs complete 39%. That's awesome. I'm hoping you take one to the house today. You have no idea. This white guy is rooting for you. Not because of your story, but because you're that damn good.
For Seattle, that's why
For Ken Griffey Jr. For a young A-Rod. For Randy Johnson. For Jack Sikma. For Dennis Johnson. For Tom Chambers. For Dale Ellis. For Xavier McDaniel. For Shawn Kemp. For Gary Payton. For Dave Krieg. For Curt Warner. For Steve Largent. For Cortez Kennedy. For Walter Jones. For Shaun Alexander. For Steve Hutchinson. For Kurt Cobain. For Jimi Hendrix. For grunge.
For Matt Hasselbeck and Mike Holmgren, who were royally screwed in SB XL. Even the refs said he was biased and wrong on a ton of calls.
For the city of Seattle, boned over by the NBA in stealing the SuperSonics and giving them to Oklahoma City. For those same fans for being used by the NBA to get Sacramento a better stadium.
For the whole city and a rabid fan base. Quite frankly, I hope it's your time.
Because for me, the best Broncos fan is a quiet Broncos fan. Now get me a 12th Man flag and some Adderall!!
I want Seattle to win. There, it's out there now. Why? Here's the laundry list:
"You Live in Denver now"
This has been said to me so many stinking times that the Monday after the Broncos handed it to the Patriots I had had enough. My A/P gal said this to me. Finally I had to retort:
"If I lived in Afghanistan I wouldn't root for Al-Quida". Who cares where I live? Know where I'm from? Any clue of who I rooted for up until 1995? I'll never root for Denver. And I'll for damn sure never root for Peyton Manning. So many bandwagon fans-'because I live here', is the dumbest sports fan copout I can come up with. I loved Carmelo Anthony his 1 year at Syracuse. Was stoked when he was drafted by the Nuggets. Then his true colors showed, and he forced a trade to the New York Knicks. So? Fuck him. That's what's 'So'.
Broncos fans
Again, a bunch of bandwagon hoppers. So many non-Tebow fans now. Funny, a couple of years ago I remember his Broncos #15 everywhere I went. And it being the #1 overall selling jersey. Now? Don't remember that guy. Now it's all about Peyton Manning, or that Champ Bailey deserves this. What a bunch of shit. No one deserves anything-go out and earn it.
More importantly, Broncos fans are trash. Not my line, that one gets credited to my buddy's wife. Even a seasoned CEO turns into someone who sounds like they're from the Vatos gang out in LA. I have friends that are Broncos fans that I'm cool with. They are the exception, not the rule. The rule? Turn on sports radio. Morons. More importantly, that stupid 'In-Com-Plete' chant. God I can't stand these people. Rest assured, I have rival fans, but none of them (combined) come close to the dickishness displayed around here.
United in Orange
You're ruining Syracuse for me, knock it off! The fact that in 1998 this Denver organization changed from primarily Orange and Royal Blue to Navy Blue and Orange infuriates me. I have no explanation, other than my own wardrobe. People look at me and think for a split second I'm a donkeys fan. Yuck. Fuck John Elway and the whole stinkin' narrative I've had forced down my throat for 2 weeks. Go find something else to do, like ski.
The McDaniels factor
When does this guy get his due? People in Denver shit all over Josh McDaniels, mostly for drafting Tebow. Fine, that's a loser, except for that one division title and playoff game he won. How are his draft picks compared to his predecessor? Look it up, you'll be impressed. Here's a hint-the starting RB and 2 WRs on the outside. Yeah, that's who he drafted. Quite honestly, Josh McDaniels may have a future as a GM moreso than an OC.
It's the Stoner Bowl
Great, haven't heard this one a billion too many times. We get it, it's the two states that legalized weed. Until you remember that weed is still illegal under federal law and that banks won't touch their financing. Good thing we'll get all that tax money....oh wait, no we won't.
But what about the other drugs?
There are few that mention it, but there's no way Von Miller should've played at all this season. And then he somehow, miraculously managed to tack on 16 lbs to his frame while he was suspended. Add to it that Peyton Manning had 4 neck surgeries and is somehow still able to throw a football 20 yards on a rope. Yup, you're right, nothing to see here. Oh, don't look in disdain, Seahawks fans. Your squad has a serious problems, too. They rhyme with Adderall
PFM vs. PMF
T-shirts all around this town of Denver in the shape of the NFL shield with PFM in them. Meaning? "Peyton Fuckin' Manning". How original. What's PMF? Peyton Manning Face. I know it well. It's the face he last gave against San Diego in week 15. He gave it a ton of times vs. New England in the playoffs when he was in Indy. He gave it a year ago when beaten by Baltimore. I'm not overly impressed with Peyton Manning. I never have been. I'm also really not impressed with bowing down this town has done for him. He plays QB in the NFL, not the second coming of Christ. And I know, I know. I cheer for a guy named Big Papi.
The Legacy
Since Manning decided he needed to keep throwing 4 yard TD passes, he crushed the single season TD and single season passing yardage marks. Whoop-di-damn-doo. If he wins this apparently he's the greatest QB of all time. Really? Winning 2 rings in 3 tries makes you the best? I'll take Joe Montana and that Brady fella all day, every day over him. I know the GOAT discussion will never be settled, but I'd like to see Manning and his fanboys knocked down a peg.
I'm questioning the run-up
I've asked the question out loud twice this week, and can't get an answer. So I'll put it out to the internet: Why is it that when Tom Brady was chucking 50 TD passes he was running up the score, but when Manning throws 5 more we hear nothing about it? Why? I want to know. If it's that the national media hates Bill Belichick, fine. If it's that they hate Tom Brady and his smokin' hot wife and life, fine. But it's time to cop to it. No one is mentioning that the Broncos played one of the easiest schedules known to exist. Yes, you must be a little lucky, but I've grown weary of all the accolades. Here's the thing-I have no issue with the TD passes. None. The defense's job is to stop you. They couldn't. But I remember what I heard a few years ago. The Patriots were jerks. Manning throws 7 TDs in the first game of the season and it's awesome. Chucked another 4 vs Tennessee to prove "I can too win in the cold". And it's no biggie. Fine, but you can't have it both ways. I'm throwing this out to you-the now 5 time MVP chokes a ton more than he's won. Sure, you can lose some games, but I remember Peyton's last Super Bowl, the one with the pick-6. And then how that throw was Reggie Wayne's fault, and not Manning's. And Manning never taking the blame for it. I think he's a weasel. And I loathe that the national media constantly fawn over him. He's a shit teammate, it's just y'all fell for that 'aw shucks' Southern drawl when he slings Buicks and Pizzas.
The Dick Pick
I'm a huge Richard Sherman fan. Well, Richard Sherman the player. The guy? I have a hard time after hearing that if someone called him a thug that they meant to call him 'the N-word'. Really? You want shock & awe and you won't say the damn word? Richard, allow me to introduce myself. I'm a white guy. Brought up white. To like everyone. To judge a person on their interactions with me and the world. You know, that whole content of character vs. color of skin thing. I didn't call you a Thug. I called you Awesome. I also said after your phenomenal interview "that it ain't cocky if you can back it up". Please don't lump me with people.
As for football, you're the best. Stats don't lie. When the ball is thrown to your guy, QBs complete 39%. That's awesome. I'm hoping you take one to the house today. You have no idea. This white guy is rooting for you. Not because of your story, but because you're that damn good.
For Seattle, that's why
For Ken Griffey Jr. For a young A-Rod. For Randy Johnson. For Jack Sikma. For Dennis Johnson. For Tom Chambers. For Dale Ellis. For Xavier McDaniel. For Shawn Kemp. For Gary Payton. For Dave Krieg. For Curt Warner. For Steve Largent. For Cortez Kennedy. For Walter Jones. For Shaun Alexander. For Steve Hutchinson. For Kurt Cobain. For Jimi Hendrix. For grunge.
For Matt Hasselbeck and Mike Holmgren, who were royally screwed in SB XL. Even the refs said he was biased and wrong on a ton of calls.
For the city of Seattle, boned over by the NBA in stealing the SuperSonics and giving them to Oklahoma City. For those same fans for being used by the NBA to get Sacramento a better stadium.
For the whole city and a rabid fan base. Quite frankly, I hope it's your time.
Because for me, the best Broncos fan is a quiet Broncos fan. Now get me a 12th Man flag and some Adderall!!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Pickin' Winners?
So yesterday I took Kansas City (sigh) and New Orleans.
Today? I'm going Cincinnati and San Francisco. I'll know in the 1st series on each for offense if I made the right calls. In other words, you should go against my picks and pay your mortgage.
Today? I'm going Cincinnati and San Francisco. I'll know in the 1st series on each for offense if I made the right calls. In other words, you should go against my picks and pay your mortgage.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy 2014. And thanks for 2013..
I had promised last year to write more, even more from the heart. I said I wanted to do open mic nights. Even had so many good things happen in 2013 that it has dawned on me that I stopped writing. I stopped laughing for a little while. And one night I woke up in a sweat. Not from the flu. Not from having too many blankets. Not from forgetting to put the A/C on.
It is something far more sinister. If you want to skip some links and thoughts on other things in the world, or even the big recap of my 2013, I won't be offended. I've teased this news in other blogs, but I'm finally ready to let the it out. This isn't after some form of therapy. This is after much soul searching and quite frankly, a ton of crying. But, the fluffy stuff comes first, then the real deal at the bottom.
Some links...
Ah The Affordable Care Act....and no one can afford it. Robbing young folks that don't want services for old folks that don't need 'em. Yeah, I'll go there. Why does a 55 year old woman need maternity services? Bottom line for me? Why rob Trevor to pay Miriam? Better yet, why are some hospitals excluded? There are still more questions than answers, and my thought is that this was never really about healthcare being affordable to everyone. It's about government control. Democrat or Republican, that's a bad idea. And it's because the government has never done anything well except tax folks and go to war. If you think I'm nuts, ask yourself this-why was a website that is supposed to be the gateway for all Americans to gain access to healthcare unusable? Why was this website built by a company based in Canada? Ask these questions, too. And then I'm throwing my political spin on it-if you think cronyism is in the Republican party (it totally is), wouldn't the same be true when you find out that the website never went out for bid and was given to the Presidents wife's BFF? I'm asking. And begging you to connect the dots.
Sports
Uh, the Red Sox won the World Series. Take that in your pipe, Yankees fans, and smoke it. So much more on one of my least favorite teams, but for now I'm going to enjoy watching them sign paychecks for some old ballplayers. And in turn, welcome Jackie Bradley Jr. as the new stathead man crush. Watch this guy play much better defense than his predecessor. And as always with Scott Boras' clients, it's about the money.
The Celtics are competitive? So, trade away 2 sure-fire 1st ballot hall of famers, and you're more entertaining to watch? And there's an All-Star point guard on the mend that could come back in the next month or so? I'm intrigued. And surprised. And happy-new head coach Brad Stevens is one that embraces analytics. So if there's data that says you shoot 18% from the left elbow, guess what? No more shooting from there for you!! (Oh, and the Knicks and Nets are train wrecks-good times!)
The Bruins are in 1st. But, uh, as of today, the last 2 games are not good. And they are very banged up along their backline. Is there anyone to call up for reinforcements? Or is it time to make a deal? I have no idea. I know this-the B's aren't the team built to win 6-4 games. That shit may fly in Pittsburgh, but in Boston we play defense and have timely scoring. Get healthy and slightly better on the power play, and it's go time again!
The Patriots. I live in Denver and let me put it out there-Peyton Manning is a fucking joke. There, I said it. I don't ever want to hear anyone try to tell me Tom Brady broke the record and that's all he was going for. Not after what I've seen the last few weeks. 6 man fronts and check to a run? Oh, not Peyton, not this year. His 50th TD throw to tie Brady's record? If his last name weren't Manning I can assure you that wouldn't be a TD. I don't care that they reviewed it. The play stood, wasn't like it was confirmed folks. I'll say my piece on the comparison between these 2 great QBs for another day, but for now I'm stating it-what the coaching staff and players in Foxboro just did this season is nothing short of amazing. Let Welker walk, Hernandez done forever, Gronkowski for less than half the year, a bunch of rookies playing WR, Wilfork done early, Mayo done slightly later, ho hum another division championship and a 1st round bye. Denver sports radio thinks no one can come into Denver and win in the playoffs. Ahem, it's snowing right now. And Baltimore did it last year. Hell, San Diego did it 3 weeks ago, and it was nice out. And who scares me more than anyone? Cincinnati. If Good Andy Dalton shows up, watch out.
My Person of the Year
So many candidates for so many reasons. Riley Cooper, Jesse Jackson, Richie Incognito, Jonathan Martin, George Zimmerman, the Men's Warehouse George Zimmerman, insert politician here, Jennifer Lawrence, Joan Rivers, Jimmy Haslam, Lady GaGa, Kanye West, Alec Baldwin, Jon Stewart, Chris Rock, my brother..but the winner?
Alex Rodriguez!! I know, I know, you're wondering how I can have a New York Yankee as my person of the year. It's really quite simple for me. He's bringing down the whole thing. Or at least he's trying. And I respect the notion of "if I'm going down, I'm bringing everyone with me!" How could I not? If you know me, you know I'm not an A-Roid fan. But I disagreed with the 211 game suspension. Why? Because nowhere in the MLB collective bargaining agreement is there a line item of a 211 game suspension. And because outgoing commissioner Bud Selig is a weasel. He bought stolen documents to implicate A-Roid. Selig couldn't get Bonds, couldn't get Clemens, so his next 'Moby Dick' is this guy. I know, Ryan Braun took a 65 game suspension, and that isn't in the bargaining agreement, either. Ryan Braun also plays for the Milwaukee Brewers, the team this commissioner used to own. You can connect your own dots from there. So, A-Roid decides to release emails, texts, pay for people to picket outside of his arbitration hearing, name former teammates, storm out of an arbitration meeting telling us that 'this is preposterous!', and then later on he'll name names...and then sues MLB. This soap opera is only going to get better.
My 2013
So many things to be thankful for, so many things to reflect on, so many things still to do, and so damn thankful that I still have the opportunity to do them.
First and foremost, I am so thankful to have the friends that I have. I have put some friendships out to pasture, but that's because they were no longer healthy and brought no good to my life. If you can only bring a negative jello mold to my party, don't come! Secondly, my job. Third, my health-both physical and mental. Fourth, material bologna. And last, some real fine opportunities.
My job
In March I got a new job. I had 4 interviews-1 over the phone and 3 in person. It's a small company. It's 40 years old. And I get to build the new brand, and the new business line. This is awesome. Well, awesome came with a catch. And that catch has turned from annoyance, to burden, to patience, and now to opportunity. I will not bore you with what I do, at least not on this blog. I will only state for the record that this is a fantastic business opportunity, a potentially awesome career chance, and an opportunity for me to build something. I've learned so much since I took this role, and am really 'enjoying the space' in my brain. This comes from money. I know, that sounds so shallow. But when I took this role on, I was given a raise from my previous job. The jobs were totally different, and money like other things, is relative. This is not bragging, but my income went from 'X' to 'X times 1.67'. Yeah, that's a big deal. And for me, the guy who has been looking, begging, pleading and screaming for the dare to be great situation, I got it.
My mind gets to be free from worrying about how I'll make ends meet. I get to go out with my friends and not have to watch the pennies. I can, for lack of saying it better, be irresponsible. When you hear people say "It's only money" it's because they have it. I am by no means rich. If some of you found out what I make you'd gasp in horror. But for me, it's a comfy new zone. There gets to be cheese on my Whopper, steak with the beans & rice. It's different, in a great way. I no longer struggle financially. Which lets my mind be free from that worry. And now, work gets to fill that 'worry space'.
I could complain about my job, like everyone. I get it, it's our national past time. My employer does some screwy things. They all do. But my boss has my back. And he has faith in me. It's refreshing and almost scary. He likes that I have an edge (his words, not mine). I like that he's 2 years younger but 20 years more mature than me. He's been married forever and has 2 kids. Nothing really gets to him. And it's not that he's aloof, he's extremely bright. I wish I had that kind of calmness about me. But, as you'll soon read, I got other things going on.
So yeah, my job? Pretty sweet. And if I do well, it'll only get even better.
My Health
The physical part-here goes. Back in December of 2012 I went to a health screening offered by my employer. Stepped on a scale, drew some blood, got my cholesterol and blood pressure read. 267 lbs. My cholesterol? Borderline. My blood pressure? Borderline. I was 37 years old and staring at the potential of being put on heart medications. Ugh. My pants were beyond tight around the waist. And the stress of everything allows for my excuse to eat horribly. It's my vicious cycle.
So last January I went out and bought a scale. Put the batteries in the digital scale, placed scale on the bathroom floor and stripped. Buck nekkid. In my bathroom. Stepped on the scale. 261.4 lbs. This is where I make the joke of how I almost qualified for the Olympic Discus Team. In reality, I screamed, "Oh Fuck YOU!", turned to the left and caught myself, nekkid mind you, in my bathroom mirror. This, I cannot explain any better, was sobering. I thought to myself, 'well, I wouldn't fuck you'. How horrible to say to yourself. That you wouldn't fuck you? So what, slapping the dolphin was off the table? Well, what do you do to change? Eat better! So there's a start
Then, I started my new job 2 months later. And realized that I will be in front of people, a lot. And that fat me was in no position to tell anyone anything. I wouldn't look at me and think I'm smart. I'd look at me and think I'm a load. Healthy looking sales people sell stuff. Fat sales people get to be inside sales people. Yeah, my brain works that way. So I was doing okay, eating better, but I couldn't get over a hump.
That hump was the 250 lbs mark. I still believe that the world does work in mysterious ways. In this case, it was a friend and former co-worker who called me. (Don't worry, I am NOT about to pitch supplements with this). He sounded far more excited than usual-which is scary-he's one of those happy to be alive kinda people. And he's genuine. Asked me to come to this thing. So I went. A ton of skinny folks walking around this thing. A lot of energetic folks around this thing. Something is up. So I stayed. Heard some amazing stories. Heard a sales pitch (and sorry, but as a salesguy you better be listening for any tips and tricks you can steal), heard some more stories. Got scared at the price tag. Left the meeting. And the next said, "I'm in". Took their challenge and 24 days later-233 lbs. Are you fucking kidding me? My pants are loose. My friends say they can see it in my face. But more than that....
The mental-I feel better about me. I'm way more confident. I feel, dare I say it, kind of attractive? Look, I used to be able to get away with being the angry, bald, aggravated, husky/stocky, blunt guy with the gift of gab. Those of you that have known me long enough know that beneath all that bluster is a person with mad heart. Not really willing to show that person when I could be made fun of for my weight. Yes, ladies, I'm proof that a guy can have body issues just the same as you. I haven't hit my first goal yet (225 lbs.) but a week after Thanksgiving I was at 228! Well, I got a cold. And it was Christmas. And I like fudge. Stepped on the scale this morning, 233. Some may scoff. Some may think that's not a big deal. To them, I will mock and chuckle at. 13 months ago I was 267 lbs, now I'm at 233. That's more than 10%, think about that. I smile at that, because that is success. So now in 2014, we crank it up a notch (which in my case for exercise makes it go from 0.5 all the way to 1.0), I expect to hit my goal in a few weeks.
The Material Bologna
Again, people that say "it's only money" have it. Try being the person that doesn't have it, then you'll understand why if the person without hears the person with, there's a stabbing. So, under that umbrella of me thinking I have some money, I spent some money! I bought new suits (before the weight loss, so I swim in them until I take them to a tailor-kinda funny) that were a necessity for the job-hello tax write off! I bought some new shoes. I got to pay for Ma Dukes to come out for a week and visit, and introduce her to my bestest of friends-all in my attempt to get her to move out here. I got some prints framed. I went out on dates! That I could pay for! But these next two, yeah, I'm braggin'. I got me a chair. A comfy as all get out La-Z-Boy. As in leather, rocker recliner. Spent too much, and I don't give a damn. It's nice, and it's all mine. Now, the other crazy awesome thing I got was a new car. I only got the car because I needed a car as mine died. And even Nissan didn't know what the hell was wrong with it. So I decided to spoil myself. I thought that if this job goes well and since I'm single, screw it. I went out and got something that is quick off the line and has more bells and whistles than I know what to do with. Oh, and how I ever lived without leather seats and a butt warmer is beyond me. Maybe that means I'll appreciate it more? It kinda does.
Opportunities
I have them. Which is more than I could say a year ago. Certain doors have been opened. I feel like a better person. I'm able to spoil my nieces and nephews. I can actually give to charity. I can save money. Burdens are lifted. And I made a solemn vow, to myself and to anyone that would listen. I will help anyone that I can. I didn't do any of this on my own, I had many helping hands along the way. This is why I think I'm blessed and will always try to pay it forward. I don't need to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, I've had a hard enough time in my own. All I need is 2 seconds to look into someone's eyes, and I'll figure it out (for the most part). You ask someone if you can help them, and their world just got better. I promise you.
Here it is.
So one of the perks of my job is that I'm currently working with a presentation coach. She walked me thru an exercise a couple of weeks ago that had me on the verge of tears. Wasn't anything that she said. It was the process. "What are the 5-10 monst interesting things you have done or that have happened to you?" If you took the time to think that thru, I think you'd be amazed at what you've accomplished and overcome. I'm convinced that there is nothing stronger than the human spirit. In going thru this, I answered:
1. Moved to Colorado on my own
2. Gotten on stage for open mic nights
3. Survived Trauma
4. Saw the Berlin Wall
5. Named captain of multiple teams (this too has carried over to my career of being a leader)
6. Put myself thru college
This little announcement comes out of number 3. No, it's not my torn ACL back in my senior year of high school. Although that may explain some of my anger and aggression to 'leave it on the floor'. I didn't get to finish my athletic career with my friends. Relax, no Uncle Rico moments in this blog or my life, I just wish I could've played one more year with those guys at that time-we had fun-and that's all. Just wish I could've hung around with those guys one last time. Besides, a torn ACL is probably more common than an appendicitis. That can be surgically repaired, fixed, made stronger. What I'm about to tell you cannot be recovered from. Only survived.
I was molested as a child. By a family member. There, it's out there now. No, it was not my Mom, Dad or baby Brother. You will never find out from who. I would never tell the police. Before I decided to hit 'publish' on this blog, there were only 4 people that knew. The monster that did this, me, my Pops before he passed (or at least I am pretty sure he figured it out) and Ma Dukes. My brother doesn't know this. My best friend doesn't know this. This is one of those things that could tear a family apart. It's the fucked up thing that some families will NEVER speak about, lest it skew what people might say. Well, if you know me, you know I don't really give a damn about what others think. And I hate when that thought creeps into my head. I am a survivor of something awful. I pushed this thing into my deepest darkest recess of my mind for 20+ years and a few years ago it popped out.
And I thought those same things that I thought about after it happened. Why me? What did I do? Did I do something wrong? And puzzle pieces started to get put together, and then a full memory. I will never, ever, ever, ever wish what was done to me on another being. This is probably the main reason I can get angry at the drop of a dime. Because I was young. Because I was helpless. Because I couldn't even scream the word 'STOP'. And because they got away with it. You want to watch me get mad-tell me the story of a child that was abducted and had sexual things happen to them. This is why I read The Punisher comic books. Why I like Batman. These are normal folks with the ability to wipe out scum. I know I have anger issues, but I also know one of the biggest reasons. I should probably get licensed help. But I'm working thru things my own way. I will get that help.
For now, step one for me is owning it. Telling this to my friends that read this-yes, this happened. I will not discuss it out in the open, because it's mine. Typing it is way easier than saying it. How do I know? It came up during Ma Dukes visit in July. She thought she knew, but never had the courage to ask. She was afraid of the truth. And I don't blame her one bit. One of the things you've heard me say is 'be careful what you ask, you may get the answer'. Now you know why. As soon as it was said there were a ton of tears and way too many apologies. What's done is done. Now we (her and me) move forward.
The trigger to me deciding to put this out there is two-fold. First, the bullying case in the NFL brought a ton of things to the surface, and I realized why I do some of the things that I do. This is not an excuse, more of an explanation. It's one of the reasons I had a quick comeback for everything and my walls are up. If I am not vulnerable then you can't hurt me. Yes, my brain works this way. And the second thing was a Tedtalk that I watched ("If you really knew me"). It was inspiring, it was sad, it was so many things. In the end, it was necessary. I say that because I have nothing to lose by admitting this. I did nothing wrong. I was a kid. I was smaller and less strong than the person that did this. If you think less of me, that's on you. If you think, "oh, that explains it", you're allowed. But please, don't think more of me. It's taken years, but I finally think a ton of me. I hold my head proud. I made it out alive. I say that to myself every morning. I'm here, aren't I? And that person? That person didn't beat me, didn't kill my spirit. I'm working on forgiving, I'll never forget.
For 2014, I wish my friends, family and other readers that I don't know: happiness, health, joy, the ability to forgive and the pursuit of awesome. Go get 'em. I'll see you out there while I'm doing the same.
It is something far more sinister. If you want to skip some links and thoughts on other things in the world, or even the big recap of my 2013, I won't be offended. I've teased this news in other blogs, but I'm finally ready to let the it out. This isn't after some form of therapy. This is after much soul searching and quite frankly, a ton of crying. But, the fluffy stuff comes first, then the real deal at the bottom.
Some links...
Ah The Affordable Care Act....and no one can afford it. Robbing young folks that don't want services for old folks that don't need 'em. Yeah, I'll go there. Why does a 55 year old woman need maternity services? Bottom line for me? Why rob Trevor to pay Miriam? Better yet, why are some hospitals excluded? There are still more questions than answers, and my thought is that this was never really about healthcare being affordable to everyone. It's about government control. Democrat or Republican, that's a bad idea. And it's because the government has never done anything well except tax folks and go to war. If you think I'm nuts, ask yourself this-why was a website that is supposed to be the gateway for all Americans to gain access to healthcare unusable? Why was this website built by a company based in Canada? Ask these questions, too. And then I'm throwing my political spin on it-if you think cronyism is in the Republican party (it totally is), wouldn't the same be true when you find out that the website never went out for bid and was given to the Presidents wife's BFF? I'm asking. And begging you to connect the dots.
Sports
Uh, the Red Sox won the World Series. Take that in your pipe, Yankees fans, and smoke it. So much more on one of my least favorite teams, but for now I'm going to enjoy watching them sign paychecks for some old ballplayers. And in turn, welcome Jackie Bradley Jr. as the new stathead man crush. Watch this guy play much better defense than his predecessor. And as always with Scott Boras' clients, it's about the money.
The Celtics are competitive? So, trade away 2 sure-fire 1st ballot hall of famers, and you're more entertaining to watch? And there's an All-Star point guard on the mend that could come back in the next month or so? I'm intrigued. And surprised. And happy-new head coach Brad Stevens is one that embraces analytics. So if there's data that says you shoot 18% from the left elbow, guess what? No more shooting from there for you!! (Oh, and the Knicks and Nets are train wrecks-good times!)
The Bruins are in 1st. But, uh, as of today, the last 2 games are not good. And they are very banged up along their backline. Is there anyone to call up for reinforcements? Or is it time to make a deal? I have no idea. I know this-the B's aren't the team built to win 6-4 games. That shit may fly in Pittsburgh, but in Boston we play defense and have timely scoring. Get healthy and slightly better on the power play, and it's go time again!
The Patriots. I live in Denver and let me put it out there-Peyton Manning is a fucking joke. There, I said it. I don't ever want to hear anyone try to tell me Tom Brady broke the record and that's all he was going for. Not after what I've seen the last few weeks. 6 man fronts and check to a run? Oh, not Peyton, not this year. His 50th TD throw to tie Brady's record? If his last name weren't Manning I can assure you that wouldn't be a TD. I don't care that they reviewed it. The play stood, wasn't like it was confirmed folks. I'll say my piece on the comparison between these 2 great QBs for another day, but for now I'm stating it-what the coaching staff and players in Foxboro just did this season is nothing short of amazing. Let Welker walk, Hernandez done forever, Gronkowski for less than half the year, a bunch of rookies playing WR, Wilfork done early, Mayo done slightly later, ho hum another division championship and a 1st round bye. Denver sports radio thinks no one can come into Denver and win in the playoffs. Ahem, it's snowing right now. And Baltimore did it last year. Hell, San Diego did it 3 weeks ago, and it was nice out. And who scares me more than anyone? Cincinnati. If Good Andy Dalton shows up, watch out.
My Person of the Year
So many candidates for so many reasons. Riley Cooper, Jesse Jackson, Richie Incognito, Jonathan Martin, George Zimmerman, the Men's Warehouse George Zimmerman, insert politician here, Jennifer Lawrence, Joan Rivers, Jimmy Haslam, Lady GaGa, Kanye West, Alec Baldwin, Jon Stewart, Chris Rock, my brother..but the winner?
Alex Rodriguez!! I know, I know, you're wondering how I can have a New York Yankee as my person of the year. It's really quite simple for me. He's bringing down the whole thing. Or at least he's trying. And I respect the notion of "if I'm going down, I'm bringing everyone with me!" How could I not? If you know me, you know I'm not an A-Roid fan. But I disagreed with the 211 game suspension. Why? Because nowhere in the MLB collective bargaining agreement is there a line item of a 211 game suspension. And because outgoing commissioner Bud Selig is a weasel. He bought stolen documents to implicate A-Roid. Selig couldn't get Bonds, couldn't get Clemens, so his next 'Moby Dick' is this guy. I know, Ryan Braun took a 65 game suspension, and that isn't in the bargaining agreement, either. Ryan Braun also plays for the Milwaukee Brewers, the team this commissioner used to own. You can connect your own dots from there. So, A-Roid decides to release emails, texts, pay for people to picket outside of his arbitration hearing, name former teammates, storm out of an arbitration meeting telling us that 'this is preposterous!', and then later on he'll name names...and then sues MLB. This soap opera is only going to get better.
My 2013
So many things to be thankful for, so many things to reflect on, so many things still to do, and so damn thankful that I still have the opportunity to do them.
First and foremost, I am so thankful to have the friends that I have. I have put some friendships out to pasture, but that's because they were no longer healthy and brought no good to my life. If you can only bring a negative jello mold to my party, don't come! Secondly, my job. Third, my health-both physical and mental. Fourth, material bologna. And last, some real fine opportunities.
My job
In March I got a new job. I had 4 interviews-1 over the phone and 3 in person. It's a small company. It's 40 years old. And I get to build the new brand, and the new business line. This is awesome. Well, awesome came with a catch. And that catch has turned from annoyance, to burden, to patience, and now to opportunity. I will not bore you with what I do, at least not on this blog. I will only state for the record that this is a fantastic business opportunity, a potentially awesome career chance, and an opportunity for me to build something. I've learned so much since I took this role, and am really 'enjoying the space' in my brain. This comes from money. I know, that sounds so shallow. But when I took this role on, I was given a raise from my previous job. The jobs were totally different, and money like other things, is relative. This is not bragging, but my income went from 'X' to 'X times 1.67'. Yeah, that's a big deal. And for me, the guy who has been looking, begging, pleading and screaming for the dare to be great situation, I got it.
My mind gets to be free from worrying about how I'll make ends meet. I get to go out with my friends and not have to watch the pennies. I can, for lack of saying it better, be irresponsible. When you hear people say "It's only money" it's because they have it. I am by no means rich. If some of you found out what I make you'd gasp in horror. But for me, it's a comfy new zone. There gets to be cheese on my Whopper, steak with the beans & rice. It's different, in a great way. I no longer struggle financially. Which lets my mind be free from that worry. And now, work gets to fill that 'worry space'.
I could complain about my job, like everyone. I get it, it's our national past time. My employer does some screwy things. They all do. But my boss has my back. And he has faith in me. It's refreshing and almost scary. He likes that I have an edge (his words, not mine). I like that he's 2 years younger but 20 years more mature than me. He's been married forever and has 2 kids. Nothing really gets to him. And it's not that he's aloof, he's extremely bright. I wish I had that kind of calmness about me. But, as you'll soon read, I got other things going on.
So yeah, my job? Pretty sweet. And if I do well, it'll only get even better.
My Health
The physical part-here goes. Back in December of 2012 I went to a health screening offered by my employer. Stepped on a scale, drew some blood, got my cholesterol and blood pressure read. 267 lbs. My cholesterol? Borderline. My blood pressure? Borderline. I was 37 years old and staring at the potential of being put on heart medications. Ugh. My pants were beyond tight around the waist. And the stress of everything allows for my excuse to eat horribly. It's my vicious cycle.
So last January I went out and bought a scale. Put the batteries in the digital scale, placed scale on the bathroom floor and stripped. Buck nekkid. In my bathroom. Stepped on the scale. 261.4 lbs. This is where I make the joke of how I almost qualified for the Olympic Discus Team. In reality, I screamed, "Oh Fuck YOU!", turned to the left and caught myself, nekkid mind you, in my bathroom mirror. This, I cannot explain any better, was sobering. I thought to myself, 'well, I wouldn't fuck you'. How horrible to say to yourself. That you wouldn't fuck you? So what, slapping the dolphin was off the table? Well, what do you do to change? Eat better! So there's a start
Then, I started my new job 2 months later. And realized that I will be in front of people, a lot. And that fat me was in no position to tell anyone anything. I wouldn't look at me and think I'm smart. I'd look at me and think I'm a load. Healthy looking sales people sell stuff. Fat sales people get to be inside sales people. Yeah, my brain works that way. So I was doing okay, eating better, but I couldn't get over a hump.
That hump was the 250 lbs mark. I still believe that the world does work in mysterious ways. In this case, it was a friend and former co-worker who called me. (Don't worry, I am NOT about to pitch supplements with this). He sounded far more excited than usual-which is scary-he's one of those happy to be alive kinda people. And he's genuine. Asked me to come to this thing. So I went. A ton of skinny folks walking around this thing. A lot of energetic folks around this thing. Something is up. So I stayed. Heard some amazing stories. Heard a sales pitch (and sorry, but as a salesguy you better be listening for any tips and tricks you can steal), heard some more stories. Got scared at the price tag. Left the meeting. And the next said, "I'm in". Took their challenge and 24 days later-233 lbs. Are you fucking kidding me? My pants are loose. My friends say they can see it in my face. But more than that....
The mental-I feel better about me. I'm way more confident. I feel, dare I say it, kind of attractive? Look, I used to be able to get away with being the angry, bald, aggravated, husky/stocky, blunt guy with the gift of gab. Those of you that have known me long enough know that beneath all that bluster is a person with mad heart. Not really willing to show that person when I could be made fun of for my weight. Yes, ladies, I'm proof that a guy can have body issues just the same as you. I haven't hit my first goal yet (225 lbs.) but a week after Thanksgiving I was at 228! Well, I got a cold. And it was Christmas. And I like fudge. Stepped on the scale this morning, 233. Some may scoff. Some may think that's not a big deal. To them, I will mock and chuckle at. 13 months ago I was 267 lbs, now I'm at 233. That's more than 10%, think about that. I smile at that, because that is success. So now in 2014, we crank it up a notch (which in my case for exercise makes it go from 0.5 all the way to 1.0), I expect to hit my goal in a few weeks.
The Material Bologna
Again, people that say "it's only money" have it. Try being the person that doesn't have it, then you'll understand why if the person without hears the person with, there's a stabbing. So, under that umbrella of me thinking I have some money, I spent some money! I bought new suits (before the weight loss, so I swim in them until I take them to a tailor-kinda funny) that were a necessity for the job-hello tax write off! I bought some new shoes. I got to pay for Ma Dukes to come out for a week and visit, and introduce her to my bestest of friends-all in my attempt to get her to move out here. I got some prints framed. I went out on dates! That I could pay for! But these next two, yeah, I'm braggin'. I got me a chair. A comfy as all get out La-Z-Boy. As in leather, rocker recliner. Spent too much, and I don't give a damn. It's nice, and it's all mine. Now, the other crazy awesome thing I got was a new car. I only got the car because I needed a car as mine died. And even Nissan didn't know what the hell was wrong with it. So I decided to spoil myself. I thought that if this job goes well and since I'm single, screw it. I went out and got something that is quick off the line and has more bells and whistles than I know what to do with. Oh, and how I ever lived without leather seats and a butt warmer is beyond me. Maybe that means I'll appreciate it more? It kinda does.
Opportunities
I have them. Which is more than I could say a year ago. Certain doors have been opened. I feel like a better person. I'm able to spoil my nieces and nephews. I can actually give to charity. I can save money. Burdens are lifted. And I made a solemn vow, to myself and to anyone that would listen. I will help anyone that I can. I didn't do any of this on my own, I had many helping hands along the way. This is why I think I'm blessed and will always try to pay it forward. I don't need to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, I've had a hard enough time in my own. All I need is 2 seconds to look into someone's eyes, and I'll figure it out (for the most part). You ask someone if you can help them, and their world just got better. I promise you.
Here it is.
So one of the perks of my job is that I'm currently working with a presentation coach. She walked me thru an exercise a couple of weeks ago that had me on the verge of tears. Wasn't anything that she said. It was the process. "What are the 5-10 monst interesting things you have done or that have happened to you?" If you took the time to think that thru, I think you'd be amazed at what you've accomplished and overcome. I'm convinced that there is nothing stronger than the human spirit. In going thru this, I answered:
1. Moved to Colorado on my own
2. Gotten on stage for open mic nights
3. Survived Trauma
4. Saw the Berlin Wall
5. Named captain of multiple teams (this too has carried over to my career of being a leader)
6. Put myself thru college
This little announcement comes out of number 3. No, it's not my torn ACL back in my senior year of high school. Although that may explain some of my anger and aggression to 'leave it on the floor'. I didn't get to finish my athletic career with my friends. Relax, no Uncle Rico moments in this blog or my life, I just wish I could've played one more year with those guys at that time-we had fun-and that's all. Just wish I could've hung around with those guys one last time. Besides, a torn ACL is probably more common than an appendicitis. That can be surgically repaired, fixed, made stronger. What I'm about to tell you cannot be recovered from. Only survived.
I was molested as a child. By a family member. There, it's out there now. No, it was not my Mom, Dad or baby Brother. You will never find out from who. I would never tell the police. Before I decided to hit 'publish' on this blog, there were only 4 people that knew. The monster that did this, me, my Pops before he passed (or at least I am pretty sure he figured it out) and Ma Dukes. My brother doesn't know this. My best friend doesn't know this. This is one of those things that could tear a family apart. It's the fucked up thing that some families will NEVER speak about, lest it skew what people might say. Well, if you know me, you know I don't really give a damn about what others think. And I hate when that thought creeps into my head. I am a survivor of something awful. I pushed this thing into my deepest darkest recess of my mind for 20+ years and a few years ago it popped out.
And I thought those same things that I thought about after it happened. Why me? What did I do? Did I do something wrong? And puzzle pieces started to get put together, and then a full memory. I will never, ever, ever, ever wish what was done to me on another being. This is probably the main reason I can get angry at the drop of a dime. Because I was young. Because I was helpless. Because I couldn't even scream the word 'STOP'. And because they got away with it. You want to watch me get mad-tell me the story of a child that was abducted and had sexual things happen to them. This is why I read The Punisher comic books. Why I like Batman. These are normal folks with the ability to wipe out scum. I know I have anger issues, but I also know one of the biggest reasons. I should probably get licensed help. But I'm working thru things my own way. I will get that help.
For now, step one for me is owning it. Telling this to my friends that read this-yes, this happened. I will not discuss it out in the open, because it's mine. Typing it is way easier than saying it. How do I know? It came up during Ma Dukes visit in July. She thought she knew, but never had the courage to ask. She was afraid of the truth. And I don't blame her one bit. One of the things you've heard me say is 'be careful what you ask, you may get the answer'. Now you know why. As soon as it was said there were a ton of tears and way too many apologies. What's done is done. Now we (her and me) move forward.
The trigger to me deciding to put this out there is two-fold. First, the bullying case in the NFL brought a ton of things to the surface, and I realized why I do some of the things that I do. This is not an excuse, more of an explanation. It's one of the reasons I had a quick comeback for everything and my walls are up. If I am not vulnerable then you can't hurt me. Yes, my brain works this way. And the second thing was a Tedtalk that I watched ("If you really knew me"). It was inspiring, it was sad, it was so many things. In the end, it was necessary. I say that because I have nothing to lose by admitting this. I did nothing wrong. I was a kid. I was smaller and less strong than the person that did this. If you think less of me, that's on you. If you think, "oh, that explains it", you're allowed. But please, don't think more of me. It's taken years, but I finally think a ton of me. I hold my head proud. I made it out alive. I say that to myself every morning. I'm here, aren't I? And that person? That person didn't beat me, didn't kill my spirit. I'm working on forgiving, I'll never forget.
For 2014, I wish my friends, family and other readers that I don't know: happiness, health, joy, the ability to forgive and the pursuit of awesome. Go get 'em. I'll see you out there while I'm doing the same.
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