So yesterday I took Kansas City (sigh) and New Orleans.
Today? I'm going Cincinnati and San Francisco. I'll know in the 1st series on each for offense if I made the right calls. In other words, you should go against my picks and pay your mortgage.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy 2014. And thanks for 2013..
I had promised last year to write more, even more from the heart. I said I wanted to do open mic nights. Even had so many good things happen in 2013 that it has dawned on me that I stopped writing. I stopped laughing for a little while. And one night I woke up in a sweat. Not from the flu. Not from having too many blankets. Not from forgetting to put the A/C on.
It is something far more sinister. If you want to skip some links and thoughts on other things in the world, or even the big recap of my 2013, I won't be offended. I've teased this news in other blogs, but I'm finally ready to let the it out. This isn't after some form of therapy. This is after much soul searching and quite frankly, a ton of crying. But, the fluffy stuff comes first, then the real deal at the bottom.
Some links...
Ah The Affordable Care Act....and no one can afford it. Robbing young folks that don't want services for old folks that don't need 'em. Yeah, I'll go there. Why does a 55 year old woman need maternity services? Bottom line for me? Why rob Trevor to pay Miriam? Better yet, why are some hospitals excluded? There are still more questions than answers, and my thought is that this was never really about healthcare being affordable to everyone. It's about government control. Democrat or Republican, that's a bad idea. And it's because the government has never done anything well except tax folks and go to war. If you think I'm nuts, ask yourself this-why was a website that is supposed to be the gateway for all Americans to gain access to healthcare unusable? Why was this website built by a company based in Canada? Ask these questions, too. And then I'm throwing my political spin on it-if you think cronyism is in the Republican party (it totally is), wouldn't the same be true when you find out that the website never went out for bid and was given to the Presidents wife's BFF? I'm asking. And begging you to connect the dots.
Sports
Uh, the Red Sox won the World Series. Take that in your pipe, Yankees fans, and smoke it. So much more on one of my least favorite teams, but for now I'm going to enjoy watching them sign paychecks for some old ballplayers. And in turn, welcome Jackie Bradley Jr. as the new stathead man crush. Watch this guy play much better defense than his predecessor. And as always with Scott Boras' clients, it's about the money.
The Celtics are competitive? So, trade away 2 sure-fire 1st ballot hall of famers, and you're more entertaining to watch? And there's an All-Star point guard on the mend that could come back in the next month or so? I'm intrigued. And surprised. And happy-new head coach Brad Stevens is one that embraces analytics. So if there's data that says you shoot 18% from the left elbow, guess what? No more shooting from there for you!! (Oh, and the Knicks and Nets are train wrecks-good times!)
The Bruins are in 1st. But, uh, as of today, the last 2 games are not good. And they are very banged up along their backline. Is there anyone to call up for reinforcements? Or is it time to make a deal? I have no idea. I know this-the B's aren't the team built to win 6-4 games. That shit may fly in Pittsburgh, but in Boston we play defense and have timely scoring. Get healthy and slightly better on the power play, and it's go time again!
The Patriots. I live in Denver and let me put it out there-Peyton Manning is a fucking joke. There, I said it. I don't ever want to hear anyone try to tell me Tom Brady broke the record and that's all he was going for. Not after what I've seen the last few weeks. 6 man fronts and check to a run? Oh, not Peyton, not this year. His 50th TD throw to tie Brady's record? If his last name weren't Manning I can assure you that wouldn't be a TD. I don't care that they reviewed it. The play stood, wasn't like it was confirmed folks. I'll say my piece on the comparison between these 2 great QBs for another day, but for now I'm stating it-what the coaching staff and players in Foxboro just did this season is nothing short of amazing. Let Welker walk, Hernandez done forever, Gronkowski for less than half the year, a bunch of rookies playing WR, Wilfork done early, Mayo done slightly later, ho hum another division championship and a 1st round bye. Denver sports radio thinks no one can come into Denver and win in the playoffs. Ahem, it's snowing right now. And Baltimore did it last year. Hell, San Diego did it 3 weeks ago, and it was nice out. And who scares me more than anyone? Cincinnati. If Good Andy Dalton shows up, watch out.
My Person of the Year
So many candidates for so many reasons. Riley Cooper, Jesse Jackson, Richie Incognito, Jonathan Martin, George Zimmerman, the Men's Warehouse George Zimmerman, insert politician here, Jennifer Lawrence, Joan Rivers, Jimmy Haslam, Lady GaGa, Kanye West, Alec Baldwin, Jon Stewart, Chris Rock, my brother..but the winner?
Alex Rodriguez!! I know, I know, you're wondering how I can have a New York Yankee as my person of the year. It's really quite simple for me. He's bringing down the whole thing. Or at least he's trying. And I respect the notion of "if I'm going down, I'm bringing everyone with me!" How could I not? If you know me, you know I'm not an A-Roid fan. But I disagreed with the 211 game suspension. Why? Because nowhere in the MLB collective bargaining agreement is there a line item of a 211 game suspension. And because outgoing commissioner Bud Selig is a weasel. He bought stolen documents to implicate A-Roid. Selig couldn't get Bonds, couldn't get Clemens, so his next 'Moby Dick' is this guy. I know, Ryan Braun took a 65 game suspension, and that isn't in the bargaining agreement, either. Ryan Braun also plays for the Milwaukee Brewers, the team this commissioner used to own. You can connect your own dots from there. So, A-Roid decides to release emails, texts, pay for people to picket outside of his arbitration hearing, name former teammates, storm out of an arbitration meeting telling us that 'this is preposterous!', and then later on he'll name names...and then sues MLB. This soap opera is only going to get better.
My 2013
So many things to be thankful for, so many things to reflect on, so many things still to do, and so damn thankful that I still have the opportunity to do them.
First and foremost, I am so thankful to have the friends that I have. I have put some friendships out to pasture, but that's because they were no longer healthy and brought no good to my life. If you can only bring a negative jello mold to my party, don't come! Secondly, my job. Third, my health-both physical and mental. Fourth, material bologna. And last, some real fine opportunities.
My job
In March I got a new job. I had 4 interviews-1 over the phone and 3 in person. It's a small company. It's 40 years old. And I get to build the new brand, and the new business line. This is awesome. Well, awesome came with a catch. And that catch has turned from annoyance, to burden, to patience, and now to opportunity. I will not bore you with what I do, at least not on this blog. I will only state for the record that this is a fantastic business opportunity, a potentially awesome career chance, and an opportunity for me to build something. I've learned so much since I took this role, and am really 'enjoying the space' in my brain. This comes from money. I know, that sounds so shallow. But when I took this role on, I was given a raise from my previous job. The jobs were totally different, and money like other things, is relative. This is not bragging, but my income went from 'X' to 'X times 1.67'. Yeah, that's a big deal. And for me, the guy who has been looking, begging, pleading and screaming for the dare to be great situation, I got it.
My mind gets to be free from worrying about how I'll make ends meet. I get to go out with my friends and not have to watch the pennies. I can, for lack of saying it better, be irresponsible. When you hear people say "It's only money" it's because they have it. I am by no means rich. If some of you found out what I make you'd gasp in horror. But for me, it's a comfy new zone. There gets to be cheese on my Whopper, steak with the beans & rice. It's different, in a great way. I no longer struggle financially. Which lets my mind be free from that worry. And now, work gets to fill that 'worry space'.
I could complain about my job, like everyone. I get it, it's our national past time. My employer does some screwy things. They all do. But my boss has my back. And he has faith in me. It's refreshing and almost scary. He likes that I have an edge (his words, not mine). I like that he's 2 years younger but 20 years more mature than me. He's been married forever and has 2 kids. Nothing really gets to him. And it's not that he's aloof, he's extremely bright. I wish I had that kind of calmness about me. But, as you'll soon read, I got other things going on.
So yeah, my job? Pretty sweet. And if I do well, it'll only get even better.
My Health
The physical part-here goes. Back in December of 2012 I went to a health screening offered by my employer. Stepped on a scale, drew some blood, got my cholesterol and blood pressure read. 267 lbs. My cholesterol? Borderline. My blood pressure? Borderline. I was 37 years old and staring at the potential of being put on heart medications. Ugh. My pants were beyond tight around the waist. And the stress of everything allows for my excuse to eat horribly. It's my vicious cycle.
So last January I went out and bought a scale. Put the batteries in the digital scale, placed scale on the bathroom floor and stripped. Buck nekkid. In my bathroom. Stepped on the scale. 261.4 lbs. This is where I make the joke of how I almost qualified for the Olympic Discus Team. In reality, I screamed, "Oh Fuck YOU!", turned to the left and caught myself, nekkid mind you, in my bathroom mirror. This, I cannot explain any better, was sobering. I thought to myself, 'well, I wouldn't fuck you'. How horrible to say to yourself. That you wouldn't fuck you? So what, slapping the dolphin was off the table? Well, what do you do to change? Eat better! So there's a start
Then, I started my new job 2 months later. And realized that I will be in front of people, a lot. And that fat me was in no position to tell anyone anything. I wouldn't look at me and think I'm smart. I'd look at me and think I'm a load. Healthy looking sales people sell stuff. Fat sales people get to be inside sales people. Yeah, my brain works that way. So I was doing okay, eating better, but I couldn't get over a hump.
That hump was the 250 lbs mark. I still believe that the world does work in mysterious ways. In this case, it was a friend and former co-worker who called me. (Don't worry, I am NOT about to pitch supplements with this). He sounded far more excited than usual-which is scary-he's one of those happy to be alive kinda people. And he's genuine. Asked me to come to this thing. So I went. A ton of skinny folks walking around this thing. A lot of energetic folks around this thing. Something is up. So I stayed. Heard some amazing stories. Heard a sales pitch (and sorry, but as a salesguy you better be listening for any tips and tricks you can steal), heard some more stories. Got scared at the price tag. Left the meeting. And the next said, "I'm in". Took their challenge and 24 days later-233 lbs. Are you fucking kidding me? My pants are loose. My friends say they can see it in my face. But more than that....
The mental-I feel better about me. I'm way more confident. I feel, dare I say it, kind of attractive? Look, I used to be able to get away with being the angry, bald, aggravated, husky/stocky, blunt guy with the gift of gab. Those of you that have known me long enough know that beneath all that bluster is a person with mad heart. Not really willing to show that person when I could be made fun of for my weight. Yes, ladies, I'm proof that a guy can have body issues just the same as you. I haven't hit my first goal yet (225 lbs.) but a week after Thanksgiving I was at 228! Well, I got a cold. And it was Christmas. And I like fudge. Stepped on the scale this morning, 233. Some may scoff. Some may think that's not a big deal. To them, I will mock and chuckle at. 13 months ago I was 267 lbs, now I'm at 233. That's more than 10%, think about that. I smile at that, because that is success. So now in 2014, we crank it up a notch (which in my case for exercise makes it go from 0.5 all the way to 1.0), I expect to hit my goal in a few weeks.
The Material Bologna
Again, people that say "it's only money" have it. Try being the person that doesn't have it, then you'll understand why if the person without hears the person with, there's a stabbing. So, under that umbrella of me thinking I have some money, I spent some money! I bought new suits (before the weight loss, so I swim in them until I take them to a tailor-kinda funny) that were a necessity for the job-hello tax write off! I bought some new shoes. I got to pay for Ma Dukes to come out for a week and visit, and introduce her to my bestest of friends-all in my attempt to get her to move out here. I got some prints framed. I went out on dates! That I could pay for! But these next two, yeah, I'm braggin'. I got me a chair. A comfy as all get out La-Z-Boy. As in leather, rocker recliner. Spent too much, and I don't give a damn. It's nice, and it's all mine. Now, the other crazy awesome thing I got was a new car. I only got the car because I needed a car as mine died. And even Nissan didn't know what the hell was wrong with it. So I decided to spoil myself. I thought that if this job goes well and since I'm single, screw it. I went out and got something that is quick off the line and has more bells and whistles than I know what to do with. Oh, and how I ever lived without leather seats and a butt warmer is beyond me. Maybe that means I'll appreciate it more? It kinda does.
Opportunities
I have them. Which is more than I could say a year ago. Certain doors have been opened. I feel like a better person. I'm able to spoil my nieces and nephews. I can actually give to charity. I can save money. Burdens are lifted. And I made a solemn vow, to myself and to anyone that would listen. I will help anyone that I can. I didn't do any of this on my own, I had many helping hands along the way. This is why I think I'm blessed and will always try to pay it forward. I don't need to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, I've had a hard enough time in my own. All I need is 2 seconds to look into someone's eyes, and I'll figure it out (for the most part). You ask someone if you can help them, and their world just got better. I promise you.
Here it is.
So one of the perks of my job is that I'm currently working with a presentation coach. She walked me thru an exercise a couple of weeks ago that had me on the verge of tears. Wasn't anything that she said. It was the process. "What are the 5-10 monst interesting things you have done or that have happened to you?" If you took the time to think that thru, I think you'd be amazed at what you've accomplished and overcome. I'm convinced that there is nothing stronger than the human spirit. In going thru this, I answered:
1. Moved to Colorado on my own
2. Gotten on stage for open mic nights
3. Survived Trauma
4. Saw the Berlin Wall
5. Named captain of multiple teams (this too has carried over to my career of being a leader)
6. Put myself thru college
This little announcement comes out of number 3. No, it's not my torn ACL back in my senior year of high school. Although that may explain some of my anger and aggression to 'leave it on the floor'. I didn't get to finish my athletic career with my friends. Relax, no Uncle Rico moments in this blog or my life, I just wish I could've played one more year with those guys at that time-we had fun-and that's all. Just wish I could've hung around with those guys one last time. Besides, a torn ACL is probably more common than an appendicitis. That can be surgically repaired, fixed, made stronger. What I'm about to tell you cannot be recovered from. Only survived.
I was molested as a child. By a family member. There, it's out there now. No, it was not my Mom, Dad or baby Brother. You will never find out from who. I would never tell the police. Before I decided to hit 'publish' on this blog, there were only 4 people that knew. The monster that did this, me, my Pops before he passed (or at least I am pretty sure he figured it out) and Ma Dukes. My brother doesn't know this. My best friend doesn't know this. This is one of those things that could tear a family apart. It's the fucked up thing that some families will NEVER speak about, lest it skew what people might say. Well, if you know me, you know I don't really give a damn about what others think. And I hate when that thought creeps into my head. I am a survivor of something awful. I pushed this thing into my deepest darkest recess of my mind for 20+ years and a few years ago it popped out.
And I thought those same things that I thought about after it happened. Why me? What did I do? Did I do something wrong? And puzzle pieces started to get put together, and then a full memory. I will never, ever, ever, ever wish what was done to me on another being. This is probably the main reason I can get angry at the drop of a dime. Because I was young. Because I was helpless. Because I couldn't even scream the word 'STOP'. And because they got away with it. You want to watch me get mad-tell me the story of a child that was abducted and had sexual things happen to them. This is why I read The Punisher comic books. Why I like Batman. These are normal folks with the ability to wipe out scum. I know I have anger issues, but I also know one of the biggest reasons. I should probably get licensed help. But I'm working thru things my own way. I will get that help.
For now, step one for me is owning it. Telling this to my friends that read this-yes, this happened. I will not discuss it out in the open, because it's mine. Typing it is way easier than saying it. How do I know? It came up during Ma Dukes visit in July. She thought she knew, but never had the courage to ask. She was afraid of the truth. And I don't blame her one bit. One of the things you've heard me say is 'be careful what you ask, you may get the answer'. Now you know why. As soon as it was said there were a ton of tears and way too many apologies. What's done is done. Now we (her and me) move forward.
The trigger to me deciding to put this out there is two-fold. First, the bullying case in the NFL brought a ton of things to the surface, and I realized why I do some of the things that I do. This is not an excuse, more of an explanation. It's one of the reasons I had a quick comeback for everything and my walls are up. If I am not vulnerable then you can't hurt me. Yes, my brain works this way. And the second thing was a Tedtalk that I watched ("If you really knew me"). It was inspiring, it was sad, it was so many things. In the end, it was necessary. I say that because I have nothing to lose by admitting this. I did nothing wrong. I was a kid. I was smaller and less strong than the person that did this. If you think less of me, that's on you. If you think, "oh, that explains it", you're allowed. But please, don't think more of me. It's taken years, but I finally think a ton of me. I hold my head proud. I made it out alive. I say that to myself every morning. I'm here, aren't I? And that person? That person didn't beat me, didn't kill my spirit. I'm working on forgiving, I'll never forget.
For 2014, I wish my friends, family and other readers that I don't know: happiness, health, joy, the ability to forgive and the pursuit of awesome. Go get 'em. I'll see you out there while I'm doing the same.
It is something far more sinister. If you want to skip some links and thoughts on other things in the world, or even the big recap of my 2013, I won't be offended. I've teased this news in other blogs, but I'm finally ready to let the it out. This isn't after some form of therapy. This is after much soul searching and quite frankly, a ton of crying. But, the fluffy stuff comes first, then the real deal at the bottom.
Some links...
Ah The Affordable Care Act....and no one can afford it. Robbing young folks that don't want services for old folks that don't need 'em. Yeah, I'll go there. Why does a 55 year old woman need maternity services? Bottom line for me? Why rob Trevor to pay Miriam? Better yet, why are some hospitals excluded? There are still more questions than answers, and my thought is that this was never really about healthcare being affordable to everyone. It's about government control. Democrat or Republican, that's a bad idea. And it's because the government has never done anything well except tax folks and go to war. If you think I'm nuts, ask yourself this-why was a website that is supposed to be the gateway for all Americans to gain access to healthcare unusable? Why was this website built by a company based in Canada? Ask these questions, too. And then I'm throwing my political spin on it-if you think cronyism is in the Republican party (it totally is), wouldn't the same be true when you find out that the website never went out for bid and was given to the Presidents wife's BFF? I'm asking. And begging you to connect the dots.
Sports
Uh, the Red Sox won the World Series. Take that in your pipe, Yankees fans, and smoke it. So much more on one of my least favorite teams, but for now I'm going to enjoy watching them sign paychecks for some old ballplayers. And in turn, welcome Jackie Bradley Jr. as the new stathead man crush. Watch this guy play much better defense than his predecessor. And as always with Scott Boras' clients, it's about the money.
The Celtics are competitive? So, trade away 2 sure-fire 1st ballot hall of famers, and you're more entertaining to watch? And there's an All-Star point guard on the mend that could come back in the next month or so? I'm intrigued. And surprised. And happy-new head coach Brad Stevens is one that embraces analytics. So if there's data that says you shoot 18% from the left elbow, guess what? No more shooting from there for you!! (Oh, and the Knicks and Nets are train wrecks-good times!)
The Bruins are in 1st. But, uh, as of today, the last 2 games are not good. And they are very banged up along their backline. Is there anyone to call up for reinforcements? Or is it time to make a deal? I have no idea. I know this-the B's aren't the team built to win 6-4 games. That shit may fly in Pittsburgh, but in Boston we play defense and have timely scoring. Get healthy and slightly better on the power play, and it's go time again!
The Patriots. I live in Denver and let me put it out there-Peyton Manning is a fucking joke. There, I said it. I don't ever want to hear anyone try to tell me Tom Brady broke the record and that's all he was going for. Not after what I've seen the last few weeks. 6 man fronts and check to a run? Oh, not Peyton, not this year. His 50th TD throw to tie Brady's record? If his last name weren't Manning I can assure you that wouldn't be a TD. I don't care that they reviewed it. The play stood, wasn't like it was confirmed folks. I'll say my piece on the comparison between these 2 great QBs for another day, but for now I'm stating it-what the coaching staff and players in Foxboro just did this season is nothing short of amazing. Let Welker walk, Hernandez done forever, Gronkowski for less than half the year, a bunch of rookies playing WR, Wilfork done early, Mayo done slightly later, ho hum another division championship and a 1st round bye. Denver sports radio thinks no one can come into Denver and win in the playoffs. Ahem, it's snowing right now. And Baltimore did it last year. Hell, San Diego did it 3 weeks ago, and it was nice out. And who scares me more than anyone? Cincinnati. If Good Andy Dalton shows up, watch out.
My Person of the Year
So many candidates for so many reasons. Riley Cooper, Jesse Jackson, Richie Incognito, Jonathan Martin, George Zimmerman, the Men's Warehouse George Zimmerman, insert politician here, Jennifer Lawrence, Joan Rivers, Jimmy Haslam, Lady GaGa, Kanye West, Alec Baldwin, Jon Stewart, Chris Rock, my brother..but the winner?
Alex Rodriguez!! I know, I know, you're wondering how I can have a New York Yankee as my person of the year. It's really quite simple for me. He's bringing down the whole thing. Or at least he's trying. And I respect the notion of "if I'm going down, I'm bringing everyone with me!" How could I not? If you know me, you know I'm not an A-Roid fan. But I disagreed with the 211 game suspension. Why? Because nowhere in the MLB collective bargaining agreement is there a line item of a 211 game suspension. And because outgoing commissioner Bud Selig is a weasel. He bought stolen documents to implicate A-Roid. Selig couldn't get Bonds, couldn't get Clemens, so his next 'Moby Dick' is this guy. I know, Ryan Braun took a 65 game suspension, and that isn't in the bargaining agreement, either. Ryan Braun also plays for the Milwaukee Brewers, the team this commissioner used to own. You can connect your own dots from there. So, A-Roid decides to release emails, texts, pay for people to picket outside of his arbitration hearing, name former teammates, storm out of an arbitration meeting telling us that 'this is preposterous!', and then later on he'll name names...and then sues MLB. This soap opera is only going to get better.
My 2013
So many things to be thankful for, so many things to reflect on, so many things still to do, and so damn thankful that I still have the opportunity to do them.
First and foremost, I am so thankful to have the friends that I have. I have put some friendships out to pasture, but that's because they were no longer healthy and brought no good to my life. If you can only bring a negative jello mold to my party, don't come! Secondly, my job. Third, my health-both physical and mental. Fourth, material bologna. And last, some real fine opportunities.
My job
In March I got a new job. I had 4 interviews-1 over the phone and 3 in person. It's a small company. It's 40 years old. And I get to build the new brand, and the new business line. This is awesome. Well, awesome came with a catch. And that catch has turned from annoyance, to burden, to patience, and now to opportunity. I will not bore you with what I do, at least not on this blog. I will only state for the record that this is a fantastic business opportunity, a potentially awesome career chance, and an opportunity for me to build something. I've learned so much since I took this role, and am really 'enjoying the space' in my brain. This comes from money. I know, that sounds so shallow. But when I took this role on, I was given a raise from my previous job. The jobs were totally different, and money like other things, is relative. This is not bragging, but my income went from 'X' to 'X times 1.67'. Yeah, that's a big deal. And for me, the guy who has been looking, begging, pleading and screaming for the dare to be great situation, I got it.
My mind gets to be free from worrying about how I'll make ends meet. I get to go out with my friends and not have to watch the pennies. I can, for lack of saying it better, be irresponsible. When you hear people say "It's only money" it's because they have it. I am by no means rich. If some of you found out what I make you'd gasp in horror. But for me, it's a comfy new zone. There gets to be cheese on my Whopper, steak with the beans & rice. It's different, in a great way. I no longer struggle financially. Which lets my mind be free from that worry. And now, work gets to fill that 'worry space'.
I could complain about my job, like everyone. I get it, it's our national past time. My employer does some screwy things. They all do. But my boss has my back. And he has faith in me. It's refreshing and almost scary. He likes that I have an edge (his words, not mine). I like that he's 2 years younger but 20 years more mature than me. He's been married forever and has 2 kids. Nothing really gets to him. And it's not that he's aloof, he's extremely bright. I wish I had that kind of calmness about me. But, as you'll soon read, I got other things going on.
So yeah, my job? Pretty sweet. And if I do well, it'll only get even better.
My Health
The physical part-here goes. Back in December of 2012 I went to a health screening offered by my employer. Stepped on a scale, drew some blood, got my cholesterol and blood pressure read. 267 lbs. My cholesterol? Borderline. My blood pressure? Borderline. I was 37 years old and staring at the potential of being put on heart medications. Ugh. My pants were beyond tight around the waist. And the stress of everything allows for my excuse to eat horribly. It's my vicious cycle.
So last January I went out and bought a scale. Put the batteries in the digital scale, placed scale on the bathroom floor and stripped. Buck nekkid. In my bathroom. Stepped on the scale. 261.4 lbs. This is where I make the joke of how I almost qualified for the Olympic Discus Team. In reality, I screamed, "Oh Fuck YOU!", turned to the left and caught myself, nekkid mind you, in my bathroom mirror. This, I cannot explain any better, was sobering. I thought to myself, 'well, I wouldn't fuck you'. How horrible to say to yourself. That you wouldn't fuck you? So what, slapping the dolphin was off the table? Well, what do you do to change? Eat better! So there's a start
Then, I started my new job 2 months later. And realized that I will be in front of people, a lot. And that fat me was in no position to tell anyone anything. I wouldn't look at me and think I'm smart. I'd look at me and think I'm a load. Healthy looking sales people sell stuff. Fat sales people get to be inside sales people. Yeah, my brain works that way. So I was doing okay, eating better, but I couldn't get over a hump.
That hump was the 250 lbs mark. I still believe that the world does work in mysterious ways. In this case, it was a friend and former co-worker who called me. (Don't worry, I am NOT about to pitch supplements with this). He sounded far more excited than usual-which is scary-he's one of those happy to be alive kinda people. And he's genuine. Asked me to come to this thing. So I went. A ton of skinny folks walking around this thing. A lot of energetic folks around this thing. Something is up. So I stayed. Heard some amazing stories. Heard a sales pitch (and sorry, but as a salesguy you better be listening for any tips and tricks you can steal), heard some more stories. Got scared at the price tag. Left the meeting. And the next said, "I'm in". Took their challenge and 24 days later-233 lbs. Are you fucking kidding me? My pants are loose. My friends say they can see it in my face. But more than that....
The mental-I feel better about me. I'm way more confident. I feel, dare I say it, kind of attractive? Look, I used to be able to get away with being the angry, bald, aggravated, husky/stocky, blunt guy with the gift of gab. Those of you that have known me long enough know that beneath all that bluster is a person with mad heart. Not really willing to show that person when I could be made fun of for my weight. Yes, ladies, I'm proof that a guy can have body issues just the same as you. I haven't hit my first goal yet (225 lbs.) but a week after Thanksgiving I was at 228! Well, I got a cold. And it was Christmas. And I like fudge. Stepped on the scale this morning, 233. Some may scoff. Some may think that's not a big deal. To them, I will mock and chuckle at. 13 months ago I was 267 lbs, now I'm at 233. That's more than 10%, think about that. I smile at that, because that is success. So now in 2014, we crank it up a notch (which in my case for exercise makes it go from 0.5 all the way to 1.0), I expect to hit my goal in a few weeks.
The Material Bologna
Again, people that say "it's only money" have it. Try being the person that doesn't have it, then you'll understand why if the person without hears the person with, there's a stabbing. So, under that umbrella of me thinking I have some money, I spent some money! I bought new suits (before the weight loss, so I swim in them until I take them to a tailor-kinda funny) that were a necessity for the job-hello tax write off! I bought some new shoes. I got to pay for Ma Dukes to come out for a week and visit, and introduce her to my bestest of friends-all in my attempt to get her to move out here. I got some prints framed. I went out on dates! That I could pay for! But these next two, yeah, I'm braggin'. I got me a chair. A comfy as all get out La-Z-Boy. As in leather, rocker recliner. Spent too much, and I don't give a damn. It's nice, and it's all mine. Now, the other crazy awesome thing I got was a new car. I only got the car because I needed a car as mine died. And even Nissan didn't know what the hell was wrong with it. So I decided to spoil myself. I thought that if this job goes well and since I'm single, screw it. I went out and got something that is quick off the line and has more bells and whistles than I know what to do with. Oh, and how I ever lived without leather seats and a butt warmer is beyond me. Maybe that means I'll appreciate it more? It kinda does.
Opportunities
I have them. Which is more than I could say a year ago. Certain doors have been opened. I feel like a better person. I'm able to spoil my nieces and nephews. I can actually give to charity. I can save money. Burdens are lifted. And I made a solemn vow, to myself and to anyone that would listen. I will help anyone that I can. I didn't do any of this on my own, I had many helping hands along the way. This is why I think I'm blessed and will always try to pay it forward. I don't need to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, I've had a hard enough time in my own. All I need is 2 seconds to look into someone's eyes, and I'll figure it out (for the most part). You ask someone if you can help them, and their world just got better. I promise you.
Here it is.
So one of the perks of my job is that I'm currently working with a presentation coach. She walked me thru an exercise a couple of weeks ago that had me on the verge of tears. Wasn't anything that she said. It was the process. "What are the 5-10 monst interesting things you have done or that have happened to you?" If you took the time to think that thru, I think you'd be amazed at what you've accomplished and overcome. I'm convinced that there is nothing stronger than the human spirit. In going thru this, I answered:
1. Moved to Colorado on my own
2. Gotten on stage for open mic nights
3. Survived Trauma
4. Saw the Berlin Wall
5. Named captain of multiple teams (this too has carried over to my career of being a leader)
6. Put myself thru college
This little announcement comes out of number 3. No, it's not my torn ACL back in my senior year of high school. Although that may explain some of my anger and aggression to 'leave it on the floor'. I didn't get to finish my athletic career with my friends. Relax, no Uncle Rico moments in this blog or my life, I just wish I could've played one more year with those guys at that time-we had fun-and that's all. Just wish I could've hung around with those guys one last time. Besides, a torn ACL is probably more common than an appendicitis. That can be surgically repaired, fixed, made stronger. What I'm about to tell you cannot be recovered from. Only survived.
I was molested as a child. By a family member. There, it's out there now. No, it was not my Mom, Dad or baby Brother. You will never find out from who. I would never tell the police. Before I decided to hit 'publish' on this blog, there were only 4 people that knew. The monster that did this, me, my Pops before he passed (or at least I am pretty sure he figured it out) and Ma Dukes. My brother doesn't know this. My best friend doesn't know this. This is one of those things that could tear a family apart. It's the fucked up thing that some families will NEVER speak about, lest it skew what people might say. Well, if you know me, you know I don't really give a damn about what others think. And I hate when that thought creeps into my head. I am a survivor of something awful. I pushed this thing into my deepest darkest recess of my mind for 20+ years and a few years ago it popped out.
And I thought those same things that I thought about after it happened. Why me? What did I do? Did I do something wrong? And puzzle pieces started to get put together, and then a full memory. I will never, ever, ever, ever wish what was done to me on another being. This is probably the main reason I can get angry at the drop of a dime. Because I was young. Because I was helpless. Because I couldn't even scream the word 'STOP'. And because they got away with it. You want to watch me get mad-tell me the story of a child that was abducted and had sexual things happen to them. This is why I read The Punisher comic books. Why I like Batman. These are normal folks with the ability to wipe out scum. I know I have anger issues, but I also know one of the biggest reasons. I should probably get licensed help. But I'm working thru things my own way. I will get that help.
For now, step one for me is owning it. Telling this to my friends that read this-yes, this happened. I will not discuss it out in the open, because it's mine. Typing it is way easier than saying it. How do I know? It came up during Ma Dukes visit in July. She thought she knew, but never had the courage to ask. She was afraid of the truth. And I don't blame her one bit. One of the things you've heard me say is 'be careful what you ask, you may get the answer'. Now you know why. As soon as it was said there were a ton of tears and way too many apologies. What's done is done. Now we (her and me) move forward.
The trigger to me deciding to put this out there is two-fold. First, the bullying case in the NFL brought a ton of things to the surface, and I realized why I do some of the things that I do. This is not an excuse, more of an explanation. It's one of the reasons I had a quick comeback for everything and my walls are up. If I am not vulnerable then you can't hurt me. Yes, my brain works this way. And the second thing was a Tedtalk that I watched ("If you really knew me"). It was inspiring, it was sad, it was so many things. In the end, it was necessary. I say that because I have nothing to lose by admitting this. I did nothing wrong. I was a kid. I was smaller and less strong than the person that did this. If you think less of me, that's on you. If you think, "oh, that explains it", you're allowed. But please, don't think more of me. It's taken years, but I finally think a ton of me. I hold my head proud. I made it out alive. I say that to myself every morning. I'm here, aren't I? And that person? That person didn't beat me, didn't kill my spirit. I'm working on forgiving, I'll never forget.
For 2014, I wish my friends, family and other readers that I don't know: happiness, health, joy, the ability to forgive and the pursuit of awesome. Go get 'em. I'll see you out there while I'm doing the same.
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