I'm gettin' old

Maybe it's not old, as I've always considered myself a bit of an old soul, but HDN has pulled some stuff in the last 24 hours that has made me shake my head, kind of like my folks used to do to me (I'm sure of it) and I know they did with my brother.

I spent yesterday helping dig fence post holes. Relax, it was with an auger. Still difficult work, and we can add that to the list of jobs I respect but don't want. I got to have BBQ for lunch, and may have found a new favorite spot. Stuff was so good it didn't even need sauce. That right there is a very good sign for some fine 'Q. However, lunch on an empty stomach and then going back to using a tool that can jar most of your body, well, I've made smarter decisions. It's exhausting work. So when all was said and done I was exhausted, and headed home.

I pulled into my driveway and see HDN, or what I though was HDN, and the Stank Dog. Something was vastly different about HDN. He was in blackface. Read that again. Blackface, with a white wig. And a cigar hanging out of his mouth and a dookie chain. I have said it before and will reiterate it here-I honesty keep thinking I cannot be shocked-I stand corrected. I could only muster (cue the sarcasm!) 'Gee, that's only slightly racist'. He told me I lack a sense of humor. I can tell you I honestly wished a group of young African American men would have rolled into my cul de sac and beat the blackface off of him. HDN's excuses were retarded, and are as follows-
"Ted Danson did it for a roast"
"If I were Orange people would think I'm a Broncos fan"
"I was going to be blue but thought someone might send me to Vegas."

No, I'm not kidding. Those were his reasoning. They all fail, epically. I got into the house and sat down. You know that giant sigh you let out when you're exhausted and just want to be left to collect your thoughts and relax? Yup, mine lasted for 4 seconds.

"Can you give me a ride? Are you coming to the party?"

Really, you saw me walk in all slow and tired, heard the giant exhale and now I need to help you? Oh, the guilt was palpable. He's just such a selfish ass. He had his truck repo'd so the rest of us can pick up the slack? He said he needed a quick ride on Friday to a title company, next thing you know I'm driving halfway around north Denver to a title company, a bank run and then dropping him off at a bar. Now I get to drive him to a Halloween party as he's dressed in blackface looking like an entrant in the 'Biggest Bigot in the Land' contest. Then the 2nd part of this-was I going to the party? How did I have time to get showered and dressed? I guess I look at it like this-when you are putting people out, you go on their schedule, not on yours. Or am I wrong? So instead of listening to the guilt, I just got out of my chair and drove him, but didn't go to the party. I wanted quiet and I wanted to be home alone.

And then this morning came, and I just got another lesson in how old I am in the head. Now, you must know that HDN is much older than I. But age in this case is not a chronological thing. I'm just way more mature. He just did something I don't agree with. He got a ride home from an old girlfriend of his, one that still holds a flame for him, like 4 years after they ended their relationship. He thinks she's old. Hilarious. But he plays her. I have no issue with anyone having a one night fling, I could care less. But I know this lady's history, how much she loves and is in love with HDN, how last November when HDN was laid up due to a drunken stupid ATV accident she kept running over food to this house for him. She wants nothing more than to be 'Mrs. HDN', you can just tell. And he played her, and feels no remorse.

Maybe this just hits too close to home, with my history. My history long ago, not my recent history. Christ, the last thing I need is to try and clear up any misconceptions that someone may or may not see. I hate to see anyone taken advantage of. I know, this is a grown up and she may have made some grown woman decisions. I guess I'm saying that because I know this woman, she gave it up hoping that HDN would change. But if she were to ask me, I'd tell her 'sorry, not going to happen, not now, not ever'. And she'd be crushed. I hate seeing people get hurt by people they care about. Kind of a raw deal. And I hate seeing HDN take advantage of people all the time and only saying sorry so that it quiets people.

Point blank, the moment I get a job I'm outta here. I hate living here, and I'm really starting to despise living with this user.

This wasn't a rant, just some notes on the last few hours. I'm as stunned as anyone else. My sexual history is mine, and yours is yours. I guess I'd rather be in a monogamous deal that is built on honesty, respect and trust. Not one that means I fooled someone into thinking they had an honest shot, like my roommate just pulled. I sure do hope that when karma comes back to kick him in the ass I am in nowhere in the vicinity.

Happy Sunday!

Week 8 Fantasy picks

I'll be brief...

Denver @ San Francisco: Brandon Lloyd (WR), Denver-SF can't cover.

Jacksonville @ Dallas: Felix Jones (RB), Dallas-The Cowboys better start relying on the running game, or else they could be looking at their 3rd QB.

Miami @ Cincinnati: Brandon Marshall (WR), Miami-Roddy White had 200 yds receiving last week, and Bengals CB Jonathan Joseph is out again today. The Beast is licking his chops.

Buffalo @ Kansas City: Matt Cassel (QB), Kansas City-Because Buffalo is just not good.

Washington @ Detroit: Anthony Armstrong (WR), Washington-He gets behind the secondary once, for a long TD

Carolina @ St. Louis: Steve Smith (WR), Carolina-Welcome back, The Original!!

Green Bay @ NY Jets: Dustin Keller (TE), Jets-Green Bay doesn't cover the TE all that well.

Tennessee @ San Diego: Patrick Crayton (WR), San Diego-QB Philip Rivers has to throw it to someone, doesn't he?

Minnesota @ New England: Tom Brady (QB), New England-I think he shows Randy Moss exactly what 'The Freak' is missing, a QB that can hit him long.

Tampa Bay @ Arizona: Kellen Winslow (TE), Tampa Bay-'Zona has given up almost as many TDs to TEs that they have to WRs. And I need him to score. There, I admitted it.

Seattle @ Oakland: Matt Hasselbeck (QB), Seattle-I just don't see Oakland really playing inspired after putting up 59 out here in Denver last week.

Pittsburgh @ New Orleans: Lance Moore (WR), New Orleans-He plays the slot and QB Drew Brees will find him in all the hot reads from the zone blitzing the Steelers bring.

Houston @ Indianapolis: Jacob Tamme (TE), Indianapolis-Dallas Clark's replacement. And he will probably be the #1 pickup on the waiver wire come Tuesday.

15

15-that is the number of months I've been out of work. What a long strange, aggravating trip this has been so far. Biggest lesson I've learned is that some who say they want to help honestly attempt to, and others are full of shit...hey, it's just like real life. Here are my stats:

671-the number of jobs I've applied for, interviewed for and/or followed up on. Total. Yup, that's the real truth right there.

I had 3 interviews this week, for 2 different companies, and I'm exhausted talking about myself, my career and the choices I've made. I wouldn't change a one of them. Especially not since the end of 2006.

So what's left to do? Funny I should bring it up-I was asked a question in my interview yesterday that I wasn't ready for. The question was 'what 3 goals, be it personal or private, would I like to see myself accomplish in the next 5 years?'...not that I haven't thought about a million things I'd like to do, but even I was shocked at what came out of my mouth. Here they are:
1. Start and finish my book, I'm calling it 'Alright, Now What?' about how to survive in the concrete BS jungle we all call life. Get over it, I'm not bitter about anything, it's just that I have the strong backing of two very good friends who believe I can do this, and I've been thinking about this for a long time. So long, in fact, that I bought my first HP laptop like 9 years ago to do this, and then chickened out. No more.
2. Pay off my debt. It's not that substantial, but it is annoying. I'd like to pay off my car, my student loan and any credit card debt I may have accrued. I hate bills.
3. Whatever I choose to do as my career path takes me (or I take it), that I am recognized as a go-to type person and someone others can lean on. Yes, I'm passionate in my blog postings and probably most of the stuff you might talk to me about, but that's who I am.

If I were to add a 4th, it's this-no more apologizing for how I feel. I've told others not to apologize for how they feel, and now I'm telling myself the same stuff. I may hurt feelings, I may come across as a stubborn ass, please realize most of it is not done on purpose to hurt or maim anyone. It's just my way. And I happen to like myself, whether you do or not. I've been told on more than one occasion that others wish they could be as open and honest as I am. Note that a lot of times that that level of honesty has cost me dearly, both personal and professional. Again, I wouldn't change it. Mostly because I can't. I can only apologize if a)I think I've done something wrong, and b)if I did it to cause harm. Unintended consequences are just that, unintended. If you think I've hurt you, whomever you are, in any way, shape or form, call me out on it. If you present something to me where I think 'oh snap, I messed up', then I will let you know. No, this isn't the 10th step of AA, nor anything like that, it's more of a re-dedication to myself. I've allowed certain things and people to have a far greater impact than I should have. That onus is on me and me alone. I'm not going out and trying to be a bigger asshole than I normally am. I can only tell you that if you want to see my true honest self, ask my friends how I treat them and their children and friends. You might be shockingly surprised. In closing, I won't feel obligated to do anything for anyone. I will help you if you ask, I may even offer without you asking. But I know what the word 'No' means and I intend to use it to its fullest capacity if I feel I'm about to get hurt. Yup, the walls go up. Why? They have to, it's in my best interest and in turn you'll get the best out of my writing.

I write this thing for so many reasons it's hard to list. Who wouldn't want to get paid to share their thoughts? Who wouldn't want to be Oprah-rich? All I really want out of my life is to laugh, smarten people up, my bills paid and a hot meal on my table. I don't ask for much, but I do know what all of that entails.

Now, buckle up...

Week 8 picks

Last Week: 6-8 (I forgot to do the Buffalo/Baltimore game, so it’s in the ‘L’ column)

Season: 47-57

Why am I bothering….hell, it’s kinda fun. I’ll be brief, as I suck at this and no one really seems to care.

Denver @ San Francisco (-1 ½): If Denver doesn’t win Josh McDaniels will have to swim back across the Atlantic and then hop a cab in Boston and pray Bill Belichick will pay the freight. San Francisco will be starting Troy Smith at QB. I know Denver can’t stop the run, but I think Kyle Orton shows the folks in London what Mile High football is all about. Denver.

Jacksonville @ Dallas (-6 ½): Jacksonville sucks. Dallas sucks, too. But the Cowboys are home, and I don’t care if Tony Romo is out with a busted collarbone or not, I just don’t see Dallas letting the Jags walk into JerryWorld and laying down. But I don’t see Dallas covering, either. Jacksonville.

Washington @ Detroit (-3): Washington didn’t deserve to win last week and Detroit finally has their opening day Trio healthy. Yup, I’m going Motown again. Detroit.

Green Bay @ New York Jets (-6): Green Bay can thank Favre and his merry men for the gifts they received last Sunday night, that’s the only way they won. The Jets come off a bye week and now have everyone healthy. I don’t even want to start Aaron Rodgers on 1 of my fantasy football teams. Jets.

Carolina @ St. Louis (-3): Quick, other than the player’s wives and moms, who the heck is watching this game? Carolina, yuck. St. Louis has shown promise and is home. St. Louis.

Miami @ Cincinnati (-1 ½): I have no idea where this line comes from. I must be missing something with Cincinnati again. I have no faith in that team. Miami can ball with anyone and got robbed last weekend (yeah, I said it), at home no less. Now they get to go on the road where they are 3-0. Miami.

Buffalo @ Kansas City (-7 ½): This line seems too low. KC can win against almost anyone. Buffalo is oh so close but yet so far. I think Buffalo will have a couple of tricks for this game. Doesn’t mean they win, but I don’t see them doing what they did in Baltimore last week, either. Kansas City.

Tennessee @ San Diego (-3 ½): Again, I’m missing something. Yes, San Diego plays well and can move the ball. They have a history of destroying Tennessee. But they find very interesting ways to lose games at home. And once again, the game will be blacked out locally. When you’re looking for an edge, sometimes it comes down to coaching. I trust Jeff Fisher. I wouldn’t trust Norv Turner with my late night drunken order at Taco Bell. Tennessee.

Tampa Bay @ Arizona (-3): Arizona beat New Orleans at home a couple of weeks ago. That can be the only reason they are favored again. Arizona is a mirage team, much like Chicago and Cincinnati. Tampa Bay doesn’t score many points but they are winning close games. Where are your Buccaneers? Under your Buckin’ hat (sorry, an old joke between Pops and I)! Tampa Bay.

Seattle @ Oakland (-2 ½): Yup, chalk this one up to my confusion. Yes, Oakland just came to Denver and rolled the Broncos. Oakland can run, but Seattle is very good against the run. Oakland has a TE that can catch and that’s about it. Hmmm. Can’t seem to figure out what I’m missing. Seattle.

Minnesota @ New England (-5 ½): Thank you football gods. Rarely and I do mean rarely do you see a line so enticing. The cynic will ask why so low? Is it because we don't know who the QB will be for the Vikings? Puh-lease. If my head is screwed on straight, New England coach Bill Belichick could be licking his chops at twisting the fork that is sticking out of Brett Favre's back. Who placed it there can be up for debate some other time. I'm a homer, we all know this. New England, according to some, got lucky in beating San Diego. Sure, you keep believing that. And I will ask you if this team reminds you of another team you've seen in the last 10 years. I'll add to it that special teams won't win or lose this game. Brett Fav-ruh is going to lose this game for Minnesota. He is no longer the ol' gunslinger, he's just old. Not in real years, but in football years. If you watched the game last Sunday night at Lambeau, you know I'm right. New England can stop the run and play enough zone that #4 will throw picks. And since the Minnesota D cannot stop a slant route, it will be Tom Brady throwing 6-8 yard completions all day, and then Fav-ruh will press. Brett, it's been a nice run, but for your own health, it's time to make an exit plan...for Vikings fans, oh what could've been. New England.

Pittsburgh @ New Orleans (-1 ½): Clearly the gods have looked down on me and smirked. I can’t come up with any other explanation. Pittsburgh hasn’t had any real bumps along the way so far this year. No, the suspension of Roethlisberger doesn’t count, you know that crap was going to happen way before the season started. I’d say New Orleans is snakebitten, but then I realize that this game is in N’awlins on Halloween. Freaky Voodoo stuff is going to happen. New Orleans.

Houston @ Indianapolis (-6): Indianapolis will be looking for revenge after the week 1 pasting they got in Houston. Houston will welcome back LT Duane Brown after a 4 game suspension. The Colts will be without stud TE Dallas Clark and WR Austin Collie. That’s 57% of the Colts passing offense, boys and girls. I know the rule isn’t to go against Peyton Manning on a nationally televised game, but the odds are stacking up in Houston’s favor. Now, the Texans did just lose their MLB for the season last week and can be run on, but Indy doesn’t run. Houston (I’m taking the points, relax).

The Dumbest thing I've heard today...so far

Just got back from an interview and my front door is unlocked. Not really a problem, since HDN has no vehicle of his own....except he wasn't home.

He just walked in the door and I asked him, no sarcasm, to please make sure to lock the door before he heads out. The main reason I say this? My shit is on the first floor-TV, laptop, printer, external monitor, my desk, just about all the important stuff I deal with on a day to day basis.

His response?

"Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't the last one out of the house, I'll make sure to check that next time."

Are you freaking kidding me???!!!! Whose responsibility is it then? I'm dying to know. If you live with someone and you leave before they do, and they leave with a friend that came over to pick them up, who locks the door? Does the friend? I don't think so.

I hate HDN. I hope this company I interviewed with a few hours ago calls me and offers me a job, I don't care if the base is shit. Spoken like a true freaking liberal, nothing can be his fault, nor can he be accountable. And that fat fuck wonders why his business is in the crapper and he has to grow 'plants' in the basement. Jagoff.

end rant.

Just ride the wave and shut yer mouf

That title up above is a phrase that me and some of my buddies have been saying to each other for a long time. It's exactly as it sounds. Don't question certain things, just ride them out. Oh, and I have to add, you better laugh out loud while it's going on, whatever 'it' is.

In this case, it's my job search. Here's an update, and you can now picture me shaking my head...

Project Manager-this would be for a health care provider in Denver. They have all sorts of customized software that needs to be updated and they have no idea where to start. I had the initial interview this morning. It went well, they'll be in touch.

Sales Exec-so after sitting down with a buddy for some breakfast after my interview, I get a bagel and then the text messages start flowing from a friend and from someone regarding my blog postings. And then the phone rings, and it's a company that wants to talk to me tomorrow about selling their managed network services (for those that are bored by that-it means outsourced IT fun).

Project Coordinator-a 2 month contract that would have paid sick went with an internal person.

Data PR Manager-I should have a phone interview for a real estate web company. I would be working with a buddy of mine from college, and I think I'd get to stay in Denver. If not, I would have to pack up for the Bay Area. Hilarious.

Add to it like 4 other roles friends have fired off to me telling me I'd be a great fit for the role. However funny or unfunny it may be, I know for a fact 2 of those people want me to tell their boss to go piss up a flagpole.

But not as funny as this last one. I just got off the phone with a contact of mine who put me in for a Customer Tech Support person at their company, I'll get a phone interview tomorrow. It's in Natick, MA. You have got to be kidding me.....

Add this to the list...

When I have to come up with a list of the dumbest things that have been said to me during my job search, this will be a very big candidate, and will probably be top 10 with the potential for top 5. Now before I tell you what was said to me yesterday, I'm going to paint you a little bit of context-This is from someone who is a huge VP for a major financial institution. By huge, I mean if I told you the name of the company, you'd know exactly who they are, what they do and what color the company logo is. This guy has also had an argumentative tone with me ever since I won his fantasy football league (and I have no idea why, I finally won the damn thing after being in the finals 4 years in a row), and I'm not saying that to brag. There was a financial component to this league, and he screwed the numbers up. I never came out and said he screwed up, I asked him to run thru the numbers with me because I had something different and wanted to see where my discrepancy was. Yes, I was willing to admit I had screwed up, if I did. This guy went ballistic, so bad that his wife called me and apologized, and then made him call me and apologize. Let's just say that in this case, I've been polite, but he has been-ahem-terse with me ever since. Ah, such is life.
So there is your back story, hopefully it makes sense. Here's the gem, the line that made me look at my phone and seriously wonder what planet this guy lives on:

"Maybe you have to change how you define yourself."

What in the sam hell does that mean? He told me that maybe I have to look for different types of work, as if he had any clue what types of roles I've been looking at. Anyone want to look at the stinkin' spreadsheet of jobs I've applied for/discussed? From Sales Trainer to Radio DJ to blogger...there is no consistency with regards to how I've defined myself in terms of my job search, and I get this bolt of wisdom? You gotta be crappin' me. So here, for the masses, is how I define myself: honest friend-loyal to a fault, damn good son, a fine brother, a decent man. Fuck you if I don't define myself by job title. Title doesn't dictate my behavior (quick-name the movie reference) and it never will. A job is what pays me money. Most people hate their job, and there are those that love their career. If you can't differentiate between the two, then you have a job.

I can't believe I have to deal with this type of shenanighans all the damn time. Don't piss on my foot and tell me it's raining, pal. Let's just say I won't be asking that guy for career advice anytime, like, ever. Change how I define myself? I think most people would beg for the kind of self-worth I have, and not tied up in a job title that can be taken away at a moments notice.

Sorry...end of rant.

Week 7 Fantasy Picks

These are just off my head for this week:

Cinncinati @ Atlanta: Michael Turner (RB), Atlanta

Pittsburgh @ Miami: Davone Bess (WR), Miami

Buffalo @ Baltimore: Derrick Mason (WR), Baltimore

Jacksonville @ Kansas City: Matt Cassel (QB), Kansas City

Cleveland @ New Orleans: Peyton Hillis (RB), Cleveland

Washington @ Chicago: Fred Davis (TE), Washington

San Francisco @ Carolina: Jonathan Stewart (RB), Carolina

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay: Danario Alexander (WR), St. Louis

Philadelphia @ Tennessee: Justin Gage (WR), Tennessee

Arizona @ Seattle: John Carlson (TE), Seattle

New England @ San Diego: Buster Davis (WR), San Diego

Oakland @ Denver: Kyle Orton (QB), Denver

Minnesota @ Green Bay: James Jones (WR), Green Bay

NY Giants @ Dallas: Eli Manning (QB), NY Giants

And happy Sunday!

Week 7 picks

Last week: 8-6

Season: 41-49

Pittsburgh (-3) @ Miami: I see no way that Roethlisberger doesn’t light up the Miami secondary. And I see Miami QB Chad Henne gets picked twice. Pittsburgh.

Cincinnati @ Atlanta (-3): Atlanta has started 4 of its first 6 games on the road, and they are 4-2. Cincinnati, I have no idea what team they want to be or who they are. They’ve lost at home to Tampa Bay, and after the bye week they think they will be able to throw the ball all over the field. Uh, I don’t think so, as Carson Palmer can’t really throw it past 10 yards. Atlanta.

Jacksonville @ Kansas City (-9): Jacksonville will be starting a QB this week they just signed on Monday. Now they go on the road to a college type atmosphere and a team in the Chiefs that can run the ball, and their passing game is starting to come together. Don’t forget the special teams. Kansas City.

Philadelphia @ Tennessee (-3): Call this game a toss up. Tennessee has lost games that you would think they would win, and lost a game that you scratch your head at, a home loss to Denver. Philly is a decent team that beats the teams they are supposed to. With the Titans starting Kerry Collins at QB, I see turnovers and the Eagles capitalizing on the road. Philadelphia.

Washington @ Chicago (-3): Washington gives up a ton of yards but not a boatload of points. Chicago, has the shine worn off yet? I don’t think Bears QB Jay Cutler stays upright, and old hometown guy and Redskins QB Donovan McNabb enjoys Mom’s home cooking. Washington.

Cleveland @ New Orleans (-13): Part of me thinks the Browns can hang down in New Orleans. The other part of me thinks the Saints blow this game out early. I’m going with a guy call-New Orleans.

San Francisco (-3) @ Carolina: So a west coast team that finally won a game travels to an east coast team that they are almost definitely going to underestimate. What’s that you say? The 49ers will finally understand that they have to start the game off by running? Oh, okay then. San Francisco.

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay (-3): Tampa Bay will be without 2 OL. St. Louis is up and coming and makes things really fun and interesting, with a really good rookie QB and their D pressures the opponents passer. Gee, a pass rush seems like something good to travel with. St. Louis.

Arizona @ Seattle (-6 ½): Puh-lease….I have no clue why this line isn’t higher. Yes, Arizona just beat New Orleans in their last game, but that was a game they had to get up for at home. Seattle just went to Chicago and won, and will be facing a rookie QB. Seattle.

New England @ San Diego (-2 ½): This is the game where you let it ride. San Diego will be without its top WR and TE Antonio Gates is hobbled by a sprained toe. New England has launched old friend/new buddy WR Deion Branch to be part of the catching group for Tom Brady. Oh, and have we mentioned somewhere in this space about how awful the Chargers special teams is? New England.

Oakland @ Denver (-8 ½): I expect this to be an old-fashioned AFC West shootout..until I read that the Raiders will be sending out Jason Campbell to play QB. At what point in time do you have to realize that maybe, just maybe, a guy doesn’t have it? Denver will be looking to excite the home crowd. Temps here for the game are 66 with a slight breeze. Ah, fall in the Rocky Mountains. Denver.

Minnesota @ Green Bay (-2 ½): So dongalong Fav-ruh returns to Green Bay. Does anyone really care? I expect this to be a shootout, since Green Bay gives up points and Minnesota can’t stop the pass. Aaron Rodgers at home or Fav-ruh on the road? Oh, this game will be about more than the QBs…more likely it will be about Green Bay’s lack of a running game. Minnesota.

New York Giants @ Dallas (-3): So can Dallas right the ship? Does New York have the killer instinct to just absolutely dead and bury the Cowboys? High scoring game, but something tells me that the Cowboys will be up for this game and not make stupid penalties. Dallas.

Download the following

you will not be disappointed nor saddened. Here are the artists/albums you need to be bumpin' to:

1. Weezer-Hurley
2. Atmosphere-To All My Friends, Blood Makes The Blade Holy
3. Big Boi-Sir Lucious Left Foot The Son of Chico Dusty
4. Anberlin-Dark Is The Way, Light Is A Place
5. Aloe Blacc-Good Things
6. Slum Village-Villa Manifesto

Thank me later, or not at all

It's Later (Now)

Alright I get it now. One of the most valuable lessons a child can be taught-and more importantly, taught to remember-is that we are blessed with 2 ears and 1 mouth. That means shut up and listen. I have spent months, years, whatever spewing about whatever I think. And while some of it is humorous, some of it is bullshit and some of it is just to hear myself talk and make sure I’m alive. That whole phrase about deafening silence? Yup, I understand it. As hard and as thick as my skull is, I get it, now more than ever.

I said that it would be discussed later. Well, now is later. I just finished reading ‘Sh*t My Dad Says’, and while it’s a hysterical read, I cannot get one passage out of my head. I won’t ruin it for you, but it got me thinking about how I’ve been running my life and if it would be any different if my Pops were still alive. I don’t think it would. Maybe I would have a better rudder around to guide me when I wade into the shit, but for the most part, I’ve learned to get out of it on my own. It would be less painful if I didn’t wade out there too long as I tend to do, and my old man would slap me back into reality faster than I currently do for myself, but still, I get out of it eventually.

So why is now later? Simple, really. I’ve come to the realization that while any one of us may want something really bad, that doesn’t mean we get to have it. Go figure, my own phrase biting me in the ass. I have a truly sickening feeling that this crap is going to keep happening. My older friends telling me that I’m too damn smart for my own good may have foreshadowed a reckoning that even I didn’t realize was possible. Awesome….

I knew something was up in June. The night of June 4^th, or morning of June 5^th-either way, my little ticker broke into a thousand little pieces and then dust. I haven’t shaken that much since (no, not when I landed and my brother and Ma decided to show some true colors) I was a kid. When I was 5 I had a severe flu/illness that forced me into a hospital and I couldn’t get warm. Why do I remember that? I have no idea. I just know that I was scared (again, I’m 5 here) and I remember Ma being worried and my Pops actually driving me to the hospital at like 3 AM. Anyways, I knew something wasn’t right, with me. No, it wasn’t the Chinese food-even if we both hated those dumplings (nasty), nor was it the wine. I should have left. Instead I chose to torture myself. Or cause myself more harm than was necessary.

So I write this knowing full well some of the backlash or ass-ripping I could get. But I have always strived to be the genuine article. And I told you all before, I don’t keep it real, I keep it right. Well, what’s right is right. This isn’t the post that I am certain will get me called names. Well, if it does it will only be by one person and not by multiple people. But I write this also knowing that if I don’t, I could be keeping some things in that are toxic. And toxic=bad, last I checked.

Now, I could sit here and piss & moan about the conversation, the food, the blahblahblah, but that is all ancillary and matters not. That’s window dressing to the crux of the main event. You don’t bitch about the ring apron when the fighters are in the ring, do you? I didn’t think so. There’s a huge reason this hurts more than almost anything I’ve ever dealt with-since my last serious relationship, I swore I would be a selfish prick and never ever ever let anyone know how much they meant to me. It would be very ‘Pops-like’ for me. Well, fate had other ideas, as well as the timing of my stupid existence. I happened upon this woman and I wasn’t looking for (think ‘SMACK’ right now) while trying to smarten up by reading. And I found this book that I knew couldn’t hurt, ‘The Modern Gentleman’, and I devoured it in 3 days. Note-I don’t read that fast. The internet? Hells yes, I read that fast. A book? Oh no, it takes a while. Moving on-I practically ran into this woman, and I wanted to know more. She gave shit as good as she took it. I tried more than once to get that 1^st date. It took awhile, but in my genius ways I decided to take the queen of hockey to a baseball game (Pass along the following info to those in the dating pool-find out if she remotely likes what you’re planning on doing) and 2 very pasty white people tried to enjoy a baseball game on the 1^st base side on a Sunday. Yeah, it was a bit warm and we didn’t stay long. But we did enjoy each other’s company. And in hanging out with her I thought I was lucky enough to have turned a corner on a bunch of other bullshit in my life. No, I’m putting her as the reason that I thought things were turning said corner, but it was nice not to have to deal with my roommate (at the time, Money Mike), my living situation, my job (seeing her like once a week at my office was a fucking bonus), and my finances. It just seemed like things were finally clicking into place and I could be a semi-adult. Whatever happened, happened, it’s in the past, and I’m really not wanting to discuss what happened damn near 5 years ago.

Let’s just say we reconnected and those feelings for her were still there. But as usual, I was kept at a distance. And for good reason. Don’t worry, I’ll wrap this crap up with a nice little bow and you’ll all nod and think I know what I’m talking about.

Back to that Friday night in June. We talked about all sorts of stuff. There were things that were funny, and there were things I wanted an explanation about. Mostly because a lot of the things that were up in the air were done via text message. You can’t get inflection and tone in a text. Well, maybe you can, but I’m not smart enough to-and the more you try to read into a text message, the more susceptible you are to stating something completely stupid or getting into a very unnecessary argument. Tell me that hasn’t happened to you…right.

Things that were great to talk about-how jacked up both our families are. My ‘lovely’ first two days in town and what I was trying to accomplish. Her long day, the living situation, the dog, all that stuff. Things not to like-I can’t handle her ‘crazyness’ (I never got the opportunity), why she’d tell me I’m marriage material and then let it go into the wind (uh, it ain’t like telling me ‘nice shirt’, I’m just sayin’) and honestly the serious tone the whole conversation took. I take responsibility for that. Mostly nerves. No one ever called me smooth.

Whatever, when it came time to sleep, I took the futon mattress on the floor instead of the couch (in hindsight, should have either taken the couch or left-hindsight is a lovely 20/20 vision, ain’t it?) but I had to get my lounge wear out of the trunk of the rental car. And make sure that the dog took care of his business. Changed in the bathroom, and that’s where the shaking started. I had to tell myself to calm the hell down. But why was I shaking. So it was time for the self diagnostic. Can I breathe? Yup. Feet cold? Nope. Stomach flipping? Sinus issue? Headache? No, no and no. Last check, how’s the ticker? In one word, “Bingo”. Oh, and it’s about start pouring outside. Thunder and lightning, coming up!

I am warned that the dog may curl up against me (not a problem, I like the pooch, and he ‘tolerates’ me, or so I think), and as soon as I lay down on the futon mattress, he does exactly that. Only one problem-I can’t tell who is shaking more-me for the heartbreak, or him for the fear of thunder and lightning. Doesn’t really matter, I figured if I could take deep breaths I would calm down and the dog would, in turn, do the same. Not so much, because I couldn’t calm my heart/stomach from calming down and that dog was shivering. Good times. At some point in time, there was this huge bolt of lightning that I swear was right over me, and I could hear my Pops (yes, I hear him sometimes, you don’t have to believe it, my blog, my story) telling me ‘get the fuck outta there, are you stupid?!’ but I told him to cram it. Great, I tell the spirit of my Pops to shut up. I’m a dick even to the afterlife.

I think I got 3 hours of sleep, put shorts on and sat on the couch. It felt like an eternity, but one of her roommates came home. After a 5 minute dissertation on why shots are wonderful (I don’t care) he tells me that I can wake her up and leave. I asked if he was sure. He said it wasn’t a problem. Nice to meet ya, have fun sleeping off the hangover. Woke her up, one arm hug, kiss on the forehead and she said she’d call me later, after she was going to meet some of her girls for lunch (yup, that means there was going to be a discussion about me-even I’m not that naïve, I know y’all girls talk).

Well, I didn’t hear from her until after I sent her a text message only to find out that it seemed like her girls ran her thru the ringer and when she got home someone she had been seeing/dating/I have no idea/none of my damn business was waiting (that’s how I remember it, I might be off a little) and she was spent. From my perspective, no parentheses-Are you freaking kidding me?!! What cruel twist of bullshit fate do I get here…the woman I’m nuts about has to have her friends tell her (probably) that she sucks for some reason-be it to do with me or that other dude and then the other dude is at her door after that…and after hanging out with me the whole night before?!! Oh come on!! Cut me a mofuckin’ break, will you please. Regarding the other dude, I said before I’ll state it again, none of my damn business. Dead serious. But I knew he knew about me, and I knew about him. And I’ll reiterate something else I’ve stated-step your game up, fella. Who knows, maybe he was smarter than me, but I don’t look at it like a competition. She’s a human being, not a damn trophy fish. I don’t ‘hook’ anyone.

And that’s that. The post script to that Saturday afternoon was the joy of not only my back being out of whack (welcome to being over 30, dummy) but my rental car got the shit scratched out of it. Yes, that was solved with rubbing compound (not bad for a guy who doesn’t know anything about cars), but still-heartbreak, back out of whack and a scratched rental car? Dude, WTF?!!

There were a couple of texts between that day and before I left after my Pops golf tournament. We were going to try and meet up, and I had it in my head of what might be said. But that meet up didn’t happen, due to circumstances out of both of our controls. Here’s where you know I’m in way over my head, and why this hurts so much-she called me after I saw my Godson (I’m biased, but what a cute kid) at the beginning of the 3^rd quarter of Game 3 of the Finals. Read that again-I took a phone call from a woman over watching the game…ME! I did that shit. Yup, I may have been holding onto the dust that was my feelings, but I wasn’t going to just give up, I’m WAY too stupid to walk away.

Well the summer went by and she decided to come out to Colorado to visit last month. No, not to see me, I’m a part of the ‘people’ umbrella. We made plans, plans that got broken, for legit reasons. Twice. But I won’t lie, my feelings were hurt. And part of me wanted to be a dick, just to prove a point. But that shit is childish, and I’m 34. When we did get to meet up, it wasn’t all that fun (I don’t think she’d disagree). I said something that would probably paint me as an asshole, and for that-I’m sorry if you feel that way. You don’t have to look at it from my side. I can’t make you do that, nor can I implore you to. The only thing I can say is that I said what I said, and it was from the heart, and from someone that felt hurt and brushed aside, and after being told about bullshit people acting like assclowns. It hurts when someone you care about is sitting across from you telling you about dumbasses and how your time was kind of wasted and that it wasn’t a good trip…meanwhile a man that cares so much for you is sitting across a table from you in utter disbelief. Disbelief because I have nothing but free time and would do anything to hang out. Not meant to be.

After I got in my car, I felt like a dick for like 5 seconds. That feeling went away, kinda. Then on my way home I stopped in the grocery store for a couple of things. When I was walking towards the door, that feeling was still nagging at me-and there it was-the double rainbow. I took it as my sign that while I may have been a bit of a prick, eventually a person has to stand up for themselves if they feel they’ve been wronged. And I was hurt by what I thought was being ‘squeezed in’. Call it bullshit if you want, but a person’s feelings are their truth. I grasp that all sorts of things were going on, I really do. But what’s done is done, and I can’t change the past.

So that’s it. Later has turned to now, like I stated earlier. Why haven’t I posted a bunch of stuff? Now you know. My heart hurts. Why? Simple, I put someone before me and it didn’t work. I kinda forgot about that whole ‘not working’ thing. I only thought of the ‘working out’ stuff, not the other side to that coin, which is equal.

I will put all of this in my book when it comes to it. I will tell other guys out there that there is a difference between being a chump and being interested. I truly do think that this woman had some inkling of a feeling for me. Like a soda burp, it passed. For whatever reason. But you can’t make someone love you. You just can’t. And one person can’t love for two. Yeah, I said it, put it in print. Tell me I’m dumb, I won’t disagree. I’ll nod in agreement. Because it makes you do dumbass things. And boy did I do some dumb things. Best part? I wouldn’t change a damn thing that I tried.

All I can say is this…to Her-I’m sorry I didn’t realize this earlier, and if I ever made you uncomfortable, my sincerest apologies. The heart wants what it wants, and you can’t fault a guy for trying, no matter how foolish it may be. To the rest of you reading this-mock me if you want, hug me, hate me I don’t give a damn. Most of you wouldn’t ever have the stones to do any of this shit, let alone write about it. I’m all about Front St., hell I own my condo right on the middle of the block. Are you my neighbor?

Here’s to your own madness, like I said before. Who needs a drink?
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