So my Ma and I usually talk every Sunday. Like, EVERY Sunday, at the same time. Until the last two Sundays. Apparently she works on Sunday, and in doing so, her timing has started to stink. Yesterday she called as I was walking into Costco (more on these dolts in a minute), and she's going deaf, I swear it. After 3 minutes of trying to talk to her, I had to call her back. It got too annoying, with her constant "huh??" and not listening. It's gotten to the point that halfway thru something I'll throw a whopper of a lie in the mix just to see if she's paying attention....she isn't.
Suffice to say, that as I was getting in the checkout line at Costco, me, my cart and the 3 large items in it just wait. And wait. And wait. Why? Because the knucklehead in front of me had to buy a pair of swim trunks for her kid, and naturally had to be the ONE PAIR without a damn tag. Really? This escapes you, oh dim-witted-giant-assed-woman-wearing-(duh)-a-track-suit-while-yelling-for-your-kid-to-get-you-an-ice-cream-cone? Between that and her soul patch, she was a looker. (and in case you haven't read my stuff before, here it comes....) I'm pissed for multiple reasons:
1. This sow didn't have a cart, had 3 items, two sets of swimwear and a box of cookies, with a teenager and a child. Did they take my cart and put her crap in it? Have we met? Of course they did.
2. As the poor bastard ringing her up has to have the box lady go run and get another pair of shorts for the tag, I get that sheepish look with a muffled apology. Look, either step up and say 'my bad' or say nothing, and don't even think of looking at me. You're another one of these mouth-breathers I hear so much about. I know I haven't been out there in the world much lately, due to my lack of employment. But now that I'm amongst the working and back to being a weekly consumer-what the fuck happened to the gene pool?
3. This may be a side note-but one that bears noting. How is these morons have sex and I'm left to my favorite internet sites for physical gratification? You mean to tell me that there is some dolt out there happy to have his pud yanked by her cookiedoughicecreamcrusted hands and I gotta do my own? Yup, I need to dummy up, or stock up on chloroform. Christ, and to think I thought it was a good idea to save myself for a time for someone I thought was worth a damn. Once again, write this down-when it comes to women, I am a dumbass.
4. Finally after the swim trunk delay is over, I have my 3 items rung up and am asked if I need a box, a refreshing escape from the week prior, when I was watched fumbling around like a jackass with 5 items before I turned away and only THEN was asked if I wanted a box. I told the box lady "no, I had a cart"....her face turned pale. I have no idea. Maybe it was the look of wondering if anyone thinks half a step ahead of anything in this giant conglomerate of consumerism. C'mon now, everyone knows the crap you buy at whatever superclub you shop at cannot be carried out. Anything more than one item is like watching someone try and move a 26-inch TV from 12 years ago. Sure, it can be done, but your hands, shoulders, back and hammies are gonna burn. Oh, that and you look like the de-evolution of man as you try to hand the old guy cheating death checking your receipt-just in case you think you can slip that 5 lb. bag of Craisins past him-notsofastmyfriend.
5. Now if you think above is where I got pissed off happened, you would be sadly mistaken. As I walk out to my car, I see some dickhead on a cell phone (duh) yacking away as he parks his now empty cart next to my car on the drivers side. What's on the passenger side? The freakin' cart corral! I lost it. Not bad, but had to let out a loud "You have got to be kidding me!! Are people this fucking lazy??" It was then that a moment of clarity came about, but was (thankfully) driven home by watching another assclown on a cell phone almost back into a family in an SUV that was already halfway out of it's spot. Naturally, cell phone douche kept on his merry way.
6. I will not apologize for wanting to get my crap and get out. That's it. I will be pleasant to almost anyone, until they prove how dumb they are. How are this many people walking around upright? How have they not been picked off by natural selection? Oh, I know the answer, and it only makes me more irritated.
After this debacle, I got in my car, deep breathe, plugged my cell phone into the headset, and called my Mom. She said I seemed a bit fired up. I went thru all the fun I've been having:
Mainly, I'm old. I helped someone move on Saturday and was still sore on Monday. And to think, I've been eating much better since Lent started. For what? And I've been exercising. Again-why?? I say those last two in jest, but really, no soda, no fast food, no bacon, for 40 days.
That twice in the last 2 weeks someone in my neighborhood has practically accosted me before I get to take one step out of my car. Not anyone I know, either. The first one was some punk kid asking me for money. No shame, either. The better one was this past Saturday night. I went to my buddy's house for spaghetti dinner. His sauce hits me rough. Very acidic. We've talked in the past about sticking a carrot in there or a little sugar, just to cut it down, to no avail. Well as I was stepping out of my car (11:30 at night) I was racing time to get to the bathroom. I hear, 'excuse me, can I borrow your phone I locked myself out of my house." I couldn't even see this person it was so dark out. I just blurted out that I don't even have a phone on me. What I got in return was, very rudely, dripping with sarcasm, "Well Happy Easter to you, Jesus Saves". GRRRRRRRRRRR. Do not bring up Jesus Christ in this discussion. I'd had enough, and told this woman, "Ma'am, if it's between you, Jesus, a phone and me dropping deuce in the next 30 seconds, the only one winning is the toilet, may Jesus himself save my O-ring" and with that wogged (jogged/walked) into my house.
I want to know what on God's green earth is wrong with some people? I know it's me sometimes, it has to be. I can't be right all the time. But in these few examples above, I know I am. Best part-all of these people have been employed longer than I have, I can guarandamntee it.
So Ma Dukes wants me to relax or I'll blow a gasket. I think the opposite. I seem to have very little patience and it's always a chore to be polite to assholes, so why not try and get paid to be the angry aggravated person I am? I have an infinite amount of piss & vinegar, and that is where I end up getting many people to laugh along with me. Who's the most ticked off comic out there right now? How old are they and how long have they been in the business? See where I'm going with this?
All it means is that the website I promised is still forthcoming, I will be writing more often (I have to-no way I'll get any better at it unless you keep doing it), and I will almost assuredly be taking a comedy writing class to emphasize the standup portion. And yes, take it personal.
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Now playing: Nappy Roots - Good Day
via FoxyTunes
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