I am the Fuck-Up

Every once in awhile you look around and take stock of your life. Some do it when there is a major life change about to happen-a huge move, new job, job promotion, marriage, big vacation, whatever. In my case, since I have a ton of free time, have brought to light something that I'm not exactly thrilled to admit.

I have to preface this whole thing with the statement that I usually have not compared myself to my friends, I'm always happy for their success. And I still am. I will never ever begrudge anyone their success, be it career, financial or personal. But how can I not compare myself? I firmly think it's human nature to do so.

So now it's time for me to come out of my place in the middle of Front St., and admit the ugliest of truths-I am the Fuck-Up. Make no mistake, I don't like typing it, and I doubt you like reading it. How am I the Fuck-Up? Easy. I'm a burden to my friends, by either not being able to go out or not being thrilled when they call. I officially hate my life. I'm tired of getting oh so very close to landing a job only to be told, 'Thanks, but no.' I can't stand my living situation, with HDN, and yet there is nothing I can do. No one will rent to a person without some form of income. That's just a fact.

I feel like a loser. Nothing you can do or say to take that feeling away. This flat out sucks. I've been out of work for so long I don't even know what to do with myself. Well, I know what I'm doing tomorrow. I'm sucking it up and looking for a job at retail stores. Hopefully, if I'm lucky, I'll get to work on the night of my birthday-oh what fun that would be. I'll be 35 years old and I'll be single, unemployed and virtually homeless. Dude, what happened to my life?

I haven't smiled in like 3 days. Even with all the stupid crap I read and write, the corners of my mouth haven't turned up. I'm dead serious-whomever I fucked over, in this life, or in another, I'm sorry. I've thrown myself on the mercy of the job gods. Consider me beyond humbled.

Here sits a beaten man. I am the Fuck-Up, watch me wilt.