The medical marijuana dust-up. So HotDog Neck, who never, and I mean never, does a damn thing to clean up his own house, all of a sudden decided to take a broom down to the basement Sunday night. You’d think I would be curious, but since football was on and I was nursing a massive hangover (keep reading, it’s down there), I could only think that ‘finally that fatnecked bastard is going to do something around here!’…really, I wouldn’t invite anyone into my home, not because I don’t like you, but because it’s gross and I’d be mortified. Beyond embarrassed. This would be a gigantic reason I want out. It wears on me. Moving on, I work out every morning. Well, except Sunday. So Monday morning I did my thing. Monday afternoon, I’m trying to apply for a Gubment job, and I apparently need my college transcript. Sidebar-while I understand the need to see grades for someone fresh out of school, but I graduated in 1997, what possible relevance does my college degree have to do with anything, unless I’m a doctor? Don’t get me started on the idea that college is a necessity. Sidebar over. Well, if I had a copy of my transcript, it would be in the basement, in my files. I go down to the basement, and my basement no longer smells like a basement. It smells distinctively different. A smell that I’ve smelled before, but not in a long time. I look over to my left and what do I see? 9 little plants, and you guessed it, it’s pot. Fan-Freaking-Tastic!! I don’t have enough crap on a day to day basis with this walking, functioning, barely-tests-above-a-‘tard and now I’m living in a place that is doing something illegal. Suh-weet. Now, there are also some other issues at play here. First and foremost, this is his house, he can do whatever the hell he wants, and I get that. However, he never asked me my opinion of this whole thing while I live there, nor did he tell me when this would happen.
The guy that starts every sentence with “I’m Gonna” all of a sudden follows thru. I’m dead serious. He never follows thru on jack squat. “I’m gonna lose weight”…how, by eating only 6 of an 8-piece fried chicken dinner from King Soopers? “I’m gonna get my life together”…how, by rarely following thru on your business commitments and drinking until there is no tomorrow? I’m missing stuff here, I must be. Now, you could be thinking, ‘judge ye lest ye be judged’ and I would tell you to bring it on. Now, the best part of this whole ordeal is that while it is perfectly legal by the State of Colorado to engage in this activity, it’s a problem in the eyes of the US Gubment. I know, the bastards! So I sat down HDN (again, this stands for HotDog Neck) and told him that I wasn’t down with the operation, mostly because it puts me at risk. After 6 minutes of being ‘yessed’ to death, I snapped. If you’ve known me long enough, you’ll be impressed that my fuse was that long. I had to call him a blockhead (I know, how Charlie Brown of me) to grab his attention and tell him while it’s great that he’s covered his own ass, he neglected to even have a teeny, tiny bit of foresight when it came to the other dummy living in his house (meaning me). Thank God I have an attorney on retainer. How is that possible considering I’m unemployed? Time for a business plug-Pre-Paid Legal!! And if you want to sign up, ask me and I’ll help you. $26/month covers me, and it would cover you and your family if you have one. Plug over. So after having my Yuppie Buddy Friend and my boy Jay help freak me out about all the ramifications, I put a call in to my aforementioned attorney. After this little dust-up, my attorney called me. Yup, I can get in trouble. A mere possession ticket, but still, if I’m going to get in trouble for something, I might as well do the crime, right? I also told HDN that I have a moral issue with this (and I really do, too). While I firmly believe in the power of medical marijuana, my nitwit of a roommate has no medical condition that he needs a license for. Believe me, the guy ain’t hurtin’ in the appetite department. He doesn’t have cancer or glaucoma, either. And he has abused every substance he could get his hands on. And for me, this little drug has been abused by a family member to the tune of him not being able to function without it. When I mentioned this to HDN, he had the nerve to ask me if my brother does other drugs as well. The only reply I could muster up is “Don’t even go there, bitch”, because while Mary Jane may be considered a gateway drug to some, my brother would be a bigger asshole without it. I’ve seen him without weed for a day, uncomfortable being around him would be quite the understatement. So what is my resolution? Easy, in theory, I guess. Whomever offers me a job, gets me. I’m outta that place as soon as I get an offer letter. And my fatbacked roommate knows this. Because I told him. Now, on the advice of legal counsel, I am drawing up a one page lease agreement that absolves me of having anything to do with his little operation in the basement. I mean this with the utmost sincerity, pray for me to get a job. It’s the only material thing I want or need. Everything else will sort itself out. I need to be out of there like yesterday.
Rough Saturday that turned to Sunday. Oh boy, was it a rough Saturday night. I drank 2/3 of a bottle of Ketel One. Why? Well happy birthday Pops. Christ I was an idiot. My Yuppie Buddy and his wife invited me down to his house for dinner. Mostly so I’d crash at their place and be up to watch football on Sunday, since the Pats weren’t going to be on TV because the Broncos were in Jacksonville. Well that all became moot the moment the bottle came out and I started drinking like I’d been out in the Sahara for a week. I’m not making excuses, just an explanation. I don’t think I’ve been clear about my relationship with my Pops. And not that I have to tell you, but I miss having him a phone call away. I miss him just being there. I could always bounce things off of him and he’d give it to me straight. Even if it hurt my feelings (yes, I have them). Brutal honesty was his mantra. And since I’ve been out of work, out of luck, out of love, and in a gross living situation, I could probably use his swift kick in my ass. Sure, I do it to myself, but it’s not the same. Adding to this is that he would’ve been 60, which when you’re a kid is freakin’ old. But when you’re 34 and starting to realize your own mortality, it’s not that far away. So after whacking down 3 of these lovely cocktails (booze, ice, glass-that’s it) we all sit down to watch the boobtube. And what is on, but a TV show called ‘Parenthood’, or what it should be called-‘think of every possible bad thing that could happen amongst a family, and it’s in the script’. I’m not saying that this stuff doesn’t happen in families all over the world, I’m saying I watch TV for an escape. The only reality I need on my TV is ‘Jersey Shore’ and sports, other than that, entertain me. So add up booze+missing my ‘Superman’+emotions+TV show about parents, and what do you think you get? How about this:
Suffice to say that after my digestive pyrotechnics, I fell asleep on my buddy’s spare bed. He took excellent care of me. I woke up in the morning and couldn’t even eat toast. At least I didn’t have a headache. My stomach, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with me. And I can’t say I blame it, not one bit. It’s one thing to abuse your stomach with chocolate, ribs, ice cream, omelets, steak, apples or bacon, but this much booze-I knew I was asking for trouble. So instead of going to a bar to see if my gag reflex was stuck on ‘ON’, I just went home. While I’m not proud of myself, I said nothing stupid nor insulted anyone. And I can’t thank Yuppie Buddy enough for only taking the above picture and not writing on me or mocking me. I know he noticed that I was an emotional trainwreck and gave me the mulligan. Thank goodness for great friends.
Honest to God, if you are over the age of 15, can’t you find another filler word that makes you sound more intelligent than oh, say, ‘like’? How about ‘Um’? Yup, I deserve to be out in public today :)
I went 8-8 last week, and I’ll try to do better. 8-8 ain’t great. I know, some might be thinking .500 is good, it’s not. In the world of gambling and betting, .500 is losing. The house always wins. Now, on to this week’s picks!
Kansas City @ Cleveland (-2): I want to know who is setting these lines! Did I miss something on Sunday and Monday night? I know KC was geeked up for their home opener, but they destroyed San Diego on special teams. And they got after the QB. Cleveland? One long completion from Jake Delhomme and that was about it. I know this is Cleveland’s home opener, but I also know who is coaching the defense on the other side of the field, former Browns head coach Romeo Crennel. I think Romeo will have something dialed up for Delhomme or Seneca Wallace on Sunday. Take the points, and the Chiefs.
Buffalo @ Green Bay (-12 ½): Is this line high enough? I know GB lost RB Ryan Grant for the season, but they weren’t a running team anyways. This offense revolves around QB Aaron Rodgers and the passing game. The Packers only need a running game to keep defenses honest, and if the opposition wants to run a nickel defense all the time, then run. Rodgers does need to get rid of the ball faster and use his intermediate game a bit more, but Buffalo will be without middle linebacker Paul Posluszny, so the Packers might establish the run on the first 2 plays, but then it’s bombs away. Buffalo will try and catch up in the 2nd half, but when your starting QB is known as ‘Captain Checkdown’, it’s not a good sign. The clock will run out and fantasy teams with Packers will rejoice. The Pick-Green Bay.
Baltimore (-2) @ Cincinnati: Now this will be interesting. Will we see the fired up, pissed off Ravens that brought the wood to the Jets on Monday night? Or will we see something a bit more tame? And what of Cincinnati? Will the team that got its collective ass handed to them by New England in the first 2 ½ quarters be the team on the field or the one that tried to come back? My guess is something between the two, for both teams. This is a division game, too, and Baltimore will be looking to exact some revenge on the Bengals. I’m thinking Cincy isn’t scared, and they’re home. I’m taking the Bengals.
Pittsburgh @ Tennessee (-5): Let’s get this out there in the open. Pittsburgh’s D is back now that Safety Troy Polamalu is back and healthy. The offense? Don’t let the huge OT run by RB Rashard Mendenhall fool you. That offense was going nowhere fast. And had the DB for the Falcons stayed home instead of trying to fly up to the line, that 50 yard TD run doesn’t happen. Tennessee ain’t Atlanta. Now, Tennesse runs the ball quite well and Pittsburgh can stop the run. So what could this game come down to? Vince Young and the kicking game. I have more confidence in Rob Bironas than I do in Jeff Reed. The pick-Tennessee.
Philadelphia (-6) @ Detroit: I really still want to know what on God’s Green Earth the Eagles medical staff is doing with a license right now. Did you see this crap?
Either way, there is no way QB Kevin Kolb or MLB Stewart Bradley is playing in this game…well, they better not or someone should get fired and smacked in the head with a brick on the way out. It’s on Michael Vick. And Vick is better than Kolb right now. And more dangerous. He’s far more dynamic. It will be interesting to see what the Eagles O-Line will look like without starting C Jamaal Jackson. The Eagles looked like a damn MASH Unit. Now, the Lions aren’t any better off. Week 1, starting QB Matt Stafford goes down with a Grade II sprained AC Joint in his throwing shoulder. So there’s that. And the Lions still don’t cover well. They might be fine if they were playing against a QB that stays in the pocket, but we all know that is not the case with Vick. I’m taking the Eagles on the road, and queue up the QB controversy in Philly, it’s gonna happen.
Chicago @ Dallas (-8): I think this line is way out of whack, on the condition that Alex Barron is playing Right Tackle for the Cowboys. If he is, Julius Peppers is going to make a turnstile out of him. If Marc Colombo is back, then Vegas may be on to something. I think the Bears are playing smoke ‘n’ mirrors game after last week. Does anyone else think a RB is getting 151 receiving yards again? Against the Dallas D? I sure don’t. I don’t think the Bears can stop the Dallas passing game, depending on the Barron/Colombo lineup dynamic. If it’s Colombo, I’m taking the Cowboys. If it’s Barron, I’m taking Chicago, because that guy sucks that bad. Who knows, maybe someone in Dallas will decide to help Barron with some TE help or have a RB chip the D-Lineman across from him. Stranger things have happened. Oh hell, I’ll take Dallas, can’t sit on the fence!
Tampa Bay @ Carolina (-3 ½): What do we know? Tampa Bay isn’t as bad as a lot of people think. There are pieces in place. Carolina isn’t that good at the QB spot, and I watched Matt Moore in a preseason game and on the road in Jersey to play the Giants. However, Carolina is home. However #2, they can’t play from behind and Tampa Bay can do a decent job vs. what the Panthers do well-run the ball. Defensive battle (watch, I state that and it’ll be 35-27), comes down to turnovers. I think Carolina head coach takes the air out of the ball and relies on the RB tandem of Williams and Stewart. Carolina.
Arizona @ Atlanta (-6 ½): While Arizona won on the road vs. St. Louis last week, there was one very disturbing stat-QB Derek Anderson targeted WR Larry Fitzgerald 15 times, and only connected 3 times. Not good. And the Cardinals were facing a rookie QB that chucked it 55 times. Welcome to the NFL Sam Bradford. Atlanta couldn’t muster up much of a running game on the road vs. Pittsburgh. I wouldn’t expect them to. However, WR Roddy White was targeted 23 times and caught 13 balls. I think Atlanta gets their ground game going, and pick off Anderson 3 times. The pick-Atlanta.
Miami @ Minnesota (-5 ½): Will the real Brett Fav-ruh please stand up? Better yet, can WR Percy Harvin figure out if he’s playing against man coverage or zone? I watched the Vikings play the Saints a week ago, and I don’t think Harvin knew the difference, because twice he decided to squat on a long route instead of running across his defenders face. Don’t get me wrong, Fav-ruh missing training camp didn’t help, as he missed quite a few throws that he didn’t miss last year. Miami-well, they barely beat Buffalo on the road. Newly acquired WR Brandon Marshall did okay, but I don’t trust QB Chad Henne yet. This is just my gut talking, I think the Vikings feed RB Adrian Peterson the ball like 25 times, allowing Fav-ruh to make smart short passes and Minnesota holds the Dolphins under 17 points. The pick-Minnesota.
St. Louis @ Oakland (-3 ½): Oakland, at home. St. Louis, on the road, with a rookie QB. Hmmm. I think the Raiders dial up the pass rush, pick off a couple of balls thrown by Sam Bradford and run the ball down the throat of the Rams. Oakland.
Seattle @ Denver (-3 ½): Can we all agree that no one picked the Seahawks last week? Okay, other than Seahawks fans. I’ll give you that one. No one saw them beating the pants off of the 49ers. And I don’t care how well head coach Pete Carroll can fire up the troops, they are a vastly team on the road. Denver will be making its home debut, and I can tell you from living here, the home crowd is ready to get rowdy. Add to it that the Broncos are a passing team (to who, exactly, is not certain just yet) and I think we have a rout on our hands out here in the Mile High. The pick-Denver.
Houston (-3) @ Washington: Alright, kiddos. Follow the bouncing ball. Houston head coach Gary Kubiak used to play and coach for Washington head coach Mike Shanahan. Mike’s son and offensive coordinator Kyle was the offensive coordinator for Kubiak last year. With me? What I’m telling you is that you are going to see some similar style of play and play calling on offense. On defense? I think Washington may be more stout up front, but I think Houston has more talent. Washington won on a fluke touchdown and a bunch of holding penalties. Houston beat Indy by putting a hat on a hat. I’m thinking that while RB Arian Foster doesn’t bust out for another 200 yard rushing effort, he’ll do enough to make QB Matt Schaub dangerous. The pick-Houston.
Jacksonville @ San Diego (-7): Last year Jacksonville averaged 23 pts/game at home. On the road? 13. I think San Diego will be pissed. And QB Philip Rivers is going to throw all over the place. The pick-San Diego.
New England (-3) @ NY Jets: Now this is a tough game for me to call. Why? Because I despise the Jets. I hate everything they stand for, mostly false bravado. They act like they won the division last season. They didn’t. They act as if they are anointed champions. They haven’t been. Baltimore went to the new Meadowlands on Monday night and put a hurting on the Jets. Now, New England doesn’t have that kind of talent on defense, but they have more talent on offense. And I noticed something that I’m sure New England’s offensive coaches noticed-the sheer amount of penalties on the Jets tells me 2 things-1)they are undisciplined and 2)they can be had. Watch for a couple of dumb personal fouls to be called on the Jets. And Jets QB Mark Sanchez can’t hit a receiver. Add in that NT Kris Jenkins tore his ACL again (in all seriousness, I’ve done this, once and can’t imagine doing it twice in 12 months), and while the Jets will have all of their elaborate blitz packages, Baltimore QB Joe Flacco got rid of the ball plenty fast on Monday night. Tom Brady has more weapons, especially at TE, so the world will find out about rookies Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski. New England isn’t as good on D as Baltimore, but they are better on O, and O is what will win this game for New England. The pick-New England.
NY Giants @ Indianapolis (-5): I think Arian Foster just scored on the Colts again. This is the joy of Vegas. They love history. They believe it predicts certain things. Well, I believe in current history. Did anyone watch the game the Colts played against Houston? Houston, not known for their rough and tumble running game, put a hurtin’ on the smallish defense of Indy. Houston also hit Indy QB Peyton Manning a ton. Know what the Giants have the ability to do? Run the ball and rush the passer. And yet, here I sit, typing, looking at getting 5 points? Sure, Indianapolis will be able to throw the ball as long as Peyton Manning is upright, but they don’t run the ball, and their D is small, and now safety Bob Sanders is hurt, yet again. Something doesn’t smell right, this is too easy. But when in doubt, tell your overactive imagination to shut up, take the points, and laugh. The pick-The Giants of New York.
New Orleans (-5 ½) @ San Francisco: Did the 49ers know they had a game on Sunday, and that it counted. Their loss up in Seattle on Sunday was the ‘WTF?!’ of the week. And now, after waking up by having coach Mike Singletary (uh, one guy I definitely wouldn’t want mad at me, like, ever) look at game film with them all week, the champs come to town. The same champs who only put up 14 at home against Minnesota. Uh-oh. I think San Fran will be able to run some, but QB Alex Smith needs to throw it downfield and WR Michael Crabtree either needs to get benched and sent home or someone needs to literally kick him in the ass for his overall attitude. I’m taking the road team on this one, with the idea that they want to put up like 40 points if they can (guess who’s not starting SF in fantasy football this week?-You guessed correct, me!). The pick-New Orleans.
And now a special note to the smart people out there (just a few words of wisdom from me to you), if you’re the smartest guy in the room on a consistent basis, maybe, just maybe you go find yourself a new room. Waddya think? I state this knowing full well that sometimes each of us is the smartest person in the room, but usually only on a specific topic. If you’re smarter than everyone in a room about everything, leave the room and go find another room, like at a MENSA meeting, otherwise your boorish behavior isn’t appreciated. Nor is the condescending tone in which you talk to the rest of us simpletons. Oh, and you’re a jack-knocker for acting like a douche. That is all.
And as usual, the job search is a continuing day to day struggle. This is getting to be a bit much, even for someone with my sense of humor.
Give me topics! If you’ve got something you want my take on, tell me. I’m a guy, meaning my ability to read minds and get subtle hints is limited, at best.
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