I haven't typed up anything in quite a few days mostly because I've had nothing to say. Or rather, nothing polite to say. Everything in my head has been negative and nasty, and I really don't want to put that type of stuff out there. Granted, my normal ranting and raving has been out there for all to ready, but I don't ever want to intend to put nastiness into the world. There's enough without my help.
With all of that as a background, I guess I made the choice not to write anything, under the guise of 'if I don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'. Mostly because I have been busting my hump trying to find a job, something that will fit me and make sure it is something that is great for me. After having roles in companies that I didn't fit and put me in different spots that gave me varying levels of angst, anger, fear and disappointment, I know this time around I'd rather work for a company I can respect and get what I want as opposed to just taking a job for the sake of having a job. Mind you, I don't have the things that others have, like a mortgage or a family, so I can and have taken my time. If I had either of those, I would have taken something much sooner.
"Just Network"
Sorry, but part of the reason I've kept quiet about what's been going on these last few days is because all of the stupid comments that people keep offering me. One was to 'just keep networking'. Really? I'm curious, what the hell is it that you think I do every day? I sit on my ass and watch cartoons, smoke weed and play video games or something? Well, allow me to ruin that myth. I don't do drugs and I haven't played a video game in well over 3 years. I don't even own a gaming system. Hell, I don't even own a working DVD player.
"Everything will work out"
Notice that the only people who continue to give me this drivel are those that have things working for them? Well, it appears that way to me. And I'm wondering how they know. How could anyone possibly know that everything will work out? Now I'll grant you that I've seen some of my friends grow in ways that I didn't think were possible, and I'm happy for where they have been, where they are and where they are headed, it's an awesome thing to watch. But can we stop with the 'Go get em' attitude?
"It's okay to be frustrated"
Finally, someone understands. Go figure, it was my Ma. She listened to me the other day, after one of the most frustrating few days I've had in a long time. Infuriating, feeling cheated, knowing there are no real answers, and if there are any magic answers, they have been alluding me for quite some time.
I don't like to compare myself to my friends, mostly because right about now they all win. Make a checklist or columns of all the things I want in my life, they got it. They all win, and I lose. Like in a route. Not even close. It wears on me. How could it not? This is not to get your pity. It's mainly to state the obvious. I want my friends to have success, love and happiness. However, sometimes you get news and you shake your head. And maybe it's in the delivery of the news that hits you wrong to send you into a spite spiral.
Add to that the joy of getting spit on by my friends kid on Saturday, and my weekend was well on its way to sucking royally. Well, that and the forced apology that was required. Now I'm sure you're thinking I was spit up on, but no, this was a 5 year old boy who haucked a loogie on me. Yup, not much more indignity than that. Pretty much the most disrespectful thing that could happen. But it wasn't over. My computer crapped out on me Sunday.
Big Props to my boy Dan-O. He's my tech guy. I called him on Monday morning and he had a pretty quick diagnosis. Mind you, I can't do a damn thing without my laptop. But $100, a new hard drive, and a completely revamped O/S, I'm back up and running. Wish I had those pictures, and there is still a small chance that they can be recovered. I can only thank Dan-O in this blog and let him know he saved my bacon again.
"While everyone has their one definition of success there are thousands of ideas of what failure is"
Yup. Isn't there? This is one of the biggest reasons I don't judge myself against my friends 98% of the time. It's pointless, I end up feeling crappy, and like a lug. Put it to you this way-do you think I'm an idiot? A moron? A dumbass? Someone who despises work? Lacks the mental capacity to figure things out? Can't hold a conversation with a bread box? This is the crap that goes thru my head. Not just because I don't have a job-but because my living situation is a joke on top of it. I feel trapped. And while I'm pretty good on the scramble, the scramble is starting to become 'the way'. That ain't living. That's surviving.
Please, while I sometimes (sometimes people, not all or even most of the time) feel like I'm drowning, don't describe the water. I'm not looking for a hand out, merely a hand up. Enough with the notion that it's tough all over. Are you working? Contributing to your household? Tired at the end of the day due to work? Yeah, well I don't have any of that. I only get tired because of a job search, or dealing with rejection letter/email, one after the other.
I hope to one day look back on all of this and laugh, but now that ain't happening. I've been reviewing my choices in the last 18 months, both professionally and personally, and I have to tell you, I feel like a chump. I think I've wasted efforts on all sorts of fronts, spinning my wheels.
This is why I've said nothing in the last few days, I got nothing, yet I keep showing up for all sorts of others, no questions asked. No, I don't want praise or thanks, but after flipping off the ceiling the other night, I don't know what else to do. I just want folks to do the right thing, and not be so damn selfish. I realize that is probably far too much to ask, and I'm certain I could go on some long drawn out thesis of why people suck, but I lack the energy or the tenacity to even bother to put on my turn signal to go down that road. What's the point? People suck, and the assholes keep winning. I can't join 'em, they depress me. I choose instead to keep to myself. Not certain if that's the best idea, either. At 34, I have more questions than answers. And I'm tired.
You want my opinion on something? Fine, here it is-USC football should be given the death penalty. What they did under Pete Carroll we may never know how corrupt it truly was. Funny, they will hand back the replica Heisman trophy of Reggie Bush, but OJ's is still up in the trophy case? Welcome to the land of jacked up priorities. And with that, I'm out....
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Now playing: Big Punisher - The Dream Shatterer
via FoxyTunes
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