Okie Dokie...I've stated that I'll do more writing, and wouldn't you know it, I get writers block. Or, more likely, just down in the dumps. Why? Oh come on now. You don't have to be board certified to figure it out. But this is not a 'whoa is me' type entry. There are good things happening out there, my life is not like quicksand. Some things suck, and some things are great. And most of all, things are pretty much out of my control. So all I can do is plug along, hope and pray for the best, and let the chips fall where they may. (Apparently Thursday is Cliche Day)
Roommate Update
Honestly, I barely speak to the guy. It's just depressing or enraging. I've never met someone who is a grown child before, and blames his ills on all those around him without ever looking in the mirror. I'm well aware of why I do certain things and why I procrastinate on other things. I hate doing certain things, like ironing, for example. Add to that fact that I have nowhere to go, what's the point in ironing shirts? That's one strain of logic for you, right? However, it's backwards. Maybe if I iron said shirts I'll change my disposition and get some hope....it's a possibility. As for said roommate, he's full of crap. He states he'll quit drinking, but apparently only vodka...yet it's 4-8 beers a night. Uh, last I checked, same amount of alcohol in a 12 oz beer and a shot of booze, that's bartender 101 right there. He states he'll quit smoking dope, too. Yeah, right. A leopard doesn't change his spots. There are two things to consider when I decide to be selfish-1)I grew up with an alcoholic, and have no desire to repeat that existence. And 2)I'm sure some are reading this right now wondering why I still live here in this guys house. The answer is simple-I've got no where else to go. I don't have any income, and this is still better than sleeping in my car.
My Brother
Sometimes there is a good reason I don't live back east. My brother's ability to breathe is on the top of that list right about now. Look, I'm a Momma's Boy, and admit it proudly. I talk to my Mom every Sunday. Pretty much have since I moved out here oh so long ago. So when I talk to her and it gets relayed to me that he's turning into my Pops, it makes my blood boil. When I get told that he calls her names, mean and nasty things, I get downright pissed. Only I don't have the funding right now to get on a plane or gas up my car and go across the country and confront him. Let me be clear-I was back there 4 times last year and none of this went on in front of me. Why? Because he's a coward and would never think of going toe-to-toe with big brother. And let me be clear, I am bigger. He's taller, I'm much bigger than he. And a whole bunch meaner. Especially when it comes to my Mother. She wouldn't harm a fly. She's kind to strangers, a relatively happy lady. Yes she is depressed from losing the man she lived for, and she's working it out. But, who the hell calls their own Mother a cunt??? Do you have any idea how much that pisses me off? Mostly because the kid (kid, hell, he's 28 years old!) would never do that in front of me because he'd be knocked out. You don't talk to your own Mother like that. I know some that do, and I have no respect for them. So now, my brother has lost a lot from me. He will now get treated like the rest of my family, at arms length. I have more to say about what is going on with me and my job search, etc, but I will state that if what I'd like to see happen in the next year to 18 months, that kid is about to be on a very lonely island. I had a nice weekend up until my Mom called me back on Sunday night to hear this, and I almost got in my car to drive home and whoop his ass. Only problem is I'm broke, so that's a no-go. I can't even talk to him right now because it will go nowhere. He's made his decisions, and those decisions will have massive repercussions. I hope he's happy with how things are going to turn out. And here I was thinking I was a shitty brother. Man did I ever have that one wrong. He's a crappy human being right about now, not me.
About to be poor
Yup, it's coming down to it. I've been living broke for quite awhile, but it's about to become poor. If you don't know what that means, I'm glad for you. I'm not thrilled about it, believe me. And yes, I need something positive to happen on the job front. The funds are just drying up. I have to find out if I need to file for another emergency round of unemployment or if I need to file again. I'm pretty sure any tax refund I get won't be a whole bunch. It would have been nice to pay some stuff off with the money I won from fantasy football, but half of that money had to go to putting new tires and a battery in the car. Just the way things work out. I'm not even mad about that, I'm glad I did well enough at that so I didn't have to dip into my bank account to pay for it. It will all even out in the end.
My friends
I've been blessed, yeah I said it, blessed to have some great people step up for me. I have guys texting or calling me here and there just to say hey and keep things in perspective. One of my best friends has done his best to get me in front of some people to help me get hired. I've got others who just want to hang out and tell me to 'shut up' and show up. All that means is I don't like going out much when I know I can't afford to buy meals at a restaurant. And my friends tell me to can it and the beer is taken care of. I can stretch $10-$15 better than most. It's a skill I'm glad I have but wish I didn't have to use it this much. Thank goodness for the crock pot. I've had some fall by the wayside, and I understand how that can be, too. If I have nothing to offer other than my charming personality, I might not want to hang out with me, either. They'll be back when I can offer them something. I know, they aren't really friends. I'm well aware. And I know that my friends aren't there to find me a job, but friends are there to lift you up when you're not feeling so hot, to encourage you, and to be there thru the good and the bad. I've got some people that have stood beside me thru some ugly stuff, and I know that I'm lucky to have them around.
The job search
Well, it's tiring. More like mentally draining. I haven't had my hopes up and down so much since I was dating back in high school. Just when you think something great might happen, the job gets offered to someone else, or the hire date gets pushed out two months, or they seem really excited to meet you and then you never hear from them again. And then, how many times do you call but don't want to seem desperate? My rule for dating is two phone calls, spread out a week apart. If you don't hear back, move on. I don't think it's the same for jobs. I have no clue. I've been out of work more than I've worked in the past two years. It's disheartening. I'm ready and willing to work. This lack of work is effecting other aspects of my life. I don't feel too manly when I'm not earning. It's all in my head, for sure, but it still isn't a great feeling. I'm none too excited to sit here and doubt myself.
Is the door closed?
I think it is. What door? I think the door to me moving back east is closed and shut. It'll read like lyrics to a country song, but I don't think it's meant to be. My family doesn't seem to excited about the prospect, my boys back there will never change (sometimes that's a great thing, other times-well, not so much), no one wants to talk to me seriously about a job unless I'm already there-no matter how many times or ways I express that I'm not looking for a relocation package, and others just seem to keep me and that whole idea the same length you would keep a homeless person away from you on the 'T'. Look, the weather sucks, traffic is atrocious, people are pushy (I should know, I'm from there, and I'm called arrogant here-ha!), and the only real good reason to be there right now is an 11 month old ball of fun named Aiden (my lil' Godson, who's cuter every picture I see of him). My Mom and I have talked about her moving out here in a year or so. No, she's not living with me. But I haven't had any family around me out here, like, ever, and it would be great to have her near me. Yes, a plane ride is only 4 hours away, and I can call her, but my brother isn't taking care of her, or watching over her like he should. She's going to be 59 in a few weeks, but she'll be an old 59. New England does that to you. I'm 34, and some days it's like I'm damn near 50. Maybe it's because I'm an older sibling, maybe it's because I had to earn when I was 12. Who knows? I'm not willing to delve into that aspect of my life right now, just in case I uncover something that will take too long to recuperate from. I can't risk it.
My love life
Hahaha, seriously? What love life? I'm unemployed and don't feel so hot about myself. Add that to what's happened recently, and I'm shut down. I'm doing everything in my power to focus on finding an opportunity to make a living. Otherwise, what's the point? I can't put myself out there right now anyways. Why? Uh, let's just say I'm not in a position to at this point in time. Can we leave it at that?
My health
I won't lie to you my dear reader. My mental well-being is okay, for the most part. I have to remind myself to get out of the house on occasion. There are only so many job listings you can read and respond to and so many cooking shows you can watch. Seriously, watching the food network is like porn for the hungry. This whole exercise thing I've been trying has come back to bite me in the ass-well, more like knee, than I could have ever hoped for. By not really doing much for 3 years I think I let some scar tissue in my reconstructed knee build up. And now it's breaking up with a vengeance. So much so that my knee has blown up with some sweet swelling. And there's only so much advil a man can/should take. So now it's to rest the damn thing and work on my core exercises. Yeah for Yoga. Could also be my body telling me to take it easy. I still have my goal months away, but I'm starting to feel a little bit healthier. And I bought some organic oranges-I think I have a new favorite treat. I know, it sounds lame, but nothing wrong with eating fruit as a snack. Oh, and if I eat another salad I should be chucked in the rabbit cage any day now.
This too shall pass
I'm reminded of so many things my family and friends have taught me over the years, but right now I'm specifically remembering a talk my Pops and I had. He told me that I'll never be as great as my greatest day and never as bad as my worst day. And he is right. The measure of a man isn't how many times he gets knocked down, but how many times he gets up. I know you may think that while you were reading this that I'm giving up. Hardly. I'm also not asking if that's the best shot life has to give me. Because it's not. But I've got broad shoulders to wisk away despair, anger and pain. I'm older than I'm supposed to be, as evidenced by the gray in my beard and the lines on my face, but that doesn't mean there isn't a little kid excited for the next great roller coaster to come along. Some will ask, 'Why me?'. I ask 'Why not me?'. While I may have been stunned, shocked and/or hurt by recent events and discussions, that only means that something great is coming. How could it not? How would you look at it? I can't give up now. Cowards give up. Some fear failure. I see those that are afraid to try. Yup, I lead with my heart, and sometimes that doesn't work out so well. But, what if it does? How awesome would that be? What happens when you win? Some expect it. Others are shocked by it. I hope I know to realize when I've won.
Sports
I don't really feel like talking a whole bunch about them, really. I know, you're shocked. Well, in brief-The Bruins could use a tie right now, a win could be considered miraculous. The Celtics have the same issues as the B's-team health. It would be a wonder to see either team with their whole lineup healthy, bench rotation included. I'm glad I'm not a Vikings fan, because I watched the NFC Championship on replay the other day, and beside the lazy turnovers (no, not Favre's INT at the end of the 2nd half), there were way too many calls that would have caused me to question the integrity of the NFL. Yup, I said it. The SB is in 3 days, and I'm looking forward to watching a game I don't really care about. Whichever team wins will probably deserve it.
What else do you want to know? Ask, I've got nothing to hide-really.
Happy Thursday, and in case you didn't know about the tattoo I was talking about in my last post, it states 'To Thine Own Self Be True'......
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