Oh so much to talk about since my last posting, or since my last three postings. Don't worry, I'll get to the monumental Scott Brown win last night (now don't fret, it wasn't a win for Republicans, it was a win for Conservatives-yes, there is a difference), how things have seemed to shift in the sports world, and someone-please-stop some chick on the cover of People from getting any more surgery. I'll mention my job hunt, what the heck I've been doing the last two weeks, how I've got some folks I just don't understand, and quite frankly, don't want to.
Real quick, I got more than one text message and more than one phone call about my posting on relationships and what I see happening. Let me put this out there as a warning:
These are merely my thoughts and observations. It's what I'm seeing in my world on a daily basis. I'm certain you see it differently, it's what makes this whole crazy thing called life a beautiful thing. You don't have the right to not be offended. If you are, so be it.
Now that that is out of the way, I can circle back to some things. Maybe I'm not clear enough, not concise. Maybe I've rambled on and lost my point throughout my babbling. What I'm saying, after seeing it on further display this past weekend is the following-Men are a dying breed. And much like chivalry, women have helped kill it. Yup, I said it. Ladies, I have no doubt that you are more than capable of paying for dinner, picking up the tab, changing a tire...what I want to know is this...WHY? Is it to prove that you can? I already stated I have no doubt you can...but why do you want to do it? I get it, it's rare in this time that anyone would do anything out of the kindness of their heart or generosity. It's true, you know it, I know. Why else would a guy do something out of his way for you? He clearly wants something, right? FYI, I'm totally guilty of this. I'd be a complete liar and hypocrite to state otherwise. The goal, as always, is to get you nekkid. Think I'm lying, ask around. It's like the time when a woman told me her boyfriend said he hated porn-BS!
Eventually, however, I decided to stop. Yup, made a conscious decision that if I went out of my way for someone, it was because I wanted to be nice to them, not because I had some carnal desire hoping to get fulfilled. It's unreal what happens. I liken it to this, I just keep showing up. Not like a bad penny. Some people can't appreciate that reliability in a friend, and that's okay. It's the choice that person has made, and if anything, you can't hate on someone for being true to themselves...yup, there's that damn tattoo again.
So in the past few days I've called myself out. About what? Simple really. I think I've been a shitty brother, a crappy friend, an awful listener and sometimes out of touch person. The last one I can explain easily-if I'm not happy with what's going on in my life, I'd rather not drag anyone down with me. Sorry if that makes me the bad guy, but sometimes you just have to sort stuff out on your own.
Now, in my 2nd to last posting, I won't lie, it sucked. I almost wish I didn't write it. But it is what it is. It's out there. Yes, I could delete it, but for what? I decided to very briefly share a crappy day with you, my reader(s).
My last posting, in my mind, needed to be stated. I'm not knocking our President for his ability to quickly come to the aid of Haiti. What he did was fine. I want to know why it took 3 days to tell me what was going to happen after someone lit their twig and giggleberries on fire trying to blow up a plane on Christmas. And then another 3 weeks to tell me that, duh, it was a terrorist act? This is the crap that drives me nuts, no pun intended. I flew back to Denver after this nitwit and I didn't see a thing from TSA that was different. Not even a patting down of Grandma anywhere to be seen. I'd like to know why taxpayer money is being thrown around to so-call protect me and nothing is being done. Alas, no answers.
The Rundown:
1.The Job Hunt-I'm searching far and wide. Well, not too wide. If it's not a great concept, great company or I have to live in Chicago then the hell with it. Why not Chicago? Cubs fans are insufferable, it's too damn cold and I'm trying to lose weight, not eat my weight in pizza, italian beef sandwiches and Old Style beer. I'm still searching all over Denver and still a little back east. Not because I want to move back east, necessarily, but because there's a company out there that is honestly interested in me (I know, no one more shocked than me). There's a couple of companies out here 'taking a look' as well. I just keep plugging along looking for something. I do know that I'm getting to the end, I feel it. I'm also bored out of my scalp, as there are only so many cooking shows and sportscenter re-runs a man can watch. But I have learned how to make some great stuff...if I only had an oven that worked. Which brings me to...
2.The Living Situation-My roommate needs help. Not financially. He needs therapy. All the damn time I have to listen to how he's going to change his life, how he's quit drinking vodka (apparently drinking beer is A-OK, whatever), quit smoking herb, cleaning up the house, etc, etc...blah blah blah. It's all crap. He's fugazi, and not the band. It's gotten beyond old with me. I know for the most part he means well, but the actions and the words that get spewed out are much different than stated intentions. I need out of this place, for my own mental well-being, but at the moment I've got no other place to hang my hat. This will all change soon. It has to. Sorry if you think I'm being a downer, but I already grew up with an alcoholic and someone who had a chemical dependency. I called him Pops. I love my old man, but that doesn't mean I want to be around a bigger version of him out here. It's not good for my soul. It's why I don't mind...
3.What have I been doing?-Well, I haven't been where my mail gets delivered, that's for sure. I've been helping people out. I helped one old roommate by dog-sitting his bulldog. It's a win/win for me. I get to be away from the nuttyness that is my current living situation, get to be by myself, play with a dog, and let my mind, heart and soul repair. The best part? I can feel it. I feel like my batteries are recharged, my mind reset, my heart actually getting stronger. Oh, and I started running. MMM, it's more of a running, then gasping, then wheezing, then walking and repeating 4 times, but I'm out there trying. And right now, that's more than good enough for me. This week, I'm house-sitting for another friend. Kind of cool because he has a lot of land that he's using to farm, and it's like 15 minutes outside of Denver.
4.Wait, you're exercising?-Yes, yes I am. The guy that makes all the chubby jokes and mocks himself incessantly had finally had enough. I got up one morning and said the hell with it. I've also seen me naked, and man, it wasn't pretty. So I admit it, the first reason I started doing this is purely vanity. Look, I can't change the fact that I can't see without glasses or contacts (I'll wait until I have a job to consider Lasik, thank you), or grow hair out of my head anymore, but I can change the way I look. So that's what I'm doing. Eating better, getting in some type of activity everyday. That's it. I'll see what the results look like. It's helped with the stress, I can tell you that much. I still have it, but not as bad as it was two weeks ago. And that was the 2nd reason I'm doing this. I admit the first reason, vanity, is a bit much for even me to handle. But I had to admit to myself so I could admit it to you. I would love the opportunity to tell some fine young thang to get away, don't love me for my body, love me for my mind. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?
5.The added bonus-Clarity. Clarity to my mind. Look, some of us get rejected, be it a job, a friendship, a loan application, a relationship, whatever, and we lash out. I'm guilty, probably more guilty than anyone, of doing that. If I got hurt I wanted to hurt the person or thing that hurt me twice as much, like crush their spirit type crap. And face it, that's not right, on any level. Now, I'll either bite my tongue and say very little, or clam up. Those that know me know that seeing or hearing me speechless is something that rarely happens. But what purpose does it serve to go and 'cut' somebody up? It's what I used to be great at. I could just crush someone if I wanted to, and at times it felt good. But that feeling was brief. I've had to learn to sort out my own crap. And learn not to beat myself up over things that are out of my control. You work in, and then out.
Right now, good things are happening. How do I know? Simple. All I ever need is my 'juice' and I will keep fighting for the things that I want. I won't fight people for something they don't want or are afraid to try. As a tiny example, I'm still not eating brussel sprouts, I don't care how good they are for me. My real example is this-I had a friend of mine call me and ask me to look over their resume, tweak it if I wanted to. Uh, I wanted to. I made format changes and spelling corrections only, and emailed it back. She asked me because of 2 things-1)face it, I've been unemployed more than I've been employed since 2007, and 2)she knew I wouldn't BS her, I'd be straight up with her. And I was. She asked for any other advice, and I told her what I did back in September when I was in Boston-that I just showed up-in a suit, resume in hand-and asked to speak to someone about a job I had seen posted. She did that yesterday, and now she has a job. Who knew a moron like me had some advice that would be useful? Yup, that's my 'juice', helping someone get over the fear that some company wouldn't want them.
I've also had to come to grips with some things. Some good, some-well, not so much. Once you realize that it's not your fault for certain things, and you forgive yourself, the whole day seems to get a little bit brighter. If I've managed to help one person get over their fear, why can't I seem to get over my own? I know, I know-much easier to give advice than it is to take it. With that in mind, I've got to kick my own ass into gear and get back to doing stand up comedy. I loved it, I even liked the butterfly in my stomach feeling, almost. I also have to keep writing, be it this blog or on some other avenue. And since I'm on my 3rd laptop since I said I was going to write my book/screenplay/nonsense, now seems like as good of a time as any.
Now that all that personal stuff is out of the way..HOLY CRAP did you see what happened in Massachusetts last night???? Now I know some people hate to say 'I told you so', but I'd be lying if I said I was one of those people. If certain people have the Midas touch, what does our President have? He's mush-ed the Olympics, the governor's race for New Jersey and Virginia, and now he can add the Senate seat for Mass. Make no mistake, this is not a referrendum for Republicans. This is a call to say 'knock it off and stay out of my life and wallet, pronto'. I said it a year ago, and it's coming true. It's all more of the same since he got into office. Namely, this healthcare crap has got to go. The most disgusting display of backdoor politics any of us have seen in awhile, from the king of transparency, is the deal he cut with the unions. So, let me get this straight, you're in the union-you don't pay taxes. If you're not in the union and have the same health care coverage, you have to pay taxes. So much for equal justice under the law, huh?
Hopefully, our senators and representatives will start to listen to the people and start getting things done that we need. No more special interests, no more back room deals, no more crippling small business. If someone sucks at their job, get rid of 'em. If it's that way for the rest of us, why shouldn't it work that way for the people who voted them in? I'm just sayin'.
I've got other ideas on this stuff, but I'm happy for my country. Yes, we may be screwed up, but we're still the best screwed up thing going.
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