So where have I been?

Simple, I've been 'away'. What does that mean? It means I took a mental siesta, for like 2+ weeks. I'm tired of trying to fix people's problems. I'm truly thankful for my friends. I've had a few still checking in on me. I asked for something truly spiritual and received it. I also learned a HUGE lesson about myself. And I learned a huge lesson about life and people.

What else? I've apparently lost my fantasy football mojo-which, since I'm single, kinda sucks the big one. Last year I could do no wrong. This year? I'm Mush. I will not bore you to tears with that stupidity. I firmly believe that people that talk about or write about fantasy football other than in those forums is a dipshit.

I'm still trying to figure out where I want/need to be, be it here or back in Boston. I find it very funny that certain people want me in certain places, but don't or won't ask me what it is that I want. Why is that funny? Because it's what they want, not necessarily what I want. Funny how that works, isn't it? This is what I was talking about earlier-the lesson about life and people. It's this notion of fairness. Most of us, and I'm included in this, only think of fairness when it pertains to us, and our feeling of being treated unfairly. We rarely think of the other guy. Why? Because we're all selfish to some degree. It's okay if you disagree with me, but are you treating my notion fairly?

As for fixing people's problems, I'm out of that business. If you want my ideas on what you should do, feel free to ask, but I may not care enough to answer. Or you may get the full answer you weren't looking for. Simple really. I keep getting the same questions asked of me, and while the person asking the question may be the same, it's by virtually the same person. Should you or shouldn't you? How the hell should I know? Why oh why am I the everyman? Ladies, I don't know why he won't call you. I have an idea, and someone was kind enough to write a book about it, maybe you've heard of it..'He's Just Not That Into You.' There, I said it. Here's what I know in my heart to be true. If I truly want to be with someone, I'll do everything in my power to make that happen. Come hell or high water. I won't play games, as I'm not good at them and think they are foolish. Why does he, whomever he is, do it? Because he's a fool. Now, do you feel better? Or maybe it was because you gave it up on the first date. I have no clue why another man does what he does. I know only what my motivations are. I live by many creeds in my life, hell, I even tattooed one of them on my arm, "To Thine Own Self Be True". It's Shakespeare, and it's badass too. I don't live to step on others to get to where I want to be. I believe in lifting others up and bringing them along for the ride. And not stepping on their neck to get to some other place that's supposedly better. I don't think you end up in a better place by doing that, I think you hurt yourself in the long run. We tend to look short term rather than long term. I myself look longterm. It's what I look for in a career, a life decision, a potential date, my bills, everything. I think you should pay your friends back before you pay off your credit cards. Why? Chances are they've helped you in some way, be it listening to you drag on and on about some nitwit you're dating, 'I can save him', or buying you a cup of coffee. Pay your debts. And say thank you, for crying out loud. And please oh please, stop asking me why your friend with benefits or boyfriend or guy you're screwing isn't being attentive. There's an easy answer, here it is-because he doesn't have to. You set your own boundaries and expectations in your head, but you probably never told him what they are. If you did and he doesn't respect them, toss him like yesterday's chicken salad. But if you didn't tell him, cut him some slack and tell him. See, this is why I resigned my position as general manager of the universe. There's no payoff, and all you get is a headache. It's why I needed a brain break. People kept driving me nuts.

The Spiritual thing. First, allow me that we've all had the following go thru our head when things aren't going so hot:

Now, we can choose (yeah, I said it-choose) to be in a pissy mood, and let that snowball into the quicksand that is a pissing and moaning day, week, month or lifetime. Or, you can smile thru the crap, giggle at yourself, and for God's sake, cut yourself a break. I say this only to relay to you that I asked for something, and that while I kept asking for it every day, it happened. No, I didn't get a job. That's materialistic. I asked for something to go away, to get out of my head, out of my heart. It was something that was crippling me, in almost every facet of my life. No, I don't have an addiction to booze or drugs, or pills or porn. It's just something that needed to be dealt with, forgiven, whatever. I wanted it gone, as it was following me around like a black cloud and not allowing me to figure things out and find what it is I'm doing. It's like my mind and thought process were paralyzed. I'd get to a point and then things would seize up like a bad engine. That is frustrating, and it tends to feed on itself. Let's just call it non-healthy and be done with it. But I haven't felt this good about things in a long time. My head is clear and my heart is pure, how could it be bad? It can't.

The thing that I learned about myself? That right about now, I need to get more than 5 hours of sleep. Depending on the day. I know that I've been teetering on some emotional stuff lately, but that's the funny thing. If I don't get enough sleep, the emotional stuff comes out more easily. Look, I know it's okay to cry and all that. I'm just not a huge fan of weeping like a blubbering fool in public. Alone? Sure thing. Now, I know all this because I keep noticing that I tend to get real 'misty' when I don't get enough sleep, I'll cry at Kung Fu Panda, for reals. But in this case, I went to a memorial for a friend's Mom. Look, while I only met her once, I know what it's like to lose a parent, and she lost her Mom to lung cancer, the same way that I lost my Pops. Well, after staying up all night trying to help my soon-to-be married friend burn music (another travesty and a whole other barrel of monkeys), I only got like 4 hours of sleep. Well, I heard my friend and her sister talk about her Mom, and it reminded me of Pops-how could it not? Then her nephew, all of 7, got up and spoke about how much he missed his Gramma. Yeah, you try not to cry. In my case, at least I wasn't blubbering. But I felt bad. How could you not? It was a touching thing, and you feel bad for someone losing a parent by something that, for the most part, is avoidable. How do I know? Look up the stats on those that get lung cancer, and then how many were smokers? Well, her Mom was and my Dad was, too. Don't smoke, your chances of getting lung cancer go down quite a bit. I even got a gift for showing up. Apparently, lung cancer has a color for a ribbon. I had no idea. Pink is for breast cancer, and white or clear has been designated for lung cancer. So I now have a white band around my right wrist that states 'Cancer Sucks' on it. If you know me at all, it's very appropriate.

As for my friends, I know that like they are in my heart, I am in their heart. I send them texts, or call and leave a voicemail. I know everyone is busy, and I mock them for it. Because most people aren't nearly as busy as they think. I know that something that plays over and over in my head is a conversation my Dad and I had, maybe 3 or 4 years ago, right after I quit my job. I was at home for Christmas, and we were discussing work, commutes, stupid folks that you have to work with, mean people, just nasty stuff of why one would work in certain conditions. And he told me that no one ever sat there on their deathbed wishing they worked more. How many stories or movies or books have you come across where the message has been family, or to not take yourself too seriously? I guess that's why when I'm doing my job search, I know now what I can and cannot tolerate. I've already turned down 2 interviews in the last month, because they weren't a fit for me. I'd be a miserable prick in 3 months if I had taken either of those roles, how does that help me be a better man? I firmly believe that everyone is given certain gifts, be it the ability to listen, or help heal others wounds, or to motivate people to be the best of their own potential. I think that one of my gifts is the ability to make people laugh, or at least laugh at themselves. We all need to lighten up.

I assure you, there will be no politics in this blog posting. It's too tiring, and they all should be replaced. I will tell you that I have more friends than I ever thought I would. I'm not nearly as mean and as nasty as I've been portrayed nor put out there. Those days are in the past. I can probably still get nasty with the rest of them, but I no longer see the purpose.

I went out to a Rockies game a few years ago, and I got to see a glimpse into my past. My friend's son just turned 21. Remember 21? Remember how you were going to set the world on fire? Remember how you were going to be different, change things, shake it all up? Remember being an expert, yet not knowing the question? I do. I also remember slowing down at 24 and not allowing myself to enjoy my 20's. Thing is, I can't get those years back. And since I don't believe in making up for lost time, just live. Every man dies, but so few live. The 21 year old kid is a good egg, too smart for his own good, and an expert on everything. I giggle at that last part. At 33, I'm convinced I know less and am more comfortable with that than anything else. Oh, and the kid has horrid breath. I mean, it could peel paint. Here's to hoping I don't run into him at a loud bar where he has to talk close..tic tac?

For something amusing, I will explain to you my field trip to the unemployment office. After my trip back to Boston, I was looking forward to seeing my funds in my bank account. To no avail. When I called to find out what was going on, I was told I had to sign up for something else. Funny, I was certain when I was at the employment office I asked if I had to do anything else and was told, 'No'. Not that big a deal, it's only a 10 minute drive. Yet, while I had this thought all throughout most of my adult life that I wasn't a class warrior, the opposite is true. You present an image every time you walk out of your house. Some days it's to Target, so who cares? Well, the employment office, I'd think you ought to care. I could not have been more wrong. Allow me to state the following-I could've not showered for a week, let a dog take a crap on my front porch and let that petrify for a week, where that as a hat, and still smelled better than the rest of the people, sans the folks working there, in that employment center. I wanted to particularly ask the guy 2 seats (!) away from me if he just used a bunch of cigarette butts as a facecloth, because he reeked. Calling him a dirty ashtray would've been a step up. Funny, because when my name was called, I was apologized to 3 times for the 10 minute wait. I don't have a job, I've got nothing but time, but this poor woman thanked me for my patience and for being clean. Can you even fathom that? I asked her if she would hire any of these folks the way they were dressed, she just gave me a look that was beyond priceless. So much for pride, I guess.

I have a question for the clowns at ESPN...so the Boston Bruins have the best goalie, best defenseman and the best coach, but you put the Blackhawks on the cover? You celebrate Patrick Kane?? The kid who just punched a cab driver in Buffalo over 20 cents? Did I miss something? Was this a regional thing? If that's the case, can I get the California cover to see the San Jose Sharks, they were pretty good last year, if memory serves.

So what else? Not too much, family is family, friends are friends, I've got a wedding that I'm in on Saturday, and I can honestly say that after watching what my friend is going thru, I really do wonder what all the hub-bub is about. He's driving himself nuts about the littlest of details, the things that he'll never even remember once Saturday comes. The forecast calls for snow...is that good luck? I don't believe in luck when it comes to matters of the heart. Timing? Now that's something I firmly believe has to be right, or it'll never happen. I'm happy I get to be a part of his wedding party, kind of surprised that he pulled me aside and told me I should've been his best man, but due to family obligations, well, I know. All in all it's been a good year, I have a Godson and shoulda been a best man. Maybe I've been doing things okay all along and don't need to question the details. My friends love me for who I am, not for who I'm not.

I could bore you with a baseball playoff preview, or go on and on about the NFL, but right now there's no point. When it comes to sports, we cheer for laundry. I know, me of all people, sports isn't my #1 thing. Maybe this time that's a good thing.

Have a great Wednesday...I know it's October, but I'm going to crank out more blogs, I assure you...I have a goal in mind for the year.