It's time for a Big Blog

So it's been a few days since I've last blogged. Sue me. I've actually been busy. And after my friends wedding last weekend, I got a cold. I hate colds. And it was all my own damn fault, too. I had a few instances where even I thought, 'ya know, I should have a sweatshirt or a coat on right about now.' To no avail. Add to that the wedding was up in the mountains and we went from next to a fireplace to outside (twice!!) and I ran around like a nutjob, I'm kind of happy that I only got a cold. It could've been worse.

I wrote down a bunch of stuff yesterday after I got home from a meeting in Boulder (God Damn Hippyville, yeah-I went there). These are all random, and in no particular order. Sorry, it's early, I haven't written in awhile, and there's a lot to accomplish today. The coffee has been brewed, so here we go...

While at this meeting yesterday, it happened again. And it always happens. The only time it doesn't happen is when I'm at home, because I'm alone. What am I talking about? I swear on my Mom that I have this innate ability to catch people doing the most disgusting things. Years ago I caught some guy digging in his schnoze like there was a prize in a box of cracker jack. I catch people picking at their face. It's gross, so why do it in public? Well, yesterday may have been the topper. And in all seriousness, once I catch someone, I can't not look at it. It's like when the waiter tells you that the plate is hot, and your dumbass still has to touch said plate, as if the waiter lied. So what did I see? The woman sitting next to me decided that in the middle of this presentation that now would be a great time to pop that giant zit in the middle of her forehead. Outstanding. I love a good extraction, let's see what kind of game she has. Well, I honestly was intrigued by the topic of the presentation, so I missed the extraction, but when I finally looked out of the corner of my eye, well, let's just say it was a bleeder. I proceeded to enjoy the next 10 minutes of watching this woman check her head wound. And I wrote in my notes, on the margin, 'Why do I have to catch people doing the most disgusting stuff???' Wouldn't you question this ability? I like to consider myself bright at times, charming to a point, often opinionated, and an authority on all things bacon. But why oh why do I always catch people doing this stuff?? I don't want to see anyone diggin' in their nose for buried treasure, yanking their big drawers out of the crack of their ass, clipping toenails, or popping zits. Can't people figure out that this is better done at home? Or are these just more examples of people losing their collective sense of decorum?

The New York Jets. I now have a football team I hate. I look back, and I haven't hated a team like this since Indianapolis a couple of years ago. Maybe it was all the kneeling and sucking at the mantle of Manning and Dungy and the lack of props that my Pats got. But now, the New, ahem, Jersey Jets are in my crosshairs. After thinking they won the Super Bowl after a week 2 wins against the Pats, things aren't going so hot. And now the true colors are coming out. I liken the Jets and their coach, Fatass Rex Ryan (dude tips the scales at 6'4" and 350, you got a better nickname?) are the big bully in the school yard. Or the kid that is two years older than everyone but in the same grade. Nothing like a kid that can drive in the 8th grade. Well, what did you learn about bullies? God Bless my old man, he told me that if I couldn't break 'em down with vicious rhetoric, sock 'em in the nose. I've talked my way out of plenty of fights, but every once in awhile, you have to nut up and sock a bully in the nose, pull his shirt over his head and pound the living crap out of him....and to think, I never played hockey! Anyways, back to the media darling Jets. I hate their portrayal. I hate the phony swagger. I hate that everyone blew their rookie QB. They now stand at 3-2, having lost 2 straight on the road. And after their loss this past Monday night they are still chirping and talking smack. Uh, you lost. SSHHHHH. Now, I have no skin in the game they just played against the Dolphins, other than my brother is a huge Dolphins fan. And I now hate the Jets. They called Miami's wildcat offense 'gimmicky'. I'm sorry, is this the same offense they've been running for over a season? The same offense you watched a ton of tape on? The same offense than ran over that vaunted defense for I swear, 5-6 yards a carry? The same offense that lined up for the last 10 yards and hit you square up the middle for the go ahead score? Now it's 'gimmicky'? Shut up, really. Just stop. Then Fatass has the nerve to blame his practice squad. Uh, the practice squad you put together, coach? That same one? Wow. How 'bout the mirror, dummy? How about looking in the mirror, and then at your team, admitting you got outplayed, then trying to do better the next time when you meet them in a couple of weeks? For now, like always, you are what your record says you are, you're a 3-2 team. Now shut up and concentrate on this week's opponent who you ought to maul, the Buffalo Bills. Because if the Bills play you close for even 3 quarters, then I'll know everything I need to know, and the Jets are exactly who I think they are. They'd be the bully in the school yard who only needs to be socked in the nose, and then it's all over.

Pass along this information to all your single male friends. I'm only stating it once. Ladies appreciate confidence. The line between confidence and cockiness is not nearly as fine as others have made you believe. It's pretty damn thick. Don't be a douchebag and you'll be amazed at how things work out. Don't be a cock-blocker or a hater. Be confident in yourself and it is unreal how things turn out. If she's not interested, her loss. At the very least, it's her loss on a free cup of coffee, a drink or a meal. Go spend your time on someone else. This ain't that hard, but we all tend to get caught up in our own crap. Just my two cents on how to stop the shitspiral.

I go to about 1 movie a year. I don't like crowds, I hate that people's cell phones light up even if they were kind enough to put them on vibrate. Are you going to be in surgery soon? No, okay. Any family member you need an immediate update on? No, okay...then turn off the damn phone. That being said, I already saw 'The Hangover' earlier this year, and it was awesome. Now there is a movie that came out yesterday that I'm seeing in the theatre, by myself. 'Law Abiding Citizen' looks too damn badass to me not to go see. And it looks like there could be some dark comedy moments along with vindication, or vindictiveness, in it. I'm in. Why? I firmly believe in people getting what's coming to them.

Hallelujah!!!! Did you see it last night? Me neither, and I'm so happy. No longer will the stupid New York Yankees be allowed to make the 7th inning stretch last 17 minutes. Why? Because the assclown that drowned out 'God Bless America' is reportedly gone. I hate that Major League Baseball would allow his shenanaghans to go on every year the NYY were in the playoffs (reminder, they weren't last year). It just screamed unfair. Say your pitcher is working on a gem in the middle of October at Yankee Stadium, and now has to sit an extra 15 minutes while this guy sings about America. You can't bitch, because it makes you look unpatriotic. It's actually genius, and I'd be psyched if I were a Yankees fan. But the mere thought makes my skin crawl. Being a Yankees fan is like rooting for the house in blackjack (credit goes to Bill Simmons for that line). After you read the link, remember this-while I can't stand people who are anti-semites, or homophobes, etc. you must know your place. Guess where you should never say a bad thing about Jews? New York City. That shit may fly in Arkansas, but not in the northeast part of this country. Go bash a Baptist in Louisiana and see how well it goes over.

The Balloon kid. By now you've seen the footage, read all the stuff online, seen that the father set off the balloon, and had to know his son wasn't in the damn thing, especially with the video being shot from what appears to be the view of a 6 year old. My thoughts? This family puts the fun in dysfunctional. That he's a media whore and wanted attention. That he made people care and show compassion. That he made Denver's airport scramble all sorts of flights. That I want to know how many emergency crews were on this wild goose chase. That I want to know the bill as a taxpaying citizen of this state. That I want the bill stapled to his forehead and his children taken away from him and his nutjob wife. That anyone that pimps their own kid out to the world like this deserves general population prison time. That his show on one of the morning programs was fantastic in its shittyness, he was tired of being asked if it was a hoax. Buddy, I know bullshit, and that sir, was complete and utter bullshit. Your kid hurling on TV was the definition of priceless, I only wish he had hurled on you instead of being kind enough to ask for a bucket. I also hope that those whose wheat crop you ruined by having all these emergency crews race for your kid sue your ass off for lost revenue. I hope you get everything coming to you.

On the political front, I think the only thing I'm going to start insisting on, if people try to engage me in any type of conversation, is the following-What do you think? What is your philosophy? I'm tired of the he said, she said finger pointing and race baiting. It's beyond old and stale. I'm also done with the whole notion of previous Presidents. I don't want to hear any more dyed-in-the-wool democrats or republicans telling me, "well, Bush did this..." or "well, Clinton did this..." I don't care. I care about what is happening right now. Right now, our country is in deep shit. And while the two previous morons did a fantastic job of messing things up, this new 'Savior' has done so much damage in such a short time that history is not going to judge his first year too kindly. Nor should it. And don't go calling me a racist because I despise the man's policies. Puh-lease. I guarantee I have more hip-hop on my ipod than he does, so can it. Besides, he's not even 100% black, yet he's claimed completely by the black community. Or did you forget that his Mother is white? So please, kill all that noise. Even Obama himself has stated that he doesn't think all the commotion against his policies have to do with race. Sorry, I never liked the universal health care plan when Hillary touted it back in 1994. And I was only a freshman in college. You want my belief on this one? Fine, here it is. Take care of yourself, take care of your family. The government isn't here to make sure you never fail. It happens. My old man died from lung cancer. Completely preventable, don't smoke. No history in my family of cancer. There is now. If he didn't have health care coverage, he would have been dead earlier. Yes, it's cold. But you and I both know it's the truth. I have people in my life that I love that have cancer, and it sucks. Sucks because there is nothing I can do. Yes, I can donate to the cause, walk for a cause, hold raffles, etc. But I swear if you told me if I donated every dime I make in the next 5 years and it would cure cancer, I'd ask you where do I sign. But I want it cured, every kind. Done and eradicated. But here's another thought, and one that I'm okay with. Say I went to go get my own health insurance and by some scale they tell me I'm obese (who knows, I may be on some scale. I'm only 5'10" and I'm around 250), so I have to pay extra. Would I bitch? Nope, I'd either go without or I'd pay the fee. But I'd also ask what the magic number for my weight to be to knock down the fee. Then I'd weigh the choices I make. Right now, for example, I've make the decision not to drink, period, until my birthday. Why? Because I've done nothing but drink beer to excess for the last 2 months. All it is doing is giving me empty calories. If not for this lovely cold, I'd have been out running this past Monday. Instead, health willing, I'll be out trucking my fat ass around the park behind my house starting this Monday. And it's my call. No doctor told me to start running. I'm tired of being tubby. My call. Like I stated before, take care of yourself, and you'll be amazed at how things turn out. And leave me alone with your political crap. I don't care about the past too much, I care about now and how it will affect the future.

Speaking of the future and healthcare, the Baucus bill apparently went thru the Senate Finance Committee. Except there's nothing in it. What the hell is this, DC Madlibs? Look, I trust my 7 month old Godson before I trust these nitwits with my money and health. You passed a bill in committee without having the skeleton done? Why is this so necessary if it won't start until 2013? What am I missing here? In all seriousness, these clowns in DC are going to learn in the next election how tired people, both democrats and republicans, are tired of their collective act. Enough is enough, stay out of my house and out of my wallet.

The new Jay-Z album is tight.

The job front. Well, the well is running dry. I was up for a sales job in Denver, dealing with Business Intelligence. And here we go again. I don't have enough experience. So I asked the question that needed to be asked. If you owned a business, or ran a sales dept., which would you rather have-the person who barely made his number over 5 years, or the guy who shattered his number in a shorter period of time, who keeps his knowledge up, with plenty of contacts still in that realm? Well, I have my answer. They'd rather have the 5 year guy. Seriously. That was the answer I got. So, I can put that company on the list of companies whose ass I'm kicking going forward. Why? Because their logic is flawed. I'm a freaking rock star, and they want the tamborine player. Have it your way. I just won't recommend your product or anyone that sells it.
I'm still in discussion with one company back in Boston. And if they give me what I want, I have two words for Denver, "I'm Gone"!
I'm in the beginning stages of opening up my own brand and business. I'd be partnering with a good friend of mine, and the sky could be the limit. And the bonus of all bonuses-I'd be my own boss. It's a little scary, but if you change the way you've been thinking, it could be awesome. Here's what I mean...when thinking about this, I've only been looking at the negative side of the equation, which is I could fail miserably, be broker than broke, and have to start again from zero in the bank account. But that's the wrong way to go about this. What if I succeed? What does success look like? For you and me, it's different. So I'm thinking about the short, mid and long term ideas of what success can look like. It might be material. But for me, it's my idea of security, my idea of paying for things and not worrying about the hit my bank account takes. Flying back east on a whim. Going to Vegas whenever I feel like.
Now this job back in Boston? I only go back if I get everything I want. I'm not starting low on the totem pole. I'm going for the job I applied for. It may be a little bit out of my range, but if you dont' reach, how the heck will you ever know? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I kind of feel sorry for the people that play it safe. I wonder if they ever feel alive.

Screw GE and their hypocrisy. Let me see if I have this straight-you literally pimp for Obama, attribute wrong quotes to someone, and then tell me to go out and get flourescent light bulbs. Kiss my ass. Get bent. You line up with race pimps, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, and then have the nerve to bash a commentator? You have a commentator with ratings that would get most fired, yet put him on your Sunday night NFL show? I'm so glad I quit that damn company. I wish Jack Welch would walk back in there and smack someone. Just so we're clear here, I could care less if Rush Limbaugh gets to own the Rams. But be clear on this-he wanted to keep the team in St. Louis. Someone else might want to move them, to LA. But because quotes that can't be attributed to him are out there, purpotrated by guys like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, the new head of the NFLPA DeMaurice Smith (also-he's buddies with Obama) says this would be bad. Except the NFLPA has no say in who gets to be an owner. You trust what Al Sharpton says? Really. Google Tawana Brawley and see what you get. Reverend Al still hasn't apologized to the police for lying. And Jesse? Please, stop. Read this book and get back to me. The guy who fathered a kid out of wedlock? The guy who stole the mantle once MLK died? The guy who makes sure his kid has the best distributorship for Budweiser? Stop, seriously. All Rush Limbaugh ever said was Donovan was an average QB, and if he wasn't black the media wouldn't fawn all over him. And you know what? When that comment was made he was right. Get over it. He's a commentator, that's it. Funny, but Marge Schott owned a baseball team in Cincinnati while she had a Nazi Swastika flag hanging in her living room. Who's more dangerous? But once again, GE and their NBC hate machine can get away with whatever, because they have the airwaves. I'm cool with the revolution not being televised. Just be fair, that's all I ever ask for.

Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his 'vision'. Wow. I got nothing else. Other than 'The Razzies' now have more clout in my mind than this group of halfwits. The man has literally done nothing, and yet you give him an award. At least Al Gore made a mockumentary.

Can someone explain to me the comedic contribution of Russell Brand and Dane Cook?
In a related note, there is a rumor that Joe Rogan has moved to Denver. I really do hope to run into him and speak with him. His undressing of Carlos Mencia is epic. While I may not agree with all the things he says, I do appreciate his candidness and honesty.

I'm outta steam. Hopefully you enjoy the ranting and raving. One last note, the comedy starts back up next week. After this wedding last week there is way too much stuff in my head not to discuss some things in front of an audience.

Have a great rest of your weekend. I'll write about the wedding in the next week, I promise.

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