The Massengill's

Yup, it's time for a new award section. MTV can have their Video Awards (when did they start playing videos again?), you can enjoy the Hollyweird Cock-gobblin' that is the Oscars (after awarding Spiccoli his award this year for partially portraying a gay pedophile, I'm done), but now, after all this time, I have my own hardware (?), or is it software (considering it's made for girls parts, I dunno?), and it's time to had out some awards. I call them The Massengill's, because it sounds classier than 'The Douchies'. My blog, my writing, my awards. Don't like 'em, find, nominate your own. On to the awards. I'm handing out a few....

and The Massengill goes to....
Brett Favre and the ESPN crew calling last Monday night's game. Why? Did you not see the illegal hit he put on Eugene Wilson's knees? If not, well, that's why I'm here:


Now, riddle me this---"That's not cool." WHAT? Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden and Ron Jaworski, that's the best you can come up with? How about dirty, shameless, weak, unnecessary, or better yet, downright cowardly? There, those are stronger words than 'not cool'. Come on, Tirico, you went to the 'Cuse!! Jaws you used to play in the NFL, dammit! And Gruden, you played QB in college and won a Super Bowl with Brad stinkin' Johnson, and that's all this booth can come up with?! Sure hope you guys get to call a Steelers game when Hines Ward does the same thing.

The Mega-Massengill (feel free to call it the SuperGa-Douche if you'd like) goes to...
Brandon Marshall....roll the clip!

For the record, this woman-beater is scheduled to make a pittance of $2.2 Million. Geez, as a guy who's not working, I sure do wish I were 6'4" and run like a gazelle, because I'd take that money and buy my Moms a house. Did I call him a woman-beater? Yes, yes I did. Just because this giant baby in grown mans clothes was acquitted recently doesn't mean he hasn't, didn't or won't hit a woman again. Ladies of Denver, take note. If you want to get smacked around, Brandon is single. If you're smart, you'll find a different dating pool. So glad I'm not a Broncos fan, or I'd strongly have to consider why I am. I get it, he wants a trade, but is this the best way to do it, by acting beyond immature? Where is the veteran presence on this team to tell him to knock it off, play out your season, and go get paid next season as a free agent? And in a year where there will be no salary cap? I hope he gets "Keyshawn'd" and the only team that looks at him is Oakland.

The MegaExtreme Massengill (call it whatever you want) goes to....
Patrick Kane. Why? Because he and his cousin beat up a cab driver over 20 cents. I'm broke and can rub 2 dimes together. And this is potentially one of the up and coming stars in the NHL? Look, Sidney Crosby may donkey punch someone in the beanbag, but at least that's during a game. Kane states he's sorry for the incident. I wonder if he's just sorry or sorry he got caught doing something asinine.

And finally...The Big Giant Hot Water Bottle/Bag Hangin' on the back of your Grandma's Bathroom Door Massengill (The SupercalifragalicsticDouche) goes to....
Rick Pitino. Why? So many reasons, that if I type them out my own eyes might explode out of their respective sockets. First, the impromptu press conference last week:

Now, a full disclosure statement-I can't stand this man for bending over my beloved Celtics and trying to shove Red Auerbach out the door oh so many years ago. That's out of the way. Did any of you watch this whole thing? He brought up Ted Kennedy, 9/11 and the economy to attempt to sidestep the big problem. And what would that be? That he lied, and got caught. Yes, he was the 'victim' of an attempted blackmail. But he also paid for her abortion. He also lied to his family, and most importantly, to his wife. Hey Rick, for lying to your spouse and trying to use other folks' problems, issues and malady's, you my friend get the Biggest Douche Ever Hall of Fame nomination. For me, it's the lying and cheating on your spouse stuff. And you banged her at an Applebee's, maybe even in the bathroom. What are you, 20 years old in a fraternity? Allow me to state the obvious-I hope this kills you in recruiting, when you're in front of a single Mom and her potential millionaire son trying to get him on scholarship at Louisville, I hope an opposing coach brings this up, so then this Mom brings it up. And you have to squirm to try and BS your way out of what happened, because it's in black and white now, it's on YouTube. While you may have been potentially blackmailed, had you kept your penis in your pants and not cheated on your wife, none of this would have happened. And for you to try and pin this back on society is sickening. Your wife should toss you out with that awful white suit of yours, and you claim you went home to comfort her after things were put on the news. Keep your unit on ya, and this never happens, yet it's time to play the blame game. How dumb do you think we are?

Others receiving votes-ABC's crew for last night's Bama/VaTech game (don't make me wait 3 minutes to see a replay, get with it), LeGarrette Blount, The US Congress and it's members who keep calling people Nazis (at least 6 million people died for their religious beliefs, stop demeaning genocide because someone doesn't agree with you), Offensive Coordinators in the NFL, George Lopez for the first 18 minutes of his latest HBO special (like an infomercial for La Raza, charming), and whatever company keeps calling me about the warranty about my '05 Altima (I got rid of it a year ago, leave me alone already!)

To those that are working and have tomorrow off, enjoy! To people like me trying to find work, you enjoy the day as well, but get on it bright and early Tuesday!!!