The Truth....

Does it really set you free or do you just feel better after unloading it? My reason for asking is simple-I've had people asking me questions the last two weeks, and I've pulled no punches, but was asked how I was doing last night at a fundraiser, and my reply was simply 'Are you asking to be polite or because you want to know?'

You may think me a jerk for asking that question, but let me just point out that the same question gets asked about a million times a day, and I'd be willing to bet 99% of it is just out of politeness.

Sure enough, right after I was told it was genuine did I get steamrolled out of a conversation. And it's fine, that's not what has me fired up. This is not a pity party either. I guess this is me putting it out there, on notice, if you will, that I'm taking a break, or resigning. I'm resigning my role as General Manager of all the bullshit. I no longer have the capacity, tenacity nor temerity with which to keep on keepin' on for all my friends.

Friendship is a two-way street, and some have quite frankly made it one way. Well, that one-way is now closed, you can claim the 'W', because I refuse to stand around and get kicked in the gonads for the umpteenth time.

You bet, I'm fed up. And I'm really tired of people who claim they know me not noticing the signs that I'm in trouble, that I've asked for help, and they refuse even so much as an invite to hang out, respond to an email or even, God forbid, a text message. And don't go giving me that, "I've been busy" crap, either. No one is that busy. Not for true friends, not for all the times I've had their collective backs. Not for all the times I've checked in and cared. And this is not a 'scoreboard' type issue. I'm just fed up. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, went for a walk, and then came home to 2(1) voicemails telling me 'sorry I forgot about you, but there's something going on this weekend, it would be great if you could....' You assholes want my help, after forgetting all about me? That takes some serious balls, people.

I'm sure some are reading this and thinking, 'Wait, he's in trouble?' Yes, I'm admitting it. I'm in deep shit right now. There, it's been stated. Why? Simple, in the last week I've had more crap hit me than I could imagine. And here's the thing, a certain HUGE thing has very recently hit me. This grieving cycle has finally come knockin' on my door, and it's making itself quite comfy the last few days. How comfy? Well, I'd really appreciate it if my tear ducts would shut it down for awhile. I'm simply broken at the moment, and it's not that I don't care for or about anybody else, but I swear, as lame is this sounds, a freaking hug that was sincere would be much appreciated.

Instead, the man who is the self-proclaimed worse poker player ever (that would be me) gets to get steamrolled during a simple conversation. Well, no more. I've had enough of being an afterthought. If I am not good enough to be thought of in the beginning, don't worry about me at the end. I'm pretty sure I've earned that when it comes to the friendships I've built. And if I've neglected any friend that reads this, then simply put, 'My Bad'. And you know I'll do everything in my power to show my appreciation and thanks for having you as a friend.

For the rest of you, and I'm pretty sure after some 'deep' 5 second thought, you'll know who you are, don't bother. And I really do mean it. I've poured my heart out and given and given and given, and people are awesome at taking. But the spicket has been shut off. Again, I resign my role. I don't want it, can't believe I thought I was smart enough to handle that job. I'm way too underqualified to deal with it. At least therapists get paid.

Those of you that this doesn't apply to, keep reading...the rest, what part of 'bounce' do you not grasp? You're out, that job will not be filled, I'm closing up ranks, I can't take it anymore. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm balling, and I'm learning once again that other than my tightest circle of friends, I have the power to control who I deal with. Do you know the principles of a pendulum? If not, it's simple really, when the pendulum swings one way, it, in theory, must go the same distance in the opposite direction. How does this relate to what I'm talking about? Easy, as irked as I am at this latest revelation, I know that I'm on the way back to feeling 'normal', and I'll have learned something from the grieving process and who my true friends are. A real friend is just there, plain and simple. They know that sometimes they may have to buy you a beer and tell you that you're going to be alright. They never use the word 'fine'. Nothing is ever 'fine'. And anyone who uses that term is full of it. They know it, you know, and I'm hoping you can figure out that I know it, too.

I will end this part of the blog with this-while I may be ticked at who hasn't showed out the way they always said they would, I'm impressed and thankful for those that I never would have expected to and how great it has been to get to know them.

Now, the weekend-how was yours? Mine was pretty good, went to a concert, learned that I can still shut someone down with just a glare and had a good time, helped my roommate out, had a 'gotta' event early Sunday and then another 'gotta' event on Sunday night.

The concert was awesome, went and saw Mos Def all by myself. He showed up with Jay Electronica and Reflection Eternal (DJ Hi-Tek and Talib Kweli). And honestly, the best parts of the show were Reflection Eternal and when Mos was jamming and Talib came out and did some BlackStar stuff. That was the main reason I went. I got to hear what I was hoping for. Now, there's also an annoying side to going to concerts, be it small or large venues. Since I'm broke, I decided that while the ticket was great, I would not be drinking. I don't do drugs, so if anyone was kind enough to play 'Puff-Puff-Pass', well, I just passed. The annoying thing is that some (most?) can't hold their liquor. This would explain the 'Put Yo' Hands Up' girl standing behind me and slightly to the left. How do I know this? Because this walking calamity had her damn iPhone in her right hand and kept hitting me in the back of my head the whole night...on the left side. The first 2 times she did it, I looked back and was apologized to. Fine, no problem. It wasn't like she was beating me with it. But I have only a baseball hat on my head for protection, I'm bald, so there is no hair for cushion support. After I got hit another 5 times I finally had to turn around and ask if she could cut it out. Her boyfriend apologized, and I was thinking, finally, someone with some sense. Well, I got smacked about another 3 times before I turned and just stated 'Could you please just knock it off?' Mind you, I'm stone sober in a venue with no ventalation and it's hot and muggy in there. I'm doing a ton to keep my cool. Now some might be asking why I didn't move. Simple, when I got inside the venue, I picked my 'spot' on the level where it would be best to see the stage and there would be no one in front of me, and if they were, they'd be a level below me, so unless Yao Ming or Manute Bol showed up, I was going to see the stage. Pretty much, I got there first, and I was leaning up against a railing, where was I going? So where does the glare come in? Simple, when Mos Def was wrapping up his set, I figured I can leave. Well, by now the boyfriend is drunk, and he's in the way of me leaving. I say 'Excuse Me', very politely, and as I'm walking by he boos me. Read that again. The little dweeb booed me!! What did I do? Nothing. So I had to ask him, 'Pardon me, but did you just boo me?' when the ugly girlfriend has to try and get all Jerry Springer up in my face, telling me it's a party and to 'Jet'. She got the glare (and immediately shut up), and the boyfriend started mean-muggin'. He got it, too, and said he can't hear anything out of his ear. 'How convenient, did you just boo me?' Ugly girlfriend again gets all tough (apparently I was to be intimidated by the eyebrow piercing, I have no idea) and told me to 'Roll'. The boyfriend apologized and I told him to have a good night. One glare, two people shutting up and an apology. Yup, unfortunately I still got it. And I wasn't looking for a fight or any type of altercation, I'm just really tired of people thinking that they're tough once someone is gone or past them. This happens once a summer to me out here in Denver, and I've been here 12 years. I don't want to fight, that crap is in my past, and I have no desire to go back to that 'place'. But some of these young punks need to realize that while I'll walk away, I know for certain others won't, and they could get messed up real bad. Now, I know I made a mistake here as well-you don't try and reason with drunk people. I ought to remember this stuff from my days serving drinks. And I thought about them being drunk on the way home, after I told them both to have a good night (and I meant it), because they were trashed, and I decided not to drink...there were 7 cars pulled over by the cops between the venue and my house, like a 20 mile stretch. Just be careful out there.

Saturday was filled with the fun of helping out my friends and my roommate. He drove a front-end loader and I followed him with my hazards going. Of course, sitting in an air-conditioned vehicle listening to the Red Sox game wasn't too bad. Hey, it's what friends do. But I couldn't believe the amount of cursing, pointing and overall anger caused behind me by having my hazards on when people couldn't get around. Many a law was broken. Hopefully it was the heat, but I'm amazed continually how important most people think their time is worth over their fellow man. It was really weird to see how on one street people got it and just waited to go around while turning on another you'd have thought I kicked their puppy. Calm down, it's Saturday, Walmart isn't going anywhere. And by the size of some of them, neither is Good Times. Sheesh.
Saturday night I also watched some fights. The main event was kind of a shock to me, only because one of the guys claimed a stacked deck. Don't get me wrong, this kid looked like a punk and while I'm not a huge fan of his style, at the very least I still think he won the fight. But when he didn't, and he thought he got bent over, one of the best interviews I've ever seen happened, and I missed the stuff afterwards, when apparently there was a press conference. I'll let you read the stuff from Deadspin....
There is no way that was a 118-110 fight. Not now, not ever. Not when I'm blind, not if I have gluacoma. Not sure what these judges were watching, but I'll agree with everything this guy said. And it's a huge reason why some people who used to pay big bucks for boxing PPV's now spend their money on UFC events.

On Sunday, I had the joy of 2 'gotta' events. If you don't know what that means, allow me to elaborate. There are things that you want to do, things you have to do, and things you 'gotta' do. It's like going to your racist aunt's house for a Labor Day BBQ when you know you'll have no fun. You're kind of obligated to go. You don't necessarily have to go, I doubt you want to go, but you still gotta go. It's just easier.
With that in mind, I had a standing invitation to an event that is held once or twice a month, with folks that are far more read than I, and they are into this thing, and even have a potluck. What the heck is it? It's a board game party. Look, I'm not knocking them, I'm really not. They're really nice people, but they're very pale and have spent even more time on the internet than I have. They read A LOT of books, and not that that's a bad thing, but human interaction can be pretty cool, too. Fine, I just don't read that much or that fast. The internet and the bottomline ticker have been two of my greatest downfalls as a human when it comes to reading. And face it, I suck at board games that aren't reduced to trivia, Sorry!, CandyLand, Memory and HiHo CherryO (a game that will forever be hidden since my brother would not stop playing it or asking to play it as a kid). I had fun, brought brownie bites (I defy you to show me who doesn't like them, unless they're allergic to chocolate). And I even played a game. Look, I'm not better than anyone there, and the table I was at was amusing, because we're amusing people. There is one person that creeps me out that shows up in this same circle, for reasons I'm not willing to speak about, but he gives me that vibe, that's all. But again, I had fun and will go back, provided it's not on an NFL Sunday (hey, I'm unemployed, how do you think I'll be supplementing my income? I've got a bachelor party and a wedding coming up, you think money just shows up?).
The other event that I had to leave the game-boarding for was another 'gotta', but I still had fun. It was a scholarship event hosted by a wine association that a good friend of mine belongs to. He owns a farm (yes, in Denver!) and his family cooks up all this food and different wineries bring in their own hooch for, ahem, 'tasting'. Pretty much it boils down to damn good Italian cooking, great wine, awesome desserts and a lot of laughing. Face it, when you can put a bunch of Italians happy and buzzed together, it's going to get loud and it's going to be funny. I'm at home in this environment. I get to be me, get my balls busted and do some ball busting. It's like being home, which right about now I'm missing a whole bunch. It allowed me to forget about all the stuff going on in my head/heart and do what I do best, make folks laugh. I'm slowly learning that it may actually be a gift of mine. I wasn't granted a fantastic physique, a full head of hair or rugged good looks, but I'm alright with who I am. Funny how that works out, isn't it.

Two more stories for you before I go back to job-hunting. These two are connected, so wait for it. I was asked a few days ago if I'm avoiding Boston with regards to my job search. My answer was yes. My answer is kinda-sorta. I have the real trepidation of finding something there and it not working on, on any level. Of my family telling me to pound sand, of the job not working, of my friends not showing up. There, I said it.
That being stated, I am the Godfather to this munchkin:

World, meet Aiden. Yes, he's watching the Red Sox. It's hysterical that this can calm him down, or so I'm told (no, this wasn't taken during last night's game). I had to ask his father, and one of my best friend's, if one of the reasons I was asked to be part of this lil' guys life was to entice me to come back to Boston. A sly chuckle ensued. Yes, I'm torn, but I don't think any of you have any clue how much I want to be a part of this kid's life, hang out with him and be 'Uncle Bone' (yes, that's what he'll call me, it was my nickname in college, and it sticks to this day. Short for Bonehead I think, but I digress). It's an honor to be asked, and I really do feel that way. But I also think it's slightly ingenius to get me to think long and hard about moving back to my 'homebase' by asking me to have such an awesome responsibility.

Don't think for one minute that when I'm back in September that quite a bit of time will be spent goofing around with this kid...how could I not??? And wouldn't you?

So what does all this mean? It means that while I may be afraid of failing by trying to look (again) at openings across the country, I'm even more afraid of not trying. All that can happen is being told 'No', and that, I'm used to. Rumor has it your chances go up simply by applying...Who knew?

Oh, and to answer my own question, does the truth really set you free or do you just feel better after unloading it? In this case, both. I don't believe in phrase "I keep it real." In my case, I keep it right.

Enjoy Monday!

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Now playing: Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince - Summertime '98
via FoxyTunes