and now I'm back....

and I won't lie, I'm a little bummed. It was a very tiring trip. A good trip, with some great moments, but a lot of mental exhaustion, as far as I'm concerned. So here goes my recollection as best as I can remember and will tell it:

6/4-Thursday: Made my mad scramble to pack (it's what I do), and managed to overpack by a day. Still not sure how that happened, but that seems to happen WAY too much. Oh well, I didn't have to check my bag, so United didn't get to bleed me for another $20. Bunch of savages. I will say that the woman I spoke with while waiting for the shuttle bus, well-I've been where she was, and boy how much I don't miss those turnaround days. What's a turnaround day? It's when you land at the airport one night and have to be back the next day. Poor woman only had 10 hours between landing, going home, and then coming back. Yuck, I'll pass.
My flight was very uneventful, even got the joy of having the aisle seat with no one in the middle between me and a girl who was going to Boston for the first time for a friends graduation from MIT. My advice was to have fun and watch for weird guys buying you shots-actually, that's good advice all you ladies. Some of you are smart enough to know that, others, well....not so much.
My Baby bro came and picked me up, it's always good to see him, but I do worry how freakin' fem he's becoming. Tanning? Waxing of eyebrows? Come on. I will say he looked good healthy and calm, and I won't be able to say that the rest of this blog. Someone needs therapy, a good book, a slap, a hug and a journal.
And then I got to see my favorite woman in the world. My Ma. My Ma and brother are in the process of moving from the old condo to an apartment. I like the new place a little bit more, I like the layout better, and the kitchen is so much bigger. More room to work and walk around in. I'm also very happy that my Ma has finally bought some brand new, nice furniture for herself. I think she'll be happy.
Well, my brother left and that left Ma and I to talk. Oh, how she loves these times. Me, well, sometimes it feels like an inquisition, and other times it's fun. I got to ask her how she was doing, and not in that passingyouinahallwayIdon'treallycarehowyou'redoingI'mjustbeingpolite kind of way, either. I worry about her, probably in ways other people don't. I worry about her financially, emotionally, I know her health is iffy at the moment. And then it came to the big question-how was her heart? This is a woman who doted on my Pops for 40 years, she looks lost at times. How do you lose your best friend and just move on? After that amount of time? Really think about that, more than 2/3 of your life was spent living, laughing, loving, arguing, raising kids, hoping for grandkids, wanting to grow old together. How do you move from that? And how long does that process take, if it takes hold, like, ever? I asked that one question, how was her heart, and the floodgates opened. No one has asked her. The phone calls have stopped. She says it's like no one cares. It's not that no one cares. It's that we're all too damned selfish and wrapped up in our stupid little existences to give a crap about our fellow man. Well, I have been thinking this long before my Father passed, but while I firmly believe in that previous sentence, the turnout for his memorial golf tournament gives me a flicker of hope for some people. But my people, those from a certain part of the country, aren't exactly known as touchy-feely. We push pain either down or away, or don't think about it. We move along with our lives as though nothing effects us, when the truth is that the impact is massive. I'll explain this a little better when talking about Monday, but I will say that my greeting to my boy Mike B. was a little bit longer than it was for others. We are brothers because we lost our fathers so very young, and now all eyes are upon us to be the family spokesman. It's not an easy mantle to carry, but one I know we'll both do with honor and dignity to make our fathers proud.

6/5-Friday: If I tell you I wasn't nervous, I'd be a liar. Like, the biggest liar ever. She had called in the morning, and we were to meet at some point in time later in the afternoon or early in the evening. She'd call and let me know when she woke up from her nap and errand-running. I'm excited to see her. How could I not be? I was going to come out and visit her in March. Yes I was going to see my family and my boys, but it really was mainly all about hanging out with her. So yeah, a little bit nervous-how was this going to go? What would we talk about since we just spoke like 3 nights ago and said so much? Would it be awkward? Should I have made plans?
And then I took 3 deep breaths and said the hell with it. Whatever happens, happens. I will not be putting pressure on anything or anyone for this evening. Just go out and have fun and be yourself. Besides, I like me, so it's pretty easy.
In the meantime, baby brother needed some assistance, because he's a wee bit afraid of technology. The new place for him and my Ma will need a printer and a wireless router that will make sure he can get online to play PS3. Oh, did I mention I got them both laptops? Yup, my family is wired now! So cool that I get to help them out, and they won't fight over computer time. So off to Best Buy we went. And he's not all bad, he got me a coffee from D&D (that's Dunkin' Donuts-not Dungeons and Dragons, so we're clear)--delicious. Add that to the list of things I miss. At Best Buy I helped my brother pick out a printer, a wireless router and I picked up an external hard drive for him for music-320GB for $75, not too shabby. Oh, little tip if you live in Taxachusetts---shop in NH, there's no sales tax. I think it took us a grand total of 15 minutes and we were done with that excursion. Then it was off to get me my rental car. Nothing better than 3 days for $50.
I went to the grocery store to pick up lunch, and I forget things about New Hampshire--they sell beer and wine at the grocery store, booze at the state liquor store. So, knowing I had to meet her later and I don't show up empty handed, a good bottle of wine along with lunch for Ma and me was on the docket. I inhaled half of it and got ready.
By the time I was done getting ready my brother had shown back up. Now, I love the kid and all, but he needs friends. Badly. He's got his ladyfriend and that's about it. I'm all for alone time, but when he sees me he has so much to say and it's so fast you want him to slow down. And he was a little antsy, the kind where a small argument could happen. It was my time to leave, even though I hadn't heard from her on when to show up. I know where my old joints are, I can make a stop and hangout for a bit. So that's what I did.
There are still people at my old bar!!! I left there over 12 years ago, and I ran into someone who is still working her Friday night shift in that bar. It was fun to catch up for a bit. I got my text message, and decided to go to the bookstore right next door to the restaurant. She called, we will meet, I'll give her time to clean up, thinking that it's only about 20 minutes away, if that. Well, it is, if there's no traffic or it isn't rush hour.
I forgot. Look, if anyone is ever in Burlington, MA at 6:00 on a Friday trying to get on Rt. 128, here's some advice...don't do it. Just make other plans. It took me an hour to get to her house. Which was fine, I managed to get thru another Black Keys album (you have to look at the positives of traffic, it ain't all bad, and there's nothing I could have done about it).
What, you want details? I could put this on the nunya list, I could be extremely vague (which certain people hate) and tell you we had a good time(and that would be extremely misleading and allow you to think less of her-ain't happening). So what do I tell you, my faithful reader(s)?
I tell you that it was great to see her, that while I thought maybe my feelings for her were waning, as soon as I saw her that flicker became a strong light. I tell you that my initial hug with her could have lasted forever, that I didn't want to let go, that I had to tell myself to 'breathe damnit', that she showed me how she decorated the whole apartment, I loved her kitchen and how open it was, especially the hanging pans. Face it, I love kitchens, that's where everything happens, at least in my opinion.
And that she wanted to drive, and we drove around, saw my old college town, and I don't think I'd been back there since graduation day (12 years ago!), and it crossed my mind that I should've made reservations, but it would have seemed like I was trying to damn hard. Remember, no pressure and have some fun. This is fun! We pulled over to figure out where we going to eat. Hopefully she learned a new route to get thru the area (like a giant freakin' circle), but while we were stopped I got more info of why she is where she is in her head. And I get it. And we ate. Now, for something a little personal-I always order the same drink. Yes, I like it. Absolut, on the rocks, no fruit. Why? Well, I like it...and it's also a nod to Pops. The conversation? That's personal, and if I'm not willing to discuss my feelings on my Pops just yet than I damn sure won't share her stuff with you either. I'm protective like that. It's my story, not yours. You ain't gots to like it, but I think you'll keep reading it. I will say that when we walked back to her car, she wondered why I had to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, closest to traffic. Old habit. Something I learned very, very young. And being a gentleman will never go out of style. I'll leave treating a woman you care about like crap to those that get shown on Cops, made fun of in sitcoms and at your local Walmart. You can call me old-fashioned, I prefer old school. Everyone else can plow over giving a crap and building something worthwhile, be it a friendship or more, but that's not how I live my life.
I told her in the car that 'shit got deep', and it was a deep conversation, but I wanted to make sure it was fun, that we were both having a good time. I'm a goofball, so I can have fun doing either. So can she. It's one of her best qualities, honestly. I could put her in a room of my bestest, smartest and dumbest friends and they'd think she was awesome. She carries no heirs about her. She was having fun (a relief, you have no idea). Off to a bar to have a drink.
What else did I learn? I will tell you one funny ancilary thing-and that's there is someone sniffing around (isn't there always?), and I don't look at it like a competition. But he's apparently intimidated by me. The guy doesn't know me from a hole in the wall. I can only tell you what I'd tell him. Kind sir, if you find me a threat to how you treat this woman, seek guidance. More importantly, step up and best of luck. I don't treat her as something to 'win', at least I don't think so. She and I will be friends no matter what happens. If something were to happen and it didn't work, I would have to be distant for a bit of time (no, not a decade), but I will always care about her and wish her nothing but health and happiness. Other than that, best of luck. Oh, and one more thing to this guy-dude, you get face time, zip it. I'm across the country. All I do is give a crap that she's doing alright.
Maybe our evening ended short, maybe it didn't, but her roommate needed a lift from Fenway (who forgets their license and wallet?) and that was that. I got home before midnight and my Ma was still up, asking/stating "Wow, you're home early" (Ouch, good shot, Ma). She asked how my night went and I said it was good, but I'm too tired to talk, off to bed.

Saturday-6/6: I got to wait for the Comcast guy!!!! Woohoo! (Cue the sarcasm)-look the guy showed up in his 8-12 window just fine, being there at 11. My issue is that the planning wasn't so great. Oh, and that they are moving into this old house where the homeowner did the wiring so it was a little messy. The good part was that I got to make a copy of all my music for my brother. So I had that going for me, or him, I guess, which was nice. The poor cable guy was there for 3 hours!!! I felt bad for him, really. Two cable boxes, sparking a line, and a phone/internet setup shouldn't have taken that long. But when you can't find all the splitters and the signal is jacked up, you have to be the one to figure it out. Add that to a list of jobs I don't want. By the time he was gone in this new place my Ma showed up and wanted to know if I wanted to go to a late lunch. Couldn't-had plans. And I'd been home for two days with nothing home cooked, what's the deal? A kid flies out to see his family and there's no grub, come on! (I was giving her crap, and it worked...just wait to read Sunday).
I was off to see my buddy Emersom. That's not his real name. But that's what I call him. He calls me Heywood. If you don't know the jokes, feel free to ask, but they're extremely juvenile. Emersom is kind of like an older brother. He's come out to Denver to visit with my Ma and Pops years ago. My Pops took a shine to him, and his Dad is kind of a putz, so it works out. Also, Emersom put together this whole Memorial golf tournament for my Pops, a visit was definitely in order. I went to his house, ate too much, drank too much Summer Sam (yummy), laughed a bunch, and got introduced to some good people. The kind of people who might help me out in a month or two.
Then it was off to my boy Jay's. I had yet to see the baby, who is now 11 weeks old. Other than seeing that girl in Boston and the tournament, this was high up on the list of stuff I was doing, come hell or high water. So I saw him. He's so little, and so damn cute. I got to hold him, and naturally, he cried. What can I say, it's a gift. When he's 2 he'll be crawling on me like a jungle gym, mostly because his Dad will tell him it's okay. And it will be. It was awesome seeing Jay and his wife Jen, as it always is, we catch up on all sorts of stuff in a matter of minutes. I will say that the Lil' Man does love the Sox on TV, it's calming. Oh, to be a kid now. The Sox being a calming influence when I was a kid was not an option. We ate pizza, drank more beer (again, Summer Sam, simply delicious). And then off to home again.

Sunday-6/7: So, what did my busting of Ma's chops get me? My favorite homemade breakfast ever, chocolate chip pancakes. Of course, Ma had packed the spatula and it was at the new apartment, so I had to run down to the store to get a new one. Welcome to my world, people. After eating pancakes, some guys Ma had called from a consignment store/dump. Let's just say I was happy I was there, I would not have been comfortable with Ma alone with these mean looking mugs. They were about the same size as me, and I knew no funny stuff would happen (yes, I'm very protective of Ma, she's just a little thing). And then some logistics got screwed up and we had to call my brother, who proceeded to lose his marbles. Not a fun conversation-I tried to calm him down but he just wanted to vent. Sometimes an executive decision has to be made, so when I knew these guys were walking back up the stairs, I asked one question--"If I give you another $20, will you make this go away?"....Yup, you can now love how I do business. Everyone has a price, this guy's was $20, problem solved. Ma was amazed, like she still doesn't know how I gained certain skills. I had to remind her how I got thru college and then I used to drive limos around Denver-shady characters are all the rage in those lines of 'work'.
Then it was off to set up both laptops and the wireless router at the new place. I love when folks are scared of technology. Ma thinks she'll break the computer if she taps the 'CTRL' key. Come on, that's funny. It took like 15 minutes to set that thing up. Then my brother showed up and it was time for his computer lesson. I taught him how to use the internet, cool sites, some of the neat features of Mozilla (I hate IE), and then it was on to the music, which is what he was all keyed up for. I plugged in his fresh new external hard drive with all my music, and it was off to the races. From there, another deep conversation. I am worried about him. His temper is ridiculous. Everyone's an idiot, and he's rarely wrong. He wanted to know how I got to where I was. My reply was two-fold, that there's nothing wrong with being afraid of what might happen, but you do it anyways, and that you can try almost anything, within the legal limits. And my other nugget was that you define your own success. Not so it's easy to abtain, but why would you ever judge yourself based on someone else's definition? He asked me if I was a success. In many ways yes, in many ways no. But I've had to change my way of thinking. I grew up thinking the destination was end goal to keep in mind. Oh, how wrong that was. It's about the ride. If you're not enjoying the ride, find a new ride. Life isn't always about fun and goofing off, but it certainly isn't about being mad and frustrated. That leads to an early grave or a life of misery. I'll pass, thanks. Oh, and in case you were curious, we're up to about 4 deep conversations in 4 days. I'm not a therapist, but 3 of those 4 kind of felt like it. KV, you're the exception in there in case you were curious.
Here's my concern with my brother-we went out to dinner and he was recollecting a story of when he told someone off when he was a cook-and the pure joy and pride he had in telling this story was scary. No one should be this excited to reminisce about telling someone off. I told him he needs a role model, or a hug, or something.

Monday-6/8: And now for the big show. My brother met me at the rental car place bright and early, as I had to drop it off before the tournament started. Then off to D&D, and then to listen to the madman drive. We don't have GPS, so the directions he wrote down weren't great. But we weren't golfing, so it didn't matter when we showed up, so long as it was before 8 AM. We got there at 7:45. I got to say hi to people, dragged my brother with me, and she called right before the kickoff to the tourney. I know you're reading this, so if you felt rushed off the phone, I'm apologizing now. All my boys were looking forward to meeting you, as was Ma, and it stinks that you got stuck with crap to do that you couldn't come up. Please, know that I'm not mad at you, at all.
Emersom was making the kickoff speech, and I was walking up to say thanks to everyone, and he was kind of welling up. He misses Pops almost as much as I do. Like I said before, he's kind of like an older brother, and then the rascal decided to get a round of applause for me because I came all the way out from Denver---like I wasn't showing up for this thing??? So my brother and I ended up with our own cart to tool around in. And he kept talking....and talking....and talking. Good grief man. Take a breath already. I love him, but it's before 10, how 'bout some quiet time? He was kind of at my hip all day, and I think that's why what happened later happened.
After a couple of hours of shaking hands and thanking people for coming out, reminiscing about Pops, golf was wrapping up. And I finally got to see my boys, who I couldn't manage to keep up with all day. Jay texted me on his next to last hole wondering if my 'special guest' had shown. I told him no due to extenuating circumstances, and he then told me that she doesn't exist, I made her up. Yup, these are my friends. After everything was done, we were in the clubhouse where I got the obligatory 'when did you get in?'
Thursday night
'Thanks for the call, ass!'--This is how we talk to each other, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Oh, and they laid into my brother, too. Why? He wanted to hang out, welcome to the gang, pal.
Next was to get back to the Elks Lodge for lunch...ah, wood paneling. I rode with Jay, mostly because I needed a break from my brother. I love him, but I don't need to be with him side by side for the whole day. We haven't always been close, so I knew the powderkeg would bust soon. Well in my travels with Jay he said, "So we got a question for you."
You and the fellas?
"No, dummy, Jen and I"
Shoot
"How would you think about being his Godfather?"
I'd be honored. That's right, I'm going to be that kid's Godfather. Suh-weet.
Then we get to the Elks and Ma showed up, on time, too (I swear, it's a record, she wasn't even late). I get to drink with my boys, shoot the breeze, catch up, answer whether I'm coming back or not (my reply was 'I'm trying'), all in all great to see them.
The raffles and prizes get handed out, and just in case you were curious about that nod to Pops with his cocktail of choice, and now mine, too-the prize for best team was a giant bottle of Absolut that was engraved and a plaque.
Then the boys left, the party's over, and my Ma, brother and I were hanging out. I said something and my brother lost it. He made a spectacle of himself. He swore like an idiot. I definitely wanted to knock him out, because he was being unbelievably rude, and because I know that no one has ever stepped up to him. It was something small, trivial and stupid. He stormed out. I got asked what happened, and I honestly right now typing this have no idea. Lovely.
Well, I still had the printer to set up, so Ma and I went to the new place, where I set up the printer wirelessly for both laptops and my brother left. Apparently we weren't speaking. Fine by me, I can cut anyone out of my life in a heartbeat if I get mad enough. I was insulted, honestly. And it hurt that I try very hard to do a lot for my family to get treated like that. Once that was done Ma and I went to dinner, as my brother had already come back from dinner and fell asleep. Wasn't exactly in the mood to break bread with him, so we let him sleep.
Ma was upset, and rightfully so. She's seen that look in my eye before. She told me she was worried I was never going to speak to my brother again (a possibility, but a remote one at that) or that I just wouldn't entertain the idea of moving back anymore. Look, if a potential relationship isn't going to sway me, neither is a dumb one-sided argument with my blood. Ma got a little emotional, and I told her if that's the way the kid wants it, come see me in 10 years and tell me how not having a brother like me in his life would be. And right then and there I stopped. Why? Because in the last few weeks I've had more than one person tell me that they are terrified of me and how I could cut them down. And I caught myself. Yup, I can be mean as a snake if I want, as a matter of fact it got me thru most of my childhood and college. To those that stuck with me, I can't thank you enough.
Well, once I told Ma that I'll deal with it in my own way, the night got a whole lot better. She's busting my chops on why I don't hold a serious relationship or I've never been close to marriage (I was once, but that kind of blew up-chalk it up as a serious learning experience about two people wanting very different things, me wanting her and her wanting someone and something else). So I told her how I gave my 'special guest' the freedom to ask any questions and I'll answer, so should Ma. I went on to tell her of my two girlfriends in high school, two in college and the first one out here, and after that, her response was, "God, no wonder you're single at 33!" So that pressure's gone.
I sent my brother a text message to the effect that we could be douches to each other forever or get over this little spat (I still don't think I did anything wrong, but I'll take some of the hit).
Ma and I got home, and at some point during all this rambling I mentioned the letter I may have written to someone a couple weeks ago. She managed to remember that but doesn't know where her car keys are....I swear it's uncanny. Ma wanted to read it. So I let her. I also got to teach her again about 'Page Down' or how the touchpad mouses down. She said it was beautiful, and I asked her if she was shocked that it could come from a dummy like me.
"Wait a minute....YOU wrote that?"
Yup.
"Holy crap!" (sidenote, Ma rarely, and I mean like 4 times in my 33 years, rarely swears)
"it's like out of a movie. Your Father never wrote anything like that to me." Yup, even in death my old man was apparently not much of a hopeless romantic/idiot...who knew?
And off to bed.

Tuesday 6/9: Well, I got a text from baby brother who was now over our little tiff. Ma had to go to work, but she had the afternoon shift, so we got to hang out, and I got the Little Guinea (yes, she's Italian, making me half, so I can get in that ethnic jab) bear hug. She weighs like 108 lbs and she tries to squeeze the life out of me so I won't go. She told me she loved me and that she would love it if I moved back. And off to work she went.
I got ready, packed my crap up, realized I had overpacked by a day (what in the hell!), and my brother showed up to wisk me away to lovely Logan International Airport. We laughed the whole way down, but mostly toward the very end in the tunnel. I found out why he never played soccer. He was playing in an indoor league when he was 8 or 9 and took the ball off the face like 4 possessions in a row, and that was that for soccer. You try picturing that and not laughing, I couldn't do it. He parked, got out, gave me a Lil' Brother hug (its one of those when you come in for the real thing and let the big bear get his paws on ya), and I was at the airport to try and catch an earlier flight. I got on standby for the 2:45 flight instead of the 5:30 flight, got me a middle seat next to a COO and a gypsy and we left around 3:15. But there was weather in Chicago, so I left 2 hours early to land an hour earlier than my original flight. Oh well. I'm back now, right?

So where does this leave things? Well, when she called me on Monday she said she had fun and was glad it was just her and I hanging out. I couldn't agree more. It's the main reason I didn't come out for her house-warming event. I either would have had barely any time with her, or I would have commandeered her thereby making all other jealous or upset (yes, this has happened in the past). When it comes to moving back, I'd love to. I miss a lot of things. I miss my friends. I miss that little old lady I call Ma. I even miss my baby brother. As for the 'special guest'? I don't know. That's my honest answer. Want to know why? The in-flight movie. No, I'm not kidding. It's a movie that just came out on DVD, huge cast. Wanna guess the title?
Look, I could sit here and lie or be vague to protect everyone's feelings, especially my own. The fact of the matter is that I care about her, a lot. And she knows it. And the last thing she wants to do with regards to me is hurt me. I get it and respect it. You know what else? There's nothing I can do with that other than respect it and comprehend it. What am I supposed to do, curse it? Why? That's dumb. Be mad at her for being honest? Nope, can't do that, either. Not in this case, as it would be a wasted emotion. Curse her position and be mad about her situation? Now that is something I can be mad at. But it's like cursing the wind, it's pointless. So, I give a crap about someone. That's my deal, not yours. I will do my best not to really 'burden' my friends with how goofy the matters of my heart and mind.
Want to know what I'm thinking? Read this blog. Feel free to comment. I will only be picking up the phone for a few folks the next few days. Why?
I'm exhausted caring about and worrying about certain people. I'm emotionally burnt out. I got off the plane and felt like sleeping for a week. Can't do that, I'm a contractor. No work, no money. So you suck it up, get some rest, pray for a dinner cancellation (which was granted this afternoon), go home, do laundry, catch up on some DVR stuff and hit the pillows early.
Tomorrow? I email and call some folks to start the next push for Boston. I'm too dumb and too damn stubborn to just give up. It's not my style.

I'll leave you with this-after Ma read my note to the 'special guest', I asked her if I was in trouble. She said, "Nope-you're something else and I'm leaving it at that." So much for parental advisory, huh?

Happy Wednesday....sometime this week I'll get to sports, I swear.