Anyone else have a neighbor below them that loves to jam crappy music at 11:30 on a Sunday? No? Lucky Me. I'm probably 10 minutes away from the 'Ghetto-Stomp'.
So I assure you I will get to the worst dating story I've heard in a long time. It's too good to let slip out of my consciousness, and to not share it with you would do everyone a disservice, especially me. I'm telling you, after seeing and hearing this, I'm more convinced that opening up my male finishing school would be a financial windfall.
But before I get to that, I just had a lovely conversation with my Ma. I call her every Sunday. Why? Because I'm a Momma's Boy, I'm 1800 miles away, and my Dad passed away 5 months ago. The first two reasons are constants..and I guess the 3rd one is now, too, but I always called my Ma. I'm the good son. My brother has his moments, but recently he's been an assclown. Which means he's getting a handwritten letter sent to him tomorrow. Be nice to the lady, she's done everything for him and he yells at her like Pops used to. Not good times and not fun for me to hear about-because if I were there it wouldn't happen. I'm very protective of her, she's sweet and nice to everyone. Why be mean to her? My brother breaks up with his girlfriend, Ma takes him in, and he swears, yells, and smokes dope in her house, and barely pays for anything. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of a mooch. And you don't mooch off of your parents, especially one who just lost their spouse 5 months ago and is struggling emotionally with it. Yelling at her like he used to is not cool. What gets me most is that my brother and I used to talk about how he never wanted to do that to any woman in his life. Guess what? He's doing it and doesn't even see it. Hence the verbal bitchslap he's got coming to him.
The other main part of my conversation with Ma is that she's worried about me. Not in the normal way a mother worries about her children, either. Her's are two specific worries. I'm laughing at them, here, but not to her on the phone. That just isn't right. Her concerns? That I have no job and no other, ahem, 'prospects' in my life. So I did my best to address these concerns. And as corny or as lame as you may think my response is for both, off the top, I could care less. My answer to both of them, on a very high level, was that I'd put it in God's hands. Yes, I said it, and I mean it. Now, digging a little deeper, me not having a job doesn't concern me a bit. I can get a job. I think. But I want something that motivates me almost daily. I've written it on my mirror, 'Go Big or Go Home'. And I mean it. Why just go for the dare to be employed scenario? If I wanted to do that I'd go wait tables. And if you didn't know me back in the day when I did that, try and picture my smartass way of dealing with people, then add food, liquor and tip percentage to the mix. Not exactly my idea of a win/win for anyone out there. Ma honestly told me that because I might not be where I want to be in my life that she worries I might do something beyond stupid. Look, the dumbest thing I've ever done and will continue to do is chase. Be it my dreams, the right girl, or an idea of fairness, I will always chase that down. I doubt I'll ever catch any of them, but I'll be damned if I don't try. Nothing sadder to me than not trying. That's just a wuss way out of things. I asked her what she meant by stupid, like offing myself? She said YES! What the hell?
Let me be very, very, very, very clear to you, like I was to my Ma. There is no way in hell, God's Green Earth, ever, that I'm doing anything that stupid to myself. First, if you know me, and in my humorous way, I'd mess it up. I'm not exactly graceful. I'm about as subtle as a dumptruck. More importantly, I wouldn't do that to myself or my family. My Pops just passed away 5 months ago. Do you know what kind of asshole would do that to their family, let alone themselves? A coward, that's who. That's just my opinion. It's not the Gospel truth, that's just my feelings. Now, in order to grasp at that feeling, and for history's sake, I will tell you that one of my very good friends in high school had his Dad commit suicide. And for a pathetic reason. Much like you are reading in the news today, it came down to money. At least he didn't take his family with him, right? WRONG!!! He left a complete disaster in his wake. And if you think I'm lying, my boy KP out in Toronto will back me up on this. I think it happened about a month before we graduated. I remember TO's Dad as an ass, because he cheated on his wife, was extremely manipulative, and always tried to push his kid and my friend into being that type of man. When the news came down that Mr. O had killed himself, and why, I will never forget the conversation had at my dinner table that night. I was sad for my friend, but I was pissed. It was the 2nd time in my life that both of my parents told me it was okay to be royally ticked. It was also the first time I was allowed to swear at the dinner table and there was no reaction other than agreement. I remember thinking Mr. O was an ass in life, and a bigger asshole in death. How could you do that to your family? To your son that idolized you? A month before we graduate high school, before our prom, before our lives are all supposed to really kick off? How could you stifle your own kid like that? I felt that way then, and I really feel that way now. TO was a bright kid, was going to go to school to be an engineer. But he read the note. My Pops was friends with the Chief of Police, so he got to know the nature of the letter, which he shared with me, because my Pops thought I was mature enough to handle it. What did it come down to? Money, and how to afford college! Coward. Look, I have my beliefs and ideas, you don't have to agree with them. I'd love it if you don't, for debating purposes. My belief is this, those that take this cowardly faggy way out don't get to go to Heaven or Hell. Purgatory is all they get. I'm also a firm believer that if I'm blessed enough to go to Heaven, on my passing of Purgatory, I'm smacking the snot out of Mr. O, for all the wrong he left.
So why wouldn't I do it? Because I was given the lessons that life is sometimes hard, and that it's not how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get up. There will be no 10 count in the match that is my life. I flat out refuse to back down from anything or anyone. I've had my ass kicked and my heart broken, and wouldn't trade any of it. It's made me who I am. For those that hate, that line can form to the left. Those that love me for who and what I am, know that I love ya back in my own way. My emotions are on my sleeve. And I could never off myself because I love my life, I love my family and I love my friends. I can't imagine leaving them all in the wake wondering how my life got so bad that this was the only recourse. And I feel for those that feel that way, I really do. I hope if any of my friends ever get that way that I'm somehow 'pinged', be it by a random thought or a song or something that I contact them. And talk them off that concept. You don't have money? So what. It's only money. I'm broke, you don't hear me bitching, do you? Nope, plug along. Award yourself for effort, not accomplishment. Real effort, though. Not for doing things you're supposed to.
Now, for Ma's other concern. Damn...I was really really hoping that signing up for some internet dating site in front of her would've calmed that noise down. Apparently not. So I signed up for a dating site...know what else? Not interested in that crap. I paid $80 to shut my Ma up. Plain and simple. That is not where my interest lies. And I'll exhaust all possibilities. I've had certain women practically chucking themselves at me since I've been out of work, and for that I'm truly flattered, as I have no clue what they're seeing in a bald, unemployed chubby guy. I have no idea, other than I'm probably the most real person they've spoken to in awhile. I went out Friday night, which is where I got to watch the trainwreck story, and my buddy was trying to get me to go talk to random strange broads, I have no desire. Why, they're broads!!! I can tell what space they're in, just by actions. I even looked at my boy, who's engaged, and asked him, point blank, 'how much do you not miss this crap?'-his reply was something along the lines of telling me that he doesn't envy me. And I don't blame him. It's sad. Watching people doing the mating dance is sad and hilarious. I get looks when I'm not trying, it's just that because I'm not trying and I'm honest about who I am and what I'm about. Apparently it's 'refreshing'. How sad is that? Is everyone else frontin'?
So I got it all cleared up with Ma that nothing stupid is happening in my world, I'm onto the 3 F's in my world, Focus, Fun and Follow Thru. Good things happen to those who try. I don't believe in luck. Luck is prepartion meeting opportunity. Timing, as well. Now Ma is convinced I'm good and nothing too dumb is going to happen. Crisis averted, I hope.
Now, for the dumbest story ever.....(deep breath). The backstory to this is that my boy wanted me to go out with him and his fiancee...lucky me. I wasn't exactly looking forward to this, because they told me one of her friends was going to be there, too. They tried to set us up 2 years ago, and it was an "OH HELL NO" scenario back then, as it would be now. So I had to protest a little bit. And then they told me that no, no set up for me, but for someone else. Oh, goodie!!!! So I went, for the same reason people watch NASCAR, I might get to see an accident. --- Oh, as a sidenote, any girl that makes sure she tells you like 4 times that she's not easy, I'm pretty sure she is. We've all had our whore moments, just don't advertise, mmkay?---So I get to watch the meet'n'greet, which seems fine. Oh, except the dude was hammered. And the girl dressed relatively conservative, for her, at least. The bar is loud, so we all get into a booth. This is crucial. My boy and I are on one side, while his fiancee, her and the setup guy are on the other side. And then it happened. Comedic gold, I can't stress this enough. They've exchanged the weird pleasentries already (a little too much info passed, in my humble opinion), and the first story this guy decides to tell is about a pet. A dead pet. Yup, a dead cat story. Ponder that for a moment, if you will. Nothing wrong with a guy owning a cat, I guess, but this is your best foot forward???!!!!! The story lasts like at least 5 minutes. And after 30 seconds of seeing where this is going, I'm pounding on my buddy's, sitting next to me, leg.
Setup guy excuses himself for a second, where my boy and I turn into giggles McLaughsalot. This poor girl is mortified, and my boy's fiancee is giving us the 'did that serioulsy just happen?' look. Priceless. I'm so glad I went out. My boy tells me that I gave him dead leg but he couldn't look at me while the story was being told because he'd have lost it and then we'd be in trouble. My retort was that he'd be in trouble, I'm not sleeping next to either of these women, so what do I care? And he agreed. I apologized to the girl who was being set up, as she's not a horrible person, now that she's on her meds, but that story was so wrong it was funny.
The moral? Uh, apparently if I open up the male finishing school, you don't lead a potential date down the dead pet path. I didn't really think you had to specifically announce that, but there it is. If you need another hint, try not mentioning the ex, just some free advice. Apparently this is dating. Hell if I know. Just a firm lesson in what not to do.
Now, it's time to go have some lunch. PB&J. Hey, when you're broke, it's good stuff. I just think of it like I'm a kid. I just wish I had some Fluff (made in Lynn, MA-and I can't get it out here!).
Happy Sunday to you and I hope you get all geared up for the week ahead!
Oh, and I'm listening to Pandora right now, and wondering how I can block out Coldplay from my stations....enough with that crap already!
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